Crying in the Bathroom Stall

The other day someone asked about my blog, and when I went to send them a link, I noticed I hadn’t posted anything in a year. “Could it really have been a whole year” I thought? The stress and heartbreak of my job ending last year, combined with a new job where I was traveling constantly, I never seemed to find the time to write another post.

Most of my blog posts are (what I hope have been) funny, crazy and true tales of my bizarre life in the dating world. But true life isn’t always funny, even my life. So I decided I would write a post about a different side of my dating life. The part where my heart broke, and I found myself crying my eyes out in an airport bathroom stall.

In the last year I had only gone on a handful of dates. I was completely burned out on dating and just wanted to breathe for a while, figure some things out, not try so hard to find love.  I have always loved to work, and having a new job that I could pour myself into was exactly what I needed.

Then a few months ago, someone came back into my life from several years ago. The attraction was still there and it got serious fast. Despite the red flags, we both fell in love, and I don’t regret that.

One of the hardest things about being single in the church, especially a mid single, is that you can go a very long time between real connections with someone else. The loneliness can become a constant companion, even when you are surrounded with wonderful things in your life. I’ve found you either acknowledge the loneliness frequently, or you become sort of numb to it all.  I found myself in the latter.

When he came back into my life, I was shocked at how numb I had been. It had been so long since I had been with someone I felt a true connection with, laughed with, genuinely wanted to spend more time with, and the fact that he felt the same was a feeling I had completely forgotten.

I knew about the issues from the start.  I decided to push those to the side and jump in with both feet. But you can only ignore the problems for so long. They creep back in, slowly at first, then with more aggression. Too many nights spent in tears, begging to make everything ok. Too many beautiful words spoken, but no changes made. Too many times trying to figure out why it couldn’t just be as simple as “I love you and that’s all that matters”.

I wanted to believe it.  I wanted to believe that Love Is All You Need.  I tried. So very, very hard.  I tried rationalizing, discarding things that in my soul I knew I needed, but knew he couldn’t offer. He would never be able to offer them. Why couldn’t love be enough? He was a good, sweet man, why couldn’t this work?

It became overwhelming.  I sought advice everywhere I could get it, hoping to get a new answer. But it was always the same, you know what you need to do.  I went to my most trusted advisor, desperate to try and find a way to make it work, but the answer was the same.

I asked a dear friend for a blessing, and it was one of the single most spiritual moments in my life. As I sat with his hands on my head and let the tears flow, I heard the most beautiful words that spoke directly to my soul. But the answer was still the same.

I tried to end it, but I wasn’t strong enough. My heart could only try to shift to friendship or risk a complete breakdown I didn’t know I would be able to recover from.

I kept pleading with myself and Heavenly Father to make it work.  I even resorted to trying one of the Zoltar fortune teller machines. His answer of “You already know the answer to the question you seek” was not what I wanted to hear.

It was while waiting for a flight, I knew I had to end it.  I was shaking, I had forgotten how literal it felt when your heart breaks. So I sat in an airport terminal, as far from people as I could get, and made the phone call that I had dreaded more than anything in this world.  I had to put my full trust in Heavenly Father and follow what I knew to be right.

After I hung up, I prayed to make it into the bathroom before I started sobbing.  I felt like my throat was on fire from holding in that much pain. As soon as I locked the bathroom stall door, I let it out. Trying to keep what little composure I had left, I tried to keep it as quiet as possible, timing any sobs with the noise of the sink turning on or a toilet flushing. It was not my finest hour.

I also prayed harder than I ever have. Prayed for him. Prayed for me. Prayed more and more for him. Prayed that I was doing the right thing and that I hadn’t just walked away from my only chance at love.

I emerged 20 minutes later, red faced and puffy, to board my flight. I’m sure that everyone was hoping I wouldn’t choose the seat next to them.

So here I go, walking into an unknown. Putting my faith in Him and his plan for me. Closing my eyes and taking that first step, even though I can’t see the road before me.

Wish me luck.

Mr. Cantstoptalking

Ah Tinder.  I have quite the love/hate relationship with this app.  Yes, a lot of people use it for a quick hook up, but in Utah, a majority of people use it for actual dating.  You would be surprised at the number of brides that come into my store who met their fiances on Tinder.  I have actually met some really great guys here.

The best part of Tinder is it's fast and free.  Want a date that week?  Tinder is the way to go.  Want 5 dates that week?  As long as your standards aren't too high, Tinder is your best friend.

But of course there are some weird people on Tinder, and of course they all want to talk to me....

So just to give you a little background, here is my Tinder profile.

I know, how could you resist swiping right???  But honestly, I don't think my profile has anything in it that would send the message "I love weird guys!!".  

Last week I swiped right on this guys profile.  Meet Quantrell.  Or as I like to call him, Mr. Cantstoptalking.

He looks handsome, educated and uses punctuation.  No red flags yet.

We begin messaging each other, still no red flags.  He asks me out for later that week and I agree and give him my number.  This was on Monday.

Flash forward to Wednesday morning.  My sister is in town visiting me and we are both dead asleep.

Its 7am.  Let me repeat, it's 7 o'clock in the freaking morning.  

My phone rings and I stumble to find it.  I don't recognize the number, but I answer.

*Let me preface this by saying that I have a ring-back tone on my phone that plays the song "Barbie Girl".  Yes I know it's cheesy and that no one has them any more, but I find it very entertaining when people get the song stuck in their heads.  Plus I forget it plays that.  Anyway....

I groggily answer the phone, and am greeted by this;

Hahaha oh man oh man that is hilarious oh man it was all like I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world haha oh sh** I know I am supposed to be all professional and sh** but haha I can't believe it was all like I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world oh man if only my boys could see me now I'm all dancing around to I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world you know what song was my jam you know which one it was I'm blue da ba dee da bu dah da bu dee da bu dah oh man that was my jam I wish my boys could see me now hahaha we could be together and you would be all I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world and I would be all I'm blue da ba dee da bu dah da bu dee da bu dah oh man that was my jam hahaha

Notice how I didn't use any punctuation?  That's because he talked non stop for a full two minutes without taking a break.  At the time, I literally had no idea who this was.  So once he finally stops talking, I say "I am so sorry, I have no idea who this is".  This starts a whole nother rant;

Oh you dont oh you dont know who I am well lets take a look at your profile huh yea lets look at your profile so your profile says and I quote and I quote I am the coolest person you will ever meet and I'm really humble so let's look at the definition of humble ok ok so humble means having or showing a modest or low estimate of one's own importance so why don't you think about that yea think about that and get your sh** together k yea get your sh** together and I will talk to you soon ok ok

And he hangs up.

So there I am, mouth hanging open, trying to figure out who the crap that was and if I was dreaming.  That couldn't have really just happened, could it?

Yep, it happened.

I spend the next 20 minutes going through my phone trying to figure out who this is.  I scour through my matches on Tinder, but he doesn't look like anyone.  And none of the phone numbers I have exchanged matched his.  

I text him again letting him know I have no idea who this is still, and he replies "Me".  Oh yes, that's helpful.  

A few minutes later, I get a picture of him with his dog.  I have no idea who this guy is.  My best guess is it's this Quantrell guy, but honestly they don't look much alike.

And then the video comes.  Brace for it.

Did everyone have the same reaction I did?  Which would be "What the ????"

I have no idea what he was hoping to get from sending that video.  Did he think that I would be more impressed by him telling me which celebrities he wants to sleep with, or his dance skills, or by his outfit where he "reps" a place he no longer lives, or by his comatose dog in the background?  Can you imagine the kind of crap that dog witnesses on a daily basis?

I never replied to him after that, but he tried to reach out to me a few times.  I don't believe in ghosting people, but in this case, I thought it was best that I just disappear.

Until we meet again Tinder, until we meet again......

My Date With The Polygamist

I want to keep the worst date for last, and it took me a long time to decide which was worse, this or the "Drunken Pirate" date.  Ultimately the pirate story was deemed the worst, but not by much, and you will see it in a future post.

Now I bring you, "My Date With The Polygamist".  And strangely enough, the polygamist portion was not the weirdest part of the date...

And in my defense, even my roommate, who was a lesbian, had a boyfriend.  I was a little desperate ;)

About 10 years ago, I decided to try online dating on an LDS website.  At a time when online dating still had a huge stigma attached to it, and there not being a huge amount of single Mormons in Colorado, pickings were a little slim.  I received a message from, we will call him Jacob, and eventually we exchanged numbers.  One night I came home to a voicemail from him, so I called him back.

A woman answered the phone.  Odd, but ok.  When he came on the line, we chatted for a bit and I finally asked who had answered the phone.  He explained that it was his mother, and that after his divorce, times were tough so he moved in with his mom.  Understandable, people need to be able to get back on their feet.  I asked how long he had been divorced and he replied "8 years".  Had he been living there that whole time?  Yes indeed.  Eight.  Years.

Next he asked me what my dream first date would be.  I told him an evening at Dave & Busters (just an FYI, this is an awesome first date.  Even if there doesn't end up being a romantic spark, you can still have a blast playing arcade games).  He said it was a little expensive for him and he wasn't sure he could make that work.  I completely understood.  It is easy to spend $75 on a date there.  No big deal.

So I suggested we meet at Cold Stone where we could just get some ice cream and chat.

He paused, and then said "Well, I guess I could ask to borrow some money from my mom".

Let that sink in for a minute.  Yes, this man was telling me that he couldn't afford to take me out for $5 ice cream.  I am fully aware that I should have turned and ran, but I pressed on.  I'm a trooper that way.

I suggested we find something else more "budget friendly" to do, but he said he would find a way to make it work.  

We made plans to meet at the store close to my house the following evening.  It was a nice summer night and I sat outside waiting for him to get there.  Eventually an old beater car pulls into the parking lot, you know the kind that the engine makes loud knocking noises and the doors are different colors because they are spray painted with primer, and out comes my date.  

My rule has always been that he has to at least have a car, it didn't matter what kind it was.  My attempt at not being superficial was coming back to bite me in the a...

He walks up and introduces himself and shakes my hand.  He then invites me to sit at a little table outside so we could chat.  As soon as we sit down, he exclaims "I totally forgot!  I need you to choose which one you like best!".  From his back pockets he pulls out two full bottles of cologne, Drakkar Noir and another one I can't remember.  He hands them to me and insists I smell them so I can tell which one I prefer him to wear on my date.  I wasn't sure what to do, so I chose Drakkar and hoped to move on.  

Time for more small talk, my favorite.  I ask him what he does for a living, and he replies "I help families save a lot of money".

Ummm, ok.

I ask him to elaborate.  He says "Families really appreciate how I help them save money".

What is this guy, the Riddler?

No really, what do you do for a living.

"I work at Walmart".

Ok, that's fine.  Lots of people work at Walmart.  What does he do there?

He works nights stocking shelves.

Ok, not so great, but we all do what we have to do to get by,

How long has he worked there?

8 year.  Eight.  Years.  In the same position.

Ok, let's give him the benefit of the doubt.  Walmart has a great management program and maybe he is going to take advantage of it.

Nope, he plans to stay in his current position with no plans of changing.  He doesn't want to move up because he doesn't want that kind of responsibility.  Awesome.  What woman wouldn't be charmed by a complete lack of ambition?

In an attempt to move along this incredible date, I suggest we go in to order some ice cream.  "Oh wait!" he exclaims, "I brought you something to look at".  He runs back to his car and comes back with a 4 inch thick 3 ring binder.  Confused, I open it to the first page with the title "Memories of Jacob".  I'm confused, looking up at him with a puzzled look on my face.  "It's a book my mom put together with memories of me as a little boy.  I thought you would like to read it."

This book is well over 100 pages.  I casually flip through the pages, trying to fake interest.  The only thing I can remember is one excerpt that said "Jacob is now 8 years old and has still never tasted sugar.  We couldn't be more proud".  Yes, really.

I close the book and say thank you and that it was so interesting.  He looks disappointed, "Don't you want to read more of it?".  I spend the next five minutes flipping through pages, trying to look like I was truly interested, while he sat and watched me.  After I feel I have put enough effort into this, I close the book and say thank you.  He finally agrees to head in and get some ice cream.

We stand there looking at the menu and I ask what he is going to order.  "Nothing" he says, "I only brought enough money for one".  Fantastic.  I debate not getting anything, but decide I deserve it at this point.  We head back outside for some more awkward conversation.  I've never eaten ice cream so fast.  I'm amazed I don't still have brain freeze.

I try to make my escape, but no.  He suggests we do something else, the night is young.  What does he have in mind?  Of course he doesn't have any ideas.  After a few moments of silence, he asks if I like to play pool.  Sure, why not.  I know of a bar a little ways away that has some pool tables so we head over there.  It took all of my willpower to not take off and head home, but I'm not that kind of person.  Nope, I'm the kind of person who ignores every red flag possible and gives people the benefit of the doubt for absolutely no reason.  I'm just that amazing.

We get to the bar and walk over to a pool table.  It costs a dollar to play, and you guessed it, he didn't have any money.  No worries, I got this.  I would love to pay for and play a game of pool.  I am not too proud to admit that when he wasn't looking I pushed any of the balls in the pockets just to end the game sooner.

Finally, the game is over.  I can run from this date.  Not so fast!  He is having an amazing time!  Let's go somewhere and talk, he suggests.  Don't worry, I am far too nice to say no.  Let's head to a nearby park and walk around.  There is nothing I would love better than to be in a poorly lit place with you right now.

Ok, one lap around the park and I can officially say goodnight.  I start asking him about his divorce and if he gets to see his daughter.

"Yes I do.  It's really nice that my ex and I have such a good relationship because I really want her to be one of my wives one day".

My eyes get wide.  I must have misheard him.  There is no way this guy is talking about his hopes to marry multiple women.  Let's move on, I must be going crazy.  Small talk about work, family, and then back to his daughter, and then his ex.

"I really hope my ex gets her act together one day because I really want her to be one of my wives".

That's it.  I'm out.  I'm glad it was dark and he couldn't see the look on my face.  I speed walk back to my car and say goodnight.

Looking back, I wish I had asked for more clarification.  Did he mean multiple wives in this life or the next?  Was he hoping to lure in multiple women with his sexy cologne and scrapbooks?  The world will never know....

My First Date In Utah

Part 2 in my series of my weirdest dates and/or interactions with men....

My First Date in Utah....

*Just a heads up, this story is nowhere near as crazy as my last one, but still good/bad enough for a blog post.  Needless to say, it wasn't the best way to start my Utah dating experience.*

When I first moved to Salt Lake City, I had never had any experience with a mid-singles ward before.  Because I didn't know anyone, I wanted to jump into things as quickly as possible.  I did some research online and tried to figure out which ward I should be in (I was wrong by the way) and reached out to the Executive Secretary to set up an appointment with the Bishop.

While chatting over text, he asked if I would like to go out with him sometime.  I said yes and we set it up for that Saturday.  I texted him my address and he asked me for the whole address.  This was weird, because I gave him the whole address.  He asked me for more numbers and I had no idea what that meant.  Being from Colorado, I wasn't familiar with the grid system, so I had no idea what information he was trying to get.  He then asked me to walk out to the street sign and read him all the numbers.  Ummm, what?  My friend I was staying with lived on a street that didn't have the weird cross streets (like 200 S 451 E) instead it was a normal address (like 1234 Washington Lane).  Again he asked me for all the numbers.  I told him I didn't know what he meant.  He then asked me how to get there.  At this point I was getting super annoyed and I finally asked if he has GPS on his phone.  He said yes and I asked if he couldn't just get direction from there?  I guess that must have worked because he stopped asking for more information.

On Saturday he picked me up and when we got to the car, he opened my door for me.  I must have been a little too enthusiastic in my "thank you" because when he got in the car, he made some comment about how I must have never had a guy treat me well before (umm, not accurate at all.  I just like to show my appreciation when guys are gentlemen).

I asked what he had planned and he said we were going to a friends house to watch the "Holy War" (the Utah vs BYU football game).  When we finally got to house, he parked his car and asked if I would mind if he texted a few people for his calling.  I said sure, so he grabbed a giant binder from his back seat and proceeded to text and call people.

For 30 minutes.

And all I could do was sit there.

He finally finished and we went to the front door.  His friend answers and the only thing my date says is "do you have a computer I can use?".  He goes inside and heads to a desk in the living room and opens a laptop.  He doesn't introduce me, he doesn't even make sure I'm in the house.  So I walk in awkwardly and say hi to a group of 20 people by myself.  I'm a pretty outgoing person, but this was even weird for me.

By the time we got to the party, the game was half over.  So I sat, by myself, watching a game with people I didn't know, while my date sat on a laptop not talking to me or anyone else.

When the game was over, my date finally closes the laptop and says "Thanks for having us over" and walks out the front door.  Apparently we are leaving, so I look around and say nice to meet you and follow him out.  He is already in his car and waiting for me.

At this point I'm done and I just want to go home.  He asks if I want to grab dinner, but I say something about needing to get home.  I have no idea where we are, and he starts (what I feel like is just randomly) starts driving around.  It turns out we are in West Valley, and it doesn't seem to be the friendliest neighborhoods.  All of a sudden he makes a U turn and drives into what looks like an abandoned parking lot.  I honestly thought "Is this really how I'm going to die?  After a really bad date?  Thanks Utah".  I ask him where we are going and he replies something like "Why do you seem nervous?".  He drives around a few more deserted buildings, turns a corner and pulls into a gas station.  Guess I won't die after all...

Finally we are on the way home.  He drives back on different freeways than we came in and I am totally lost.  I know only 1 exit to get to my house, and he passes it.  I say "I think that was the exit?".  He gets quiet and then says "You seem like a very open minded person".

Oh yea, this can only lead to good things.

"And you seem like the person that if someone had some criticism for you, you would take it to heart".

All I can muster at this point is "ummm, ok"

"You should never, ever criticize a mans driving."

No for real, that's his advice for me.

I reply "I wasn't criticizing, I just wasn't sure if you knew you missed the exit".

"You should never criticize a mans driving".

Yep, I'm done.  I'm sure I said something passively back, but at this point I just wanted to get home.

Finally he pulls into my driveway.  He makes a big deal about coming around to open my car door (because apparently he's an amazing gentleman) and walks me to the door.  He gives me a hug and tells me what a great time he has had and would love to get together again.

Needless to say, there wasn't a second date.  Thankfully, my other Utah dates got a lot better.....

Queen Sloth

This is the first post in my series of worst date/experiences with guys I have had.  Let me clarify, the guy I am talking about in this one I never dated, but it was so crazy it just had to share.  It's crazy enough that the people I have had read the messages I almost wish I had recorded their faces while they read because it was so crazy.  If I didn't have the screen shots, I honestly don't think anyone would believe it happened.

I met this guy at church, and only talked to him for about a minute.  He seemed nice enough and he asked if I could send him invites to events that were happening.  Since that is something I used to do, I said sure.  A few weeks later I had a party at my house and he came.  I remember talking to him briefly and thinking he was a little socially awkward, but that seems to be pretty common anymore so I didn't think much of it.

A little over a week later I get a late night call from two of my friends.  They told me they had met this guy at the party and he had asked for their numbers.  They were uncomfortable, but agreed.  One of them had just started dating someone and let him know, but he continued to text her.  The texts were harmless, but still unwanted.

The other girl had a bit of a different experience.  She had avoided his texts and a few phone calls and was just hoping he would go away.  The night that she called me, he had left her a 4 minute voicemail that was fairly bizarre.  He alternated from telling her how beautiful she was, to criticizing her life choices, including her decision to go to a family ward instead of a singles ward (this must really bother him because it comes up later).

I have a big problem with avoiding or "ghosting" someone, it's happened to me and it sucks.  I told the second girl that I need her to be direct with him.  She could be mean or nice about it, but she had to say the words "I'm not interested".  A lot of times girls think they are being clear with guys and they aren't at all, so when people ask me for dating advice, this is one of the first things I tell them.  This is also shows if a man will be graceful about it, or freak out.

The next day she texted me saying that she had texted him very nicely that she was flattered, but not interested.  He tried to call her, but she didn't answer (she was at work, but didn't want to talk anyway).  She then received the following text (I couldn't figure out how to get a print screen of it because it's too long, sorry).  I have taken out any names so everyone can remain anonymous;

**Can you please call me when you're off work? I'm not a robot and neither are you.  Texting has it's place like if you're at work, in a meeting,  hosting a client or the topic of the conversation is inappropriate in public, private in nature, or each person is in a loud environment and unable to "give" full attention to another. Otherwise, texting is for immature people or who those who a perhaps too selfish to part with their own time for another. Boiled down, as a man of God, texting in my fair opinion is various levels of PRIDE & SLOTH. It attracts laziness, ego inflation, grandiosity, & feel its a tool of the Devil to separate hearts, & take lives in traffic.

Passionate words from a passionate man.

I'm assuming you're at work, on lunch & choose not to take my call.

I can relate. I'll be patient with you. I want to respect your process of what you're dealing with that has validated your thinking to allow you to believe it's okay to be in a "Family Ward" as a Single.

My view on this is, it's very understandable if you're healing from say a divorce, grieving a loved one...Something major.

However,  if you're avoiding something in your life, or too SLOTHFUL to get it together on a Sunday or it's convenient to go dumpy to the local family ward, then it's just SLOTH validates by PRIDE & EGO. These sins create separation from God's Will & allows us to remain unsurrended & disobedient to God's greater good.

Be a big girl, and return my calls, ****. You'll probably be grateful later you did.

Tough love,
****
End of Text


At this point, I knew he was fairly crazy.  Because he had met them at my party, and they came to me with valid concerns, I decided to send him a message on Facebook.  This was when he decided to take the lid completely off his crazy and let it go everywhere....

My messages are the ones in blue;

Yep, crazy pants.  Thankfully, I have a strong enough sense of self worth that this did not effect me in the least.  I have not seen or heard from him since this happened.  

My life is never dull.  Much love,

Sloth Queen

Secrets to Online Dating – Part 2

A few weeks ago I posted Part 1 of this series http://barbieannlove.blogspot.com/2016/03/the-secrets-to-online-dating-part-1.html  where we focused on photos.

Now let’s talk about the second most important part of your online profile, the “About Me” section.  The section where you have up to 1000 words to convince all those eligible singles how amazing you are and that they should propose to you immediately  J

There is a very delicate balance to this section.  Put too little and you seem uninterested, put too much and you seem like a crazy person.  So let’s go over some of the Do’s and Don’ts I have learned.

DON’T

Only put “I’m an open book.  Ask me what you want to know”.  This comes across as lazy and unwilling to put forth any effort (this is how they end up being in relationships too).

DON’T

Be too general.  Anyone can say “I like to eat out and go to the movies”.

DO

Give a little more detail that would give someone an easy way to start a conversation.  Instead of saying “I like to eat out”, you can say “I’m a big fan of Mexican food, the Red Iguana is one of my favorites”.  Or instead of “I like to go to the movies” you can say “I’m always up for a good action movie.  Anyone up for a Mission Impossible marathon?”.  What an easy way to transition into a conversation!  How simple is it to send a message saying “Red Iguana is my favorite too!  Which is your favorite kind of mole?”.

DON’T

Give a list of what you don’t want.  Example “Short guys need not apply” or “Only looking for a physically fit girl.  If you can’t run up a flight of stairs without getting out of breath, don’t bother”.  Both of these are real things I have seen on someone’s profile.  Yes, we all have things we really want in a partner, but putting them out in such a negative way makes you come across as extremely shallow.

DO

Keep things upbeat and positive.  Being too negative is a guaranteed way to have people pass you by.

DON’T

Talk about your ex or your divorce on your profile.  Things like “She left me and it wasn’t my fault” or “my ex was a cheating scumbag” do nothing but show you aren’t over your last relationship and clearly aren’t ready for dating yet.  This is an instant red flag for most people.

DO

Use grammar and punctuation!  One giant run on sentence is confusing.  Not being willing to spell out simple words like you (u) or are (r) make us assume you are an idiot.  Type out what you want to say in a Word doc first, check it for spelling.  Then have a friend look it over to make sure it makes sense.  A little double checking can go a long way!

DON’T

Make your profile too long.  I saw one once that was 9 paragraphs.  Nine.  People are looking for a general overview of who you are and if there are any common interests.  They do not want your life story, a poem you wrote, and your entire testimony.

DO

Talk about things you are passionate about.  Goals in life, hobbies that you would really love to have a partner join you in etc.

Hopefully these tips help you on your online dating journey.  And if you want all the secrets, contact the LDS Matchmaker for their online dating package.  It’s worth it!

www.theldsmatchmaker.com

Why Am I Single? The Question That Changed Everything…..

Why Am I Single?

This is a question that every single person has asked themselves, probably multiple times.  Most of the time it has a negative context, depression and wondering if marriage will ever happen and what we are doing wrong that is preventing it.

A few months ago I was asked this question, and everything changed.

I was in an appointment with my dating coach and she asked me the question.  My mind automatically went to the negative.  Am I not trying hard enough?  Am I not pretty enough?  What can I do to change?

Lauren looked at me and said “Do you think that if Heavenly Father wanted you to be married right now, that you would be?”

The question stopped me in my tracks.  I had to stop and think about it.  Did I truly believe that Heavenly Father would help marriage happen for me at the right time?  Yes, of course I did.

Lauren shared with me something she struggled with before she met her now husband, and the answer that she received.  Rather than praying for a spouse and to move onto that next step, she felt prompted to ask what she should be learning while she was single.  She knew she needed to shift her focus to helping other singles, it was one of her greatest strengths.

So she presented the question to me.  Why am I single?  But instead of thinking about what I’m doing wrong, she wants me to think about what I need to be learning.  What are things that Heavenly Father wants me to accomplish that I couldn’t if I was married?

Being single is not a punishment.  It is not a holding pattern where we wander aimlessly until we find a spouse and start that part of our lives.  This is a time where we can contribute so much to our communities, wards, and others. 

As soon as she got me thinking about this question in such a different way, everything changed for me.  I felt a peace that I have never known.  Of course I will still do everything I can to find that person, that is still extremely important.  But for the time being, I want to grow and become the person He wants me to be.

So I ask each of you, why are you single?





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