Chivalry – Is it dead, or can it be resuscitated?

Chivalry – Is it dead, or can it be resuscitated?

I have become painfully aware lately at the lack of chivalry in our culture.  Men doing basic gentlemanly things was something I so rarely witnessed, the few times it happened it threw me off.  I had gotten so accustomed to doing things for myself, I had developed the mindset of “just because I don’t have a penis, doesn’t mean I can’t open a door myself”.  Now don’t get me wrong, I love knowing that I can be independent and do things myself.  But I have come to realize how nice it is when men do those little gestures.

I am not a very romantic person.  I don’t need flowers, jewelry or gifts to feel loved.  I think one of the sweetest things a man can do is hold my hand in public or put his hand on the small of my back when I walk in front of him.  But it wasn’t until my guy friends started pointing it out to me, that I realized I actually push away a lot of acts of chivalry, simply because I am not used to it.  I am very blessed to have some truly incredible men in my life who have been amazing examples to me of what a real man is, and because of them, I am trying to be a better woman.

Let me also be clear though, just because you do some of these basic acts, I may still think you are a d-bag.  I know too many guys that think because they opened the car door for their girlfriend, that makes it ok to flirt with the waitress because they are a “good guy” and it’s just for fun.  I have said it over and over again, I am looking for a guy who does the right thing because he knows it’s what he should do, not just because he is trying to make an impression on someone.

So I decided in this post I would go over a few things guys should start doing to step up their game  J

Holding the Door Open for a Woman – And Not Just the Hot Ones

When I was heavier, I had gotten very used to the fact that men didn’t usually hold the door open for me.  To save myself the embarrassment, when I was walking to a door, I found myself start to speed up my walk so that it would put me in front of anyone else there so I could open the door.  This had become such a habit that I didn’t realize I was doing it until a few months ago I was out with a friend.  He literally pulled on my arm to slow me down so he could open the door for me.  He then scolded me for not giving him the chance to do this nice gesture.  That was an eye opener for me.  I had gotten so used to not having it done, that I didn’t give anyone the chance to try. 

I have started slowing down my walk now to see what happens.  Half of the time, the man will open the door and stand to the side and let me walk in front of him.  The other half of the time (if they open the door at all, there are still plenty of times they don’t) they open it for themselves and lean back to keep a hand on the door to prop it open until I can hold it myself.  I am really surprised at how different I feel with each of these scenarios.  The first makes me feel appreciated and gives me a boost of self confidence, while the second makes me feel like an after thought, and just a step up from being ignored completely.

What I really hate to see is the guys who only open for the girls they are interested in, or the “hot” ones.  If you are going to be a gentleman, do it all the time, not just when it might benefit you in some way.

Opening Her Car Door

This is one that is actually not a requirement for me, but it is nice when it happens.  The reason this isn’t a requirement for me, is I always think when will it stop happening?  Will he only do it while we are dating?  Just the first date?  Forever?  Should I be offended when it stops?  My friend Cameron went with me to my work Christmas party in December and he made a point to open my car door every time.  Because this is something I am not used to, I pushed it away.  He scolded me for not letting me, and then told me that I need to let guys do it.  For some reason this really stuck with me.  Why was I pushing it away?  Did I feel like I didn’t deserve to have it done?  Honestly, for a long time, I really didn’t feel like I deserved it.  I had dated nothing bust scum bags my whole life, being treated well was an adjustment I had to mentally prepare for.

So now when it happens, I let it happen, and I actually enjoy it.  It makes me feel feminine and taken care of.  But again, it isn’t a requirement.  I don’t feel let down if he doesn’t do it.  I still see some couples who have been married for twenty plus years and he opens the car door her every single time.    Guys need to know it really is the small gestures that we remember.

Carrying Things for Her

This is kind of an old school thing to do, but something that I would like to see make a comeback.  And granted, this is the kind of thing you see when the guy is interested in her, which in this case is ok.  Example – you know in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (don’t even lie, most of you guys have seen it.  And if you haven’t, you need to.  I love that freaking movie) and they go to the barn raising?  And all the girls get there so the guys go and help them carry their stuff?  And really, does a girl need help carrying a pie?  No, I think our little bitty muscles can handle that, but to have a guy offer is incredibly sweet.

Unfortunately this can also backfire.  I know a lot of girls who are still in the overly independent mindset and get offended if you try.  But ask anyway.  In this case, the thought totally counts.

There are times that you should offer whether you are interested in her or not.  A friend of mine signed up to make a turkey for an activity our ward did last year.  When she went to drop it off at the church she had to carry the twenty pound cooked turkey in a tray, and try to open the door herself (two guys watched, but didn’t get up to open the door for her).  She wasn’t sure where to take it, so she asked someone and he said “I guess the kitchen would be ok”, then he walked away!  Hey dumbass, the correct thing would have been to say “let me hold that for you and we can find someone who knows where it should go”.  She also passed three other guys, not one of which offered to help.  I’m willing to guess these are the same kinds of guys that sit at home (meaning their parents basements) and play lots of video games, but that’s a subject for another blog…

Setting Up/Taking Down Tables and Chairs

Yep, I’m bringing it up yet again.  I still stand by my theory that the guys who always stay after and clean up tables and chairs are the guys we girls should be paying attention to.  In family wards, most guys help clean up.  In singles wards, you get one or two.  In fact, most of the time, there are more girls cleaning up than guys.

A few months ago at a linger longer, my friend started cleaning up.  She was in her church dress and heels and was picking up a table to put away.  The executive secretary came over and started to take it out of her hands saying “What are you doing?  Let us put this away”.  She told him no, and pointed out it was a test for the guys.  He then looked around and realized that not one guy was helping clean up.  They were all sitting and talking while the girls put away the tables and chairs.  I recently visited a different ward and went to their linger longer after church.  At the end, I noticed one guy putting away the tables and chairs.  That seemed silly to me, so I went to help him.  Again, no one else came to help.  I have even been to help people move, where twice as many people from the relief society showed up compared to elders quorum.

A friend of mine has a theory he calls “STP”.  Basically in every ward you are in, the Same Ten People do most of the work.  They are always there for building clean up, when people move, organizing activities etc.  So what has happened that this is the norm for everything?  This especially troubles me in the singles wards where I see maybe 3 people do everything.  Not to go back to 1950’s stereotypes, but what happened to the girls doing the dishes, and the guys picking up the heavy stuff? 

One of the things I have always respected about the church the most is that no one gets paid to do anything.  A ward acts as its own small community, and we all should share in the cleaning and upkeep to keep things going.  Why is it now that people come for the food, then if there isn’t anyone there worth their time to talk to, they leave without a second thought? 

There are some good guys out there –

I just want to take a minute to point out some of the people that keep me having faith that there are good guys out there.  My brother in law is one of the best guys I know, which I funny because I hated him for the first few years they were married.  Their old neighbor lost her husband last year to cancer and has a toddler age son.  I found out that when it snows, he drives over to her house with my nephew and shovels, every time.  No one is asking him to do it.  He isn’t looking for recognition.  He does it because he knows it is a small thing that will help her.

This last weekend I took some people to a BBQ at a friends house in Arvada.  On the drive back, the other car got a flat tire and the tools they had didn’t fit her new wheels.  I called my friend who was throwing the BBQ to see if anyone could help.  He left his own party to help a girl he had met only an hour ago.  When his tools wouldn’t work either, they went to Walmart, bought the parts and fixed it.  He would not accept anything for thanks and ended up missing the festivities that night.  The worst part?  The girl with a flat tire had another guy with her who didn’t do any of that.

Guys, you know I love you.  Hopefully you all step up your game a bit to show us what real men look like  J

Barbie and Her Tiny Tummy - AKA I Am Now a Really Cheap Date

Barbie and Her Tiny Tummy – AKA I am now a really cheap date

On February 15, 2011 I had gastric bypass surgery.  This has been one of the best decisions of my life, and I am shocked by the changes both physically and mentally.

At this time last year, I weighed 304.4 pounds and wore a size 26.  I was extremely good at justifying this weight, it wasn’t really that big, I was tall so I didn’t look as heavy, I wore flattering clothes etc.  For years I tried diets only to loose some weight, just to gain it all back and then some.  What I had to come to terms with was that I had developed a very dangerous addiction to food.  It no longer was a form of nutrition and energy, it was a way to alter my mood and truly, slowly kill myself.

My decision to have the surgery was not something I came to quickly.  I had been thinking about it for years (back when I was 220 pounds).  For years it felt like the timing wasn’t right, or was too extreme etc and I stopped thinking about it as an option.  Then one morning in July 2010, I woke up and my first thought was “I need to talk to a Dr. about having weight loss surgery”.  This was completely out of the blue, but I decided to go with the prompting.  That day at work, I looked at my insurance and at the hospitals I was covered under.  I saw that Parker Adventist was listed, so I called to see if they had a Bariatric Surgery center.  The operator who answered was surprised at my call, because they had literally just had a Dr. sign on and would be opening his doors in the next month.  Interesting coincidence.  I spoke to his receptionist (an amazing woman named Joe) who gave me all the information and even started submitting things to my insurance.

I found out that my insurance had a waiting policy for the surgery.  I had to wait six months and go thru monthly phone calls with a nurse and a nutritionist.  I started to think of this like the waiting period they have for people who want to buy a gun.  For me, once I decided on the surgery, I wanted it right then.  I was ready to change.  They make you wait so you don’t run off and do anything stupid and without being totally sure, and I’m so thankful I did.  The people were incredibly helpful and taught me so many things I needed to know.  This waiting period was crucial to the mental toll the surgery was going to take.

Originally, I wanted to have the lap band procedure.  But after doing a lot of research and talking with my surgeon, I decided that Gastric bypass (Roux En Y) was the best choice.  For more information on the difference of these surgeries, click this link

http://parkerhospital1-px.rtrk.com/

I have had lots of questions about my surgery, so I figured I would answer as much as I can here.

How much weight have I lost?

As of today, I have lost 136 pounds.  I still have about 25 more to loose before I get to my goal weight.

What was surgery like?

It really wasn’t that bad.  The procedure was done laparoscopically so they made five small incisions in my abdomen and inserted tubes with cameras etc in them to perform the surgery (if you are feeling adventurous, you can find video of a surgery online and watch it.  I did, and it helped me understand what happene).  I was in the hospital for two days, then home.  I was kept on IV painkillers at the hospital, then tablet painkillers at home.  The pain was very minimal.  I have to look hard to even find the incision scars now, they have almost completely faded away.

Did I have any complications?

Nothing I wasn’t expecting, and they were very minimal.  I read a lot before the surgery to prepare myself for the worst that could happen.  I was very blessed that I went into my surgery in very good health.  I was not a diabetic, I did not have high cholesterol or blood pressure etc.  I followed the guidelines they gave me for the first six months as exactly as I could, this is a big reason I have never had some of the problems others have.

The most annoying complication I have had is hair loss.  I have lost at least 60% of my hair.  Thankfully, I had a lot of hair to begin with, so I don’t have any bald spots or anything like that, it’s just much thinner.  Most patients experience this complication (they believe it is due to a protein deficiency) and my hair has started growing back.  If my choice is to be morbidly obese with great hair, or healthy with thin hair, I’ll take thin hair every time  J

How much can I eat?

After my surgery, my stomach was about 2 ounces, or the size of an egg.  Depending on what I eat, it can stretch to about a cup (or 8 ounces).  I now order almost everything off of the kids menu, and barely eat half of it.  See why I said I’m a cheap date?  J

What can I eat?

Honestly, I can eat just about anything I want, just in very small portions.  Some things make me feel like crap (white flour, sugar) so I try to avoid it if possible.  After having the surgery, I have to make sure to drink at least 64 ounces of water each day (this is a giant pain) and at least 60 grams of protein.  The key is eating your protein first, then you can add carbs etc after, if you have any room left.

Why did I decide to do the “easy thing” and have surgery, rather than watch what I eat and exercise?

Let me make this very clear, having the surgery was not an “easy thing” in any way shape or form.  My food addiction had gotten so bad, it literally was out of my control.  I would eat massive amounts of food multiple times a day.  I realized the only way I would be able to stop is if I had a physical limit put in place.  A few days after the surgery, I had a massive panic attack and emotional breakdown.  Normally when I felt anything like this come on, I would eat until I calmed down.  Having this no longer be an option, it forced me to really stop and deal with what I was feeling.  This was the only breakdown I had since the surgery, and I’m thankful I had been in therapy and worked with the nutritionist before hand to know how to work my way thru it.

Let me also make it clear that the surgery is not a magic pill.  It is simply a tool to assist with a life change.  My Dr. told me about a call he got from a patients mother two weeks after her surgery.  They were in the ER because the daughter had gotten upset and tried to eat 2 quarter pounders to deal with the emotions she was feeling.  She found her curled up in the fetal position, and had ripped most of her stitches.  Just because you have the surgery, it does not mean it is going to be easy.  Some people don’t deal with the mental issues and go right back to eating the way they did before.

Can I gain the weight back?

Yes, absolutely.  It is possible to re-stretch your stomach to the size it was before, and get it used to eating crap again.  Like I said, the surgery is only a tool to assist you in making healthy changes.

What are the changes that took the longest to get used to?

Having to slow down!  Meals should take a minimum of 15 minutes to eat, this took some serious getting used to.  Also, chewing like crazy.  Now when I eat a meal, I take a bite and chew at least 20 times.  I also have to remember to put my fork down between bites, it helps you slow down.  I also stop and think after every few bites to figure out if I am full.  Overeating makes me feel like death, so I try to avoid it at all costs.

Do I feel so different now?  Do I have tons more energy?

Honestly, yes and no.  I had a lot of energy before my surgery, so in that way I don’t feel a lot different.  The times I really notice the weight loss are when I climb stairs.  I used to get winded after one flight.  Now I can climb several before I get out of breath (I still need to work out more).  Also seating is a big change.  When you are obese, you do a lot of things to help minimize embarrassment like avoiding chairs with arm rests because you wont fit, or sitting in booths because it is nearly impossible to wedge yourself in.  At the Cheesecake Factory, they have these kind of wicker chairs.  At my heaviest, I literally could not fit in them.  I went there a few months after surgery and the only seat left was in that chair.  I braced myself for the worst, and was shocked when I could fit!  It was a very emotional victory for me.

The same goes for seats at the Pepsi Center, I can now fit in them comfortably.  And on airplanes I no longer have to ask for a seat belt extender.  Being able to wear normal size clothing is probably my favorite change.  Once I get to my goal weight, shopping is going to become a very expensive habit for me  J

So there you have it.  Feel free to ask me any other questions you have, I’m very open about it.  And if anyone is struggling with weight loss or just needs someone to talk to, please let me know.

Am I Really Too Picky?

Am I Really Too Picky?

After my last post “Dating: The Two Main Things That Irritate Me”, I got some feedback of people commenting that all of my posts were about dating, and dating with the purpose of marriage.  It’s true, most of my posts are about dating in some way, but if you really think about it, my whole life revolves around relationships or lack of them.  I am a member of a completely family based church (I’m a Mormon), I am fully immersed in the singles ward and now branching into the mid-singles world, I run a branch of a dating service and to top it all off, I plan weddings.  Yep, the vast majority of my life revolves around dating, marriage and families.  There is no way to avoid it.  But honestly, I don’t think I would want to.

Being a single, 31 year old Mormon isn’t always easy, but I actually enjoy single life.  I am not the kind of girl who is in her Bishops office every other week, crying because I’m not married and how my life is miserable.  I live under no illusion that once you get married that life will be perfect.  Does it mean I want to be single forever?  Not at all.  I would love to meet a person I actually want to spend the rest of my life with (right now I would be excited to meet a guy I don’t want to punch in the throat during our first date, but I digress).   I would love to have a family and a home.  But I also know, without any doubt, that Heavenly Father will make the option of marriage available to me when he knows it’s time.  For some reason, this is all I need to know.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still wish the process itself would speed itself along.  There are days when I swear I can hear my uterus calling out “Remember me??  I’m only useful for so long!!”.  It would be nice to pop out a few kids before it turns to dust, but again, I don’t have much control over that.  Until that happens, if it does, I am very happy to live thru my siblings and treat their kids like my own.  I also don’t think I should just be sitting at home, waiting for my man to come along.  I fully intend on living life until the next step is ready to happen.

All of us have a list of qualities our dream spouse would possess.  And don’t think this is just girls, pretty much every guy I know has a list too.  My list used to be pretty basic, I would like him to be rich with heart problems.  Hahaha, I kid  J  My actual list used to be a little longer, until a few years ago when Elder Bednar came to speak to the YSA here in Colorado.  It was an open Q&A forum.  One guy got up and asked something along the lines of “What do you recommend we do to help us find a spouse with all of the things we want”.  Elder Bednar started talking about all of the qualities we had on our lists, looks, spirituality, education etc.  Then he looked at us all and did something I would never forget, he chastised us.  Honestly, he got pretty upset, well, as mad as Elder Bednar gets probably.  He basically looked at us and said “You have a list of all these qualities she needs to have to be worthy of you?  Just who exactly do you think you are?”.  Then he said the most profound thing “That list needs to be for you.  That list needs to be for YOU”. 

Yes he said it twice, he felt it was that important.  All of the things on the list that this dream person needs to have, those are things YOU should possess.  And if you have them, the other people with those qualities will be drawn to you.  This has stuck with me ever since that night, and it has helped me as I try to improve to be the best Barbie I can be.  Over the years, my list has evolved into three basic things.  I will not get into a relationship unless he has the following things;

1.        A job

2.       A car

3.       A current temple recommend

Much to my surprise, in the last month I have had three separate people tell me that I am being too picky.  Really??  Too picky??  Let me point out that not one of the qualities I listed is a physical feature of any kind.  Also, nothing on this list is anything out of that persons control.  So how is this honestly being too picky?

Let me break down my list and the reasons behind my choices.

A Job –

Now of course there are exceptions to this, but very few.  I have several friends who are in medical/dental school, and literally cannot have a job.  Obviously this is an exception.  If you are spending 80 plus hours a week studying for your future career, there is nothing wrong with this. 

Also, this is a tough economy.  I know people who were laid off a year ago and have been unable to find anything in their specialty. 

Here is my reasoning behind this being a must have for me.  I have also been in the position of being unemployed more than once.  While looking for a job, I work every contact and apply to everything I am even remotely qualified for in the mean time.  Daily I am making phone calls, sending emails and setting up interviews.  I am not so prideful that I am not willing to work retail or deliver pizzas (I have done both for years at a time).  The problem I have, is with the multitudes of men that I see that are doing the bare minimum.  Working as few hours as possible, or applying for things online and never following up on them.  I know that if it ever came down to it, I would be willing to work 5 jobs to support my family.  Why shouldn’t I ask the same of a man?

A Car –

It doesn’t have to be a certain make or model, or even a nice car.  Just a car.  I have dated guys before without a car, and I ended up becoming a chauffer.  That sucked.  Get a freaking way to be independent, end of story.

A Current Temple Recommend –

Much to my surprise, this has been the one that is the most difficult to find.  I decided to phrase it as “have a current temple recommend” because it encompasses so much of what I need.  Someone with a strong testimony, active in their church callings, pays their tithing, is a worthy priesthood holder etc.  I know I need someone who has a testimony of the gospel for himself.  Not because his parents say it’s true.  Not because he just goes with the crowd.  And definitely not because it’s what I want for him.

I was talking to a friend this last weekend who wanted me to be aware that men with current temple recommends are hard to come by right now.  Sadly, this is the case for both young single adults and middle singles.  Maybe I was setting my standards too high?  I started getting extremely depressed about this.  Then I started getting frustrated.  Then I got pissed.  My poor mother and sister got to hear the majority of my rant.  I sure love that they put up with me.

Let me give you a little background on myself.  I was raised in the church, but I was inactive for 14 or so years.  My parents divorced when I was about 8 and my father became very less active.  I suffered from depression and severe social anxiety to the point where I refused to go to school and dropped out in the 8^th grade.  I am by no means a “Molly Mormon”.  During the years I was away from the church, I did a lot of really dumbass things.  I ended up with a very dark and difficult addiction that took me years to overcome.

I knew I was never going to have the life I wanted unless I put myself together.  In the fall of 2004, I started attempting coming back to church.  I phrase it that way because I think people who have never left the church, don’t understand how difficult it can be to come back.  It isn’t a “One day I woke up and stopped doing everything bad and was 100% active again”.  For three years it was more like 2 steps forward, 5 steps back.  Most of the time if I decided to go to church, I had been at the bar the night before.  I couldn’t figure out how to leave the life I wasn’t happy in, to go to a life I couldn’t figure out how to be happy in. 

I have been on the bad side of life.  I have sat in a Bishops office with him telling me I was probably going to be excommunicated (it was only by the grace of the Savior that I wasn’t) and it was then that I realized that I needed to decide what was more important to me.  Having “fun”?  Or progressing toward a happiness that I couldn’t even comprehend?  I made my choice in 2008, and I didn’t look back.  

I am sharing this because I want people to know it hasn’t been all sunshine and roses for me.  I worked and still work hard every day to keep my life going in the direction I know it should.

I made these choices for myself.  Not for anyone else, and I know that is a quality that I need in a spouse.  Needless to say, I can be a little, well let’s call it “opinionated”  J  The last thing I need is a guy who won’t stand up for what he knows is true and right.

So this leads me to why I was getting pissed off that night talking to my family.  I have overcome so much, don’t I deserve someone who has these basic qualities?  I am not saying he can’t have a past, heaven knows I have one, I care about how he is living his life right now and if he is moving forward and growing.

So do I feel that I am deserving of a man with these qualities?  Yes.  And I will not settle for less.  These are qualities I would expect in myself.  There is no reason I would not expect them in a spouse.

So if this makes me “picky”, does it mean that it’s ok if I have high standards?  You bet your sweet ass it does  J

Dating: The two main things that irritate me...

Dating:  The two main things that irritate me

I have spent the last few years deeply involved in the singles world.  I’ve learned a lot of things to do, and not to do, but by no means do I consider myself an expert.  There are two main things in the LDS dating scene that drive me crazy and personally I think are the biggest issues we face today.

Issue #1 - LDS guys are not aggressive enough, if at all.

Now I know not everyone will agree with me.  They will say “hey, I am or know lots of guys who are aggressive in pursuing life, careers, relationships etc.  That’s true, there are lots of them.  And guess what?  They’re married.  I’m talking about the LDS guys who are single over the age of 26, the selection that I have.  For some reason, so many of these guys are content with waiting to see what happens, or what I see far too often, why should they put out the effort when the girls pursue them?  Or they have been rejected or had their hearts crushed too many times and they don’t see the point in putting in the effort anymore.

I decided to brave a mid-singles activity a few weeks ago, and I ended up having a really good time and meeting some cool people.  The activity was dance lessons and we were going to learn the cha-cha.  The instructor was great and after he taught us a new move, he wanted us to switch partners.  The first time he did this, we all stood there like deer in head lights.  I know I was thinking “Do I go ask someone to dance?  Does he?”.  He saw our confusion and then said something that really resonated with me.  He said “Gentlemen!  It always has, and always will be your responsibility to ask a lady to dance!  So go find a partner!”  After that, it was smooth sailing.  There were more women than men, so for some moves there were women without a partner.  But it was ok, because if someone wanted to dance with us, we knew they would ask.  I remember being so relieved when he said this because it took the pressure off of me to use my outgoing personality to make something happen.

But afterwards I got to thinking.  Why, in a room of adults over the age of 30, people who own homes, have careers etc, did it have to be clarified that the men needed to be the ones to pursue the women?  Isn’t this common knowledge?  Men naturally want to chase, so when did it become the norm that this no longer happens?

One theory a friend of mine has is that the longer a man goes without sex, his brain starts to function improperly.  I think she may have a point.  When we have a bunch of 28 year old virgins wandering around, I really think the pistons aren’t all firing correctly.  Men need sex pretty much to function.  Does this mean that I think all those guys should go out and bone someone just to get their brains back on track?  Not at all, but I think it explains some of the weirdness  J

Another problem that I think has come into play is that women have become too aggressive.  I am a perfect example of this.  We have become so liberated and independent (which do not get me wrong, this is not a bad thing in most things), we have chosen to take the “I’m not going to sit around and wait, I’m going to make things happen” concept full force into our dating lives.  We are making all the moves, asking them out, pursuing them, calling them first.  I think this is backfiring for us in two main ways.

1.       The guys have gotten lazy.  Why should they pursue anyone, when we will do all the work for them?

2.       We are doing ourselves a disservice by settling for a guy who isn’t willing to work for us.

Pretty much all of my life I have been what I refer to as a “place holder”.  I have dated nothing but guys who are with me until someone better comes along.  I have had my heart crushed each time, but looking back, I realize I went thru that hard time because I let it happen.  I lowered my self worth just to feel good for a short time to be with someone.  I also realized each time, I had pursued them.  The other lesson I have learned from this is that no matter how hard you try, if the guy doesn’t truly want to be with you, he won’t.  Stop trying to force him.

The irony to being a self confident, independent woman, is that there is nothing I want more than to be with a man who will take charge and be, well, a man.  Someone who will ask me out, and put some thought into planning a date.  Someone who does the right thing because he knows it’s what he should do, not because he knows someone is watching him and he wants to impress them.  Someone who knows I am fully capable of opening a door, but wants to do it for me as a sign of respect.  Someone who if he wants to be with me, will do what it takes to chase me and let me know that I’m wanted.  And someone who knows that the best way to get me to shut up when I am being a pain in the butt is to kiss me  J

There are some guys who are very good at pursuing women.  They talk to everyone and date a lot.  Unfortunately, these guys are quickly labeled as “players”.  I don’t think this is fair to them.  All of us should be players, dating a lot and getting to know everyone possible until you meet someone you want to be in an exclusive relationship with.  And don’t assume that they are only dating you until you have had a DTR (define the relationship).  Everyone should be free game until some sort of commitment happens. 

So ladies, let’s stop being the pursuers.  Stop asking the guys on dates, let them ask us!  There is nothing wrong with introducing yourself to them, but let them take the lead from there.  And if they don’t do anything, it’s ok!  We deserve to be with men who truly want to be with us!

But guys, this means you have to step up to the plate  J

Now this leads me to my other issue with dating….

Issue #2 – Girls should not be saying no to a date.

Sorry ladies, but unless you feel scared for your safety, you should never say no to a first date with someone.  I don’t care if he isn’t your type, too tall, too short, has a hump on his back, tucks his shirt into his shorts (a real reason a girl I knew said no to a date) or whatever reason you come up with.  Everyone deserves a chance. 

My real opinion is that you should go out with someone three times before deciding if you want to pursue something, but for now I’ll leave it at the one date rule.

I can’t tell you how many amazing couples I know, that when they first started going out, she wasn’t interested.  She thought he was mean, or strange, or boring etc.  But after a few dates, he kept pursuing (back to my earlier point) and then she realized this was the one guy she couldn’t live without.  But she never would have gotten to that point if she hadn’t given him a chance.

Not to mention, it takes a lot of guts to ask someone out.  I have been surprised in the last year by the feedback I have gotten from guys about my blog, and how many times I hear “you can only get turned down for a date so many times before it starts affecting your confidence”.

What’s the worst that can happen?  You get a free meal, and if it’s really bad you will have a good story to tell (which in my opinion is awesome).  And who knows, you could meet someone really special.

So guys, be MEN!  And girls, show appreciation to the guys who step up to the plate  J

Kissing... Are we saints? Or are we sluts?

Kissing:  Are we saints?  Or are we sluts?

A little background for my non-Mormon readers out there.  Mormons don’t believe in sex before marriage, so instead, some have what is called a NCMO (pronounced nick-moe) or Non Committal Make Out.  Basically a Mormon version of friends with benefits or a one night stand.

Ah, the good ol’ NCMO.  I have had my fair share in my life, but it is something I don’t do anymore.  But during the time that I did, I definitely had some interesting experiences.  I have been told by many people that when it comes to physical relationships that I think like a guy, a kind of douchie guy in fact.  I am able to disconnect from any emotional attachment if I choose to and can just have fun.  Yes, I am aware this is not a good or a normal thing, it’s one of the reasons I won’t make out anymore.  Or kiss without being in a relationship for that matter, but that’s a blog for another time. 

Whether or not you participate in a NCMO isn’t up to me.  I do know, it can be asking for trouble if you do.  One of my favorite things I ever heard from a Bishop was “back rubs in the front room lead to front rubs in the back room”.  Not saying that every make out session will lead to Levi Lovin’ or Zipper Sparking, but it certainly can, or even go further.  But there are some upsides to it as well.  You can learn a lot about yourself.  I am not one that thinks that you should wait until your wedding day before you kiss each other.  The idea of waiting all that time is just too much going 0 to 60 in about 2 seconds.  Not to mention, I would think that once most people get married, the days of long make out sessions are over.  But again, that could just be my guy brain talking.

If you choose to wait until your wedding to kiss each other, more power to you.  I just worry it will end up looking something like this…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCv3c_DWhq0

Seriously hun, next time you kiss him, try less chewing….

Back to NCMO’s.  I don’t like being lead on and I appreciate the same from others, so I tend to put things out there, which can at times result in some interesting reactions.  The last guy I made out with, I was pretty straightforward with.  Before he kissed me I stopped him and made sure we were on the same page.  I told him that he was leaving for school soon and we wouldn’t be dating.  In that case, it was fine for us to make out, but in no way did it mean we were in a relationship.  We were both free to date other people and if it caused jealousy on either side, any physical contact would be stopped asap.  Needless to say, he was more than a little surprised by my approach.  He then told me I was the coolest girl ever (aww thanks) and thanked me for being so upfront and not causing drama like most girls.  Yep, I think like a guy.  Something I’m working on changing, not to be more crazy like some girls, but more feminine.

The funny thing about me is that I don’t really care for French kissing.  Most argue that I just haven’t kissed enough guys.  Let me assure you, that is not the case.  Some also say that I just haven’t kissed the right guy.  Again I disagree.  I have had kissed some very skilled guys in the frenching department.  Who knows, maybe I am the probelm.  I have never claimed to be a good kisser, I just know what I like.  But to me, I just find it more alluring to have very little tongue involved, if any.  Just my thought, feel free to disagree with me  J

There used to be a show on VH1 called “The Pick Up Artist”.  It was a guy who used to be super nerdy, but learned how to be confident in himself (ok, sometimes he got a little outlandish for my taste) and found out the secret to meeting women.  He had an episode about how to kiss and some of the best advice was that you should go a minimum of 30 seconds into a kiss without any tongue.  He also did this move called the C, super hot.  If I can find a clip of it, I will post it on Facebook.  I thought the show was something every guy should watch anyway, it had some great tips that really do work.

What I have experienced is lots of very bad and even bizarre kisses.  Let me tell you what I mean;

The Dead Slug Tongue

I didn’t kiss anyone until I was 17.  He was driving me back from our date and while stopped at a light, he lays one on me.  He then puts his tongue in my mouth, but doesn’t move it, at all!  It literally was like a big dead slug in my mouth.  He also was a smoker (this was while I wasn’t active) and had a beer at dinner (which personally I think tastes and smells disgusting) so it tasted awful.  At this point I was still an extremely shy girl and had little experience with guys, but even I knew this is not how this should go.  Since he was older (he was 28, don’t judge me) I figured he knew what he was doing.  But after a bit, he still hadn’t moved it!  At this point I just wanted it out, so I kind of flopped my tongue around trying to push his out of my mouth, to no avail.  Thankfully the light changed and the car behind us started honking, and he finally released me from my torture.  Then he looked at me and said “mmm, that was good”.  Good??  Seriously?  All I wanted then was to get out of the car and get some Listerine.

The Lazy Kisser

I have a theory that pretty boys are bad kissers.  I have yet to be proven wrong on this.  The only time it came close was the best looking guy I have ever kissed was a great kisser.  But, until a few years earlier, he had been 100 pounds heavier.  In my opinion, this doesn’t count.  When I say pretty boys, I mean those model looking guys who have never had to try with women, they have always had them flock to them.  Because of this, they have never had to craft their skill, instead, they just assume everything they do is golden.  A lot of these guys are lazy kissers.  The ones that sit there and expect you to do all the work.  Or ask you to move your head so they can watch Sports Center.  Haha, I kid, but I wouldn’t put it past them  J

The Tongue Darter

Some guys have the technique of darting their tongue in and out of your mouth super fast.  Makes me want to slip them some Ritalin just to get them to calm the heck down.

The Lip Sucker

I’m all for a good lip nibble, even a light suck on the lower lip.  But I have had guys who suck on my lower lip so hard it feels like I have a wet vac stuck on it.  Or some even take both lips at the same time and suck on them, again giving the vacuum effect.  Where these guys learn these techniques is beyond me.

The Talker

Maybe I’m just “a little less talk and a lot more action” kind of gal, but talking while making out just doesn’t seem like a good combination.  And let me be clear, not kiss for a bit, then stop and talk, then kiss for a bit.  I mean, trying to talk WHILE kissing.  One guy would literally be kissing me, and while his mouth was open, he would ask me questions.  And nothing sexy, it was always like “did you see that new Johnny Depp movie?  I thought it was good”.  But because of what he was doing, it sounded like he was talking with a mouth full of marbles.  I had to try to figure out A) what the heck was going on, and B) try to decipher what he was saying.  I am all about multi tasking, but this is one circumstance that it wasn’t well received.

Mr. Saliva

I get it, our mouths produce saliva, but some produce more than others.  I have kissed people where after I have thought “Why is my eyelid wet?”.  Why do some feel the need to take your entire face in their mouth?  Again, not sexy people, less is more.  This leads us into one of my most bizarre kissing experiences…

He licked What????

One guy was kind of a sweet kisser.  Then he started kissing my cheek, up to my temple, and then….he licked my forehead.  Yep, really.  He stuck out his tongue and licked from one side of my forehead to the other.  At this point I had no idea what to do.  So I kissed him for another minute, made some excuse about getting up early the next day and pushed him out the door.  The really crazy thing was, a few weeks later, I saw the exact same thing happen on a Sex and the City repeat.  My only guess is he saw that one part and assumed it was something girls liked, but changed the channel before he saw them talking about how bizarre and gross it was.

Tongue in the Ear

My all time biggest complaint about kissing is when a guy puts his tongue in your ear.  And not a light playing with your earlobe.  Nope, I mean trying to jam his tongue into the opening in your ear.  I am not sure why you are attempting to lick my eardrum, but you are going to need to stop before I punch you in the throat.  The worst part is the noise.  All you hear is what can best be described as slurping noises coming thru a blow horn.  And this has not been an isolated incident, it has happened with multiple people!  Is there honestly some girl out there who likes this, and tells guys they should do it?  Please guys, cease and desist. 

Yep, those are just a few of the interesting experiences I have had.  At least I can say my life is rarely boring.  Right now, I will just stick with my no kissing rule and try to find a good guy  J

The Great Toilet Seat Debate

The Great Toilet Seat Debate

In all of the many differences between the sexes, there is one argument I have never understood: women insisting that men put the toilet seat down.

I was at a party once when a girl rushed out of the bathroom, screeching like a banshee, insisting to know which guy had the nerve to use the bathroom and leave the toilet set up.  This made me think two things:

1.        Is it really that difficult to put the toilet seat down on your own?

2.       It’s a good thing you are hot, because you are freaking crazy

 

I’m not exactly a bra burning feminist, well in fact I would never burn my bra (this puppy keeps the girls looking good) but it kind of makes my eye twitch to hear women act like if this isn’t done he will be an outcast and deemed disgusting to society.  Most of you are probably shaking your heads thinking “well you must never have lived with men”.  Actually I grew up with 2 older brothers and half the time was at my dads house so I know the joy that is sharing a bathroom with boys. 

The most common argument I hear is that women will fall in if they leave it up.  Really?  Is it really that difficult for you to take 1/8 of a second and glance at the toilet before you sit down?  Do you routinely expose your naked hiney to whatever just happens to be there? 

Some say men should lower the seat because it’s polite.  Well if that is the case, wouldn’t it be just as polite for us to lift the toilet seat up when we are done?  The only time I can see this being something men should do, is if she has just had a baby.  New mothers (and fathers too really) get so tired and become like walking zombies.  Once my sister peed on a book of mine because she was so tired.  Let me explain.  They had a counter behind the toilet and she kept books and magazines there (our family is all bathroom readers).  One night she went to the bathroom without turning on the light, and also not realizing that a book (that she had borrowed from me) had fallen in the toilet, subsequently getting peed on.  She didn't even realize what had happened until the morning.  The poor thing was so exhausted, I didn't even mind (not that I kept it or anything, of course I threw it away).

Now don’t misunderstand me.  I’m not saying that men are the victims.  Boys have very different bathroom habits than women.  My sister has four boys and watching them be potty trained was a unique experience.  There were times I would go in the bathroom and think “how on earth did they get pee on the ceiling??”.  They are like little fire hoses and sometimes I am just grateful it makes it in the toilet at all.  I know a woman who got so sick of the mess that she makes her boys, including her husband, sit down to pee.  Maybe a little too emasculating for my taste, but I can see where she’s coming from.

I just beg, can we all stop putting the fuzzy lid covers on the toilets?  Why people think that attempting to disguise your toilet as a muppet makes it any more appealing is beyond me. 

So who wins?  Men?  Women?  Well in my opinion, neither.  I personally hate the way a toilet looks when the lid is up, so what if everyone just puts the lid down?  That way it isn’t just one persons responsibility, we all get to share in the love  J

Nipples, Speedos and other oddities…

Nipples, Speedos and other oddities…

Yep, you read the title correctly.  It’s my blog and I’ll type what I want  J   As always, a disclaimer.  My thoughts are meant to be humorous and hopefully informative, not hurtful. 

I recently came back from a week long cruise to the Caribbean, and I encountered my fair share of these things.  I had a political science teacher at BYU that I think put it best when he told us “Only 2 percent of the population looks good naked.  This percentage is never the ones who get undressed in public”.

In most daily situations, people spend painstaking amounts of time to make sure their outfits look just right, questioning from every angle does this make me look fat?”.  On vacation though, I have found all of this work goes out the window.  Maybe it’s because they just want to relax.  Maybe it’s because they know the chances of them ever seeing anyone from the trip again is slim to none.  Either way, I’m a little concerned with some of the things I have witnessed. 

I am in no way a fashion guru who spends my time pouring over magazines for the newest look.  The majority of my wardrobe comes from Ross and Old Navy.  I think I own 10 pairs of shoes and can’t even imagine spending more than $30 on a handbag.  Brand labels mean nothing to me.  But there are a few basic rules I try to live by when it comes to how I dress;

1.        If your stomach sticks out more than your boobs, you should not be allowed to wear a tight shirt.

2.       Low rise jeans are a privilege, not a right.  If I have to walk behind you and stare at your jiggling muffin top bulging above your jeans, I’m not going to be happy.

3.       Just because it comes in your size, doesn’t mean you should wear it.

4.       ALWAYS wear a good bra.  I can’t stress this enough.  If you look like you can tuck your boobs into your pants, I will drag you into a store and buy a good bra for you.

5.       Modest is hottest.  If you have to ask “is this too short/tight/low cut” it probably is.

So back to the vacation wear.  I am aware that other countries have a very different take on what to wear to the beach, but some things I still can’t get past.

Speedos –

You could always pick out the Europeans on our cruise because the men were always in speedos.  The interesting thing was these men always looked like they were about 9 months pregnant, what a hot combination.  Add a little back hair into the ensemble and how is a girl to resist???  There a guy with us when we swam with the stingrays that wore a zebra stripe speedo.  Not my favorite, but at least he had some flare.

Some people have argued with me that if a guy has a great body, he can look good in a Speedo.  I beg to differ.  There were two guys on our cruise with amazing bodies, but even they couldn’t convince me that speedos were acceptable pool attire.  The problem is, I would admire these men (aka drool over them) starting with some awesome shoulders, look at those arms, rock hard pecks, a six pack, an incredible V and then “Whoa, what the crap??  Avert your eyes!!”.  Just a little too much information if you catch my drift….

Thongs –

Again, this seems to be a very European thing.  But like my teacher said, the people who look good in those things, aren’t the ones that wear them.  I think the worst I saw was a woman who probably weighed 400 pounds, wearing a thong bikini.  Men in thongs aren’t so great either.   Some things you just can’t unsee. 

Again, let me remind you as someone who recently lost 120 pounds, I am not saying if you are overweight, that you should be shunned to the indoors or constantly covered in a moomoo, far from it.  Every body has flaws.  But you should still take the time to find things that flatter your body type.  Swimming requires a bathing suit.  But there if a difference between seeing a thigh, and seeing giant butt cheeks with some dental floss.

The Wedgie –

Yep, we all get them, there is no avoiding it.  It’s how you get rid of them that some people need to work on.  Once sitting in a lounge chair enjoying the sun, I turn to my left and not 2 feet from my face is a butt and a hand, just going to town.  I swear he worked on his issue for a full minute.  I’m not sure what all was stuck there, but apparently it was glued and took some work.  I didn’t realize that show was part of my on board entertainment.

Bikinis –

First off, I am not a fan of bikinis, on anyone.  Even if I had a rocking body, I wouldn’t wear one.  It’s back to my modest is hottest, for the strength of youth thought process, but that’s a rant for another time.  Most that I saw wearing them didn’t have the body for them, but there were a few I saw that did.  Super cute, great bodies, flirting it up for the men.  Then I overheard a guy ask them how old they were.  FOURTEEN.  Yep 14 years old, freshman in high school.  Little Lolita’s.  I fear for my children.  They will be lucky if I don’t make them wear those dresses the polygamists down in Arizona wear.

One day we were in the ocean, and a woman about 50 years old is floating past me on her back.  Just as I glance down at her, her boob pops out of her bikini top.  Why hello there boob, think you could maybe go back under cover so I can enjoy the water without fear of witnessing another nip slip?  The kicker was, she glances down, notices it, and does nothing.  Just keeps on a swimming.  Not sure that I’m the target audience she was hoping to witness her little show though.

Another thing I noticed, people (ok, mostly men) don’t seem to cut their toenails very often.  You would think that taking a vacation where you will be in sandals the majority of the time might make you want to do a quick trim.  Some people had them so long, I am convinced they use them to climb trees and ward of predators.   Or they were so jagged I wouldn’t be surprised if they used a steak knife to cut them.

So needless to say, I met a lot of interesting and unique people on my trip.  But the one thing I learned is that none of us are perfect.  We should all love ourselves for exactly who we are and what we look like.  Maybe just with a little more clothing on  J