Monday, July 11, 2016

My Date With The Polygamist

I want to keep the worst date for last, and it took me a long time to decide which was worse, this or the "Drunken Pirate" date.  Ultimately the pirate story was deemed the worst, but not by much, and you will see it in a future post.

Now I bring you, "My Date With The Polygamist".  And strangely enough, the polygamist portion was not the weirdest part of the date...

And in my defense, even my roommate, who was a lesbian, had a boyfriend.  I was a little desperate ;)

About 10 years ago, I decided to try online dating on an LDS website.  At a time when online dating still had a huge stigma attached to it, and there not being a huge amount of single Mormons in Colorado, pickings were a little slim.  I received a message from, we will call him Jacob, and eventually we exchanged numbers.  One night I came home to a voicemail from him, so I called him back.

A woman answered the phone.  Odd, but ok.  When he came on the line, we chatted for a bit and I finally asked who had answered the phone.  He explained that it was his mother, and that after his divorce, times were tough so he moved in with his mom.  Understandable, people need to be able to get back on their feet.  I asked how long he had been divorced and he replied "8 years".  Had he been living there that whole time?  Yes indeed.  Eight.  Years.

Next he asked me what my dream first date would be.  I told him an evening at Dave & Busters (just an FYI, this is an awesome first date.  Even if there doesn't end up being a romantic spark, you can still have a blast playing arcade games).  He said it was a little expensive for him and he wasn't sure he could make that work.  I completely understood.  It is easy to spend $75 on a date there.  No big deal.

So I suggested we meet at Cold Stone where we could just get some ice cream and chat.

He paused, and then said "Well, I guess I could ask to borrow some money from my mom".

Let that sink in for a minute.  Yes, this man was telling me that he couldn't afford to take me out for $5 ice cream.  I am fully aware that I should have turned and ran, but I pressed on.  I'm a trooper that way.

I suggested we find something else more "budget friendly" to do, but he said he would find a way to make it work.  

We made plans to meet at the store close to my house the following evening.  It was a nice summer night and I sat outside waiting for him to get there.  Eventually an old beater car pulls into the parking lot, you know the kind that the engine makes loud knocking noises and the doors are different colors because they are spray painted with primer, and out comes my date.  

My rule has always been that he has to at least have a car, it didn't matter what kind it was.  My attempt at not being superficial was coming back to bite me in the a...

He walks up and introduces himself and shakes my hand.  He then invites me to sit at a little table outside so we could chat.  As soon as we sit down, he exclaims "I totally forgot!  I need you to choose which one you like best!".  From his back pockets he pulls out two full bottles of cologne, Drakkar Noir and another one I can't remember.  He hands them to me and insists I smell them so I can tell which one I prefer him to wear on my date.  I wasn't sure what to do, so I chose Drakkar and hoped to move on.  

Time for more small talk, my favorite.  I ask him what he does for a living, and he replies "I help families save a lot of money".

Ummm, ok.

I ask him to elaborate.  He says "Families really appreciate how I help them save money".

What is this guy, the Riddler?

No really, what do you do for a living.

"I work at Walmart".

Ok, that's fine.  Lots of people work at Walmart.  What does he do there?

He works nights stocking shelves.

Ok, not so great, but we all do what we have to do to get by,

How long has he worked there?

8 year.  Eight.  Years.  In the same position.

Ok, let's give him the benefit of the doubt.  Walmart has a great management program and maybe he is going to take advantage of it.

Nope, he plans to stay in his current position with no plans of changing.  He doesn't want to move up because he doesn't want that kind of responsibility.  Awesome.  What woman wouldn't be charmed by a complete lack of ambition?

In an attempt to move along this incredible date, I suggest we go in to order some ice cream.  "Oh wait!" he exclaims, "I brought you something to look at".  He runs back to his car and comes back with a 4 inch thick 3 ring binder.  Confused, I open it to the first page with the title "Memories of Jacob".  I'm confused, looking up at him with a puzzled look on my face.  "It's a book my mom put together with memories of me as a little boy.  I thought you would like to read it."

This book is well over 100 pages.  I casually flip through the pages, trying to fake interest.  The only thing I can remember is one excerpt that said "Jacob is now 8 years old and has still never tasted sugar.  We couldn't be more proud".  Yes, really.

I close the book and say thank you and that it was so interesting.  He looks disappointed, "Don't you want to read more of it?".  I spend the next five minutes flipping through pages, trying to look like I was truly interested, while he sat and watched me.  After I feel I have put enough effort into this, I close the book and say thank you.  He finally agrees to head in and get some ice cream.

We stand there looking at the menu and I ask what he is going to order.  "Nothing" he says, "I only brought enough money for one".  Fantastic.  I debate not getting anything, but decide I deserve it at this point.  We head back outside for some more awkward conversation.  I've never eaten ice cream so fast.  I'm amazed I don't still have brain freeze.

I try to make my escape, but no.  He suggests we do something else, the night is young.  What does he have in mind?  Of course he doesn't have any ideas.  After a few moments of silence, he asks if I like to play pool.  Sure, why not.  I know of a bar a little ways away that has some pool tables so we head over there.  It took all of my willpower to not take off and head home, but I'm not that kind of person.  Nope, I'm the kind of person who ignores every red flag possible and gives people the benefit of the doubt for absolutely no reason.  I'm just that amazing.

We get to the bar and walk over to a pool table.  It costs a dollar to play, and you guessed it, he didn't have any money.  No worries, I got this.  I would love to pay for and play a game of pool.  I am not too proud to admit that when he wasn't looking I pushed any of the balls in the pockets just to end the game sooner.

Finally, the game is over.  I can run from this date.  Not so fast!  He is having an amazing time!  Let's go somewhere and talk, he suggests.  Don't worry, I am far too nice to say no.  Let's head to a nearby park and walk around.  There is nothing I would love better than to be in a poorly lit place with you right now.

Ok, one lap around the park and I can officially say goodnight.  I start asking him about his divorce and if he gets to see his daughter.

"Yes I do.  It's really nice that my ex and I have such a good relationship because I really want her to be one of my wives one day".

My eyes get wide.  I must have misheard him.  There is no way this guy is talking about his hopes to marry multiple women.  Let's move on, I must be going crazy.  Small talk about work, family, and then back to his daughter, and then his ex.

"I really hope my ex gets her act together one day because I really want her to be one of my wives".

That's it.  I'm out.  I'm glad it was dark and he couldn't see the look on my face.  I speed walk back to my car and say goodnight.

Looking back, I wish I had asked for more clarification.  Did he mean multiple wives in this life or the next?  Was he hoping to lure in multiple women with his sexy cologne and scrapbooks?  The world will never know....