Monday, September 26, 2011

Yep, I’m a Mormon. No, were not as weird as you think…. Ok, some of us are, but not all….

Yep, I’m a Mormon.  No, were not as weird as you think….  Ok, some of us are, but not all….
Hi.  I’m Barbie.  And I’m a Mormon.  As the church begins the next step of its ad campaign to encourage people to ask questions about the church and learn for themselves, I have done a lot of thinking about what it means to me to be a Mormon.  I think there are a lot of misconceptions out there, so I figured I would give my take on it.  As always, my opinion is meant to be humorous and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.  Remember, angels can fly because they take themselves lightly  J

No, I’m not a polygamist.  Mormons haven’t practiced polygamy in over 100 years.  Yes we did practice it for a time.  People ask why.  I do not know the exact reasons, but I do think it was necessary at the time.  The way I look at it, it was during a time when so many people were crossing the plains to get to Utah.  Many people died, leaving so many widows with no one to take care of them.  Polygamy gave those women a spouse.  Is this the doctrinal reason for it?  No, but it’s the way I look at it. 
Does the fact that we used to practice polygamy bother me?  No.  I think having multiple wives would be a great trial.  I don’t think I could ever be apart of that unless my husband wanted to marry more women who really liked to cook and clean and have babies, that way I didn’t have to, haha  J
There are still people who practice polygamy, but they are not members of the Mormon church.  They are people who have broken off from the main religion.  Anyone in the Mormon church who practices polygamy is excommunicated.  It’s as simple as that. 

No, I’m not a die hard republican.  I’m not even a registered Republican for that matter.  Personally, politics bother me.  I don’t get the whole left wing, right wing thing.  I know some republicans that believe abortion should be kept legal.  I know some democrats who don’t believe in legalizing gay marriage.  It’s not cut and dry the way people think it is.  Personally, I vote for who I think is the best candidate.  No, I will not get into a discussion with you about it.  I would rather shove splinters under my fingernails than fight with people about politics.

No, I don’t hate gay people.  I actually quite like gay people, especially gay guys.  They are freaking hilarious.  My personal though is, unless you are trying to sleep with me (which so isn’t gonna happen) then I don’t particularly care who you’re sleeping with.

No, I’m not going to shove my religion down your throat.  I don’t tend to talk about my religion a lot outside of church.  I don’t ever want to alienate anyone.  I know some people feel our missionaries can be pushy.  I can understand that.  I know it must be annoying to get a knock on your door and have two young guys (or girls) want to talk to you about religion.  All I ask is that you are nice to these missionaries.  These people have put their lives on hold for two years, moved away from their family, and are dedicating that time to nothing but service.  If they knock on your door and you don’t want to hear it, just say no thank you and wish them a good day. 

Yes, we believe in the Bible.  Most Mormons have a set of scriptures called “A Quad”.  In this quad are the scriptures we study, which are; The Bible (King James version, both Old and New Testament), The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants and The Pearl of Great Price.  We absolutely believe in the Bible.  The Book of Mormon does not replace the Bible, if anything, it confirms the Bible’s teachings.

Yes, I am a Christian.   This one still boggles my mind.  I am so confused as to why so many people think that Mormons are not Christians.  We believe in the Bible.  We follow the teachings of Christ from the New Testament and the Book of Mormon.  I would think this is the basic definition of being a Christian.  Some people say it is because we do not use crosses.  It’s true, you will not see a Mormon church with a cross on top, or anywhere inside.  We also do not wear them as jewelry.  The reason for this (as I’ve heard it explained before) is because we do not focus on the way Christ was killed, we focus on the atonement and the reason he died.

No, I’m not going to show you my underwear.  It’s true, I’ve had people request to see my “crazy Mormon underwear”.  Granted they were drunk when they asked me, but I digress.  I’m not sure when it became socially acceptable to talk so openly (or ask to see) what people wear under their clothes.  I have no desire to know if the man next to me on the light rail is wearing a blue sequined thong speedo, so I would hope you would give me the same privacy.

Yes, I believe the Book of Mormon is true and that Joseph Smith was a prophet.  I have prayed about it and got my answer.  It’s as basic as that.  No burning bush or angels coming to talk to me.  I just know it’s true.

No one makes me do anything.  I always find it amusing when people say to me “Oh you can’t do that, you’re Mormon”.  The exact opposite is true in face.  I can do anything I damn well please.  If I decided to go to a bar one day and get hammered wearing a bikini and smoking pot, I could.  No one is going to stop me.  The point is, I choose not to.  I have been thru a lot in my life, and I have done some really dumbass things.  But now I’m at a point where I have learned that the “rules” of the church are there to help us, not hinder us.  And I am thankful every day for that.

You don’t have to believe what I believe.  Random thought;  I can’t stand the Howard Stern Show.  I also can’t stand the Rush Limbaugh show.  For two people with such different opinions, you might be surprised to know that I dislike them both for the exact same reason.  I find them both offensive and annoying.  They both try to shove their opinions down your throat with no respect or class.  The mere sound of their voices is enough to make my eye twitch and I’m over come with the desire to rip the stereo out of my car with my bare hands and throw it thru the window.  Because I feel this way, do I protest their shows?  Do I write them hate mail?  Do I insist they are taken off the air?  No.  I simply change the channel if they come on and I don’t listen.
I have met a lot of people and have seen a lot of things on TV with people that hate the Mormons.  People spend mass amounts of their time making anti websites, passing out literature, protesting outside of our meetings and bad mouthing us to anyone who will listen.  This is frustrating and sad to me.  I wish more people would instead of trying to tear others down, looked past our differences and figured out what we have in common.

So there you have it, some random thoughts on what we Mormons believe.  I encourage everyone to visit and take a look at what they have going on there, it’s pretty incredible.  Or you can always ask me questions if you want  J

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Follow Up - The Hot Girl

I had some interesting feedback about my girl labeled "The Hot Girl".  Some people feel I was too hard on her and not very understanding of the situation she might be going thru.  Please keep in mind, my opinion is meant to be comical, not offensive.

I actually had a second part I had originally added to the Hot Girl description, that I decided to edit out last minute because I didn't think it flowed with the piece.  I have included it below.  Enjoy!

Ladies, I have found a secret to making friends with these girls.  Compliment them.  It sounds too easy, and that’s because it is.  I used to suffer from horrible social anxiety, and the thought of talking to people I didn’t know was enough to cause a panic attack.  My slow journey into becoming the overly enthusiastic and outgoing person I am now, was met with many roadblocks by the hot girl.  As soon as I would see them, I would sit in the back and start to be bitter and sad because I wasn’t getting the attention they were.  Why are men so shallow I would think?  So one day I saw one of these incredibly intimidating girls before relief society who was wearing some amazing shoes.  So I decided to go up to her (most of the time if they are not surrounded by guys, they are sitting alone) and just say “wow, those shoes are great!”.  Guess what happened? She looked incredibly surprised, smiled at me, said thank you so much, complimented me back and even asked me to sit with her!  Turns out, those girls tend to be sad because other women never reach out to them. 
Ladies, a challenge for you.  This Sunday, pick the one girl in the ward you are intimidated by or the guys are always surrounding.  Compliment her on something and let me know what happens.
Now this will not always turn out so well.  I have had a few times where I have tried this, and the chick was a jerk.  Or I have befriended these girls and they tend to make comments while we’re hanging out like “It’s so frustrating, I have had four dates already this week and don’t have any time to myself” or “My size 2 jeans are getting tight, I’m such a fatty”.  Hot girls, think before you speak, or I may have to punch you in the throat  J

Monday, September 12, 2011

Dating - Yep, girls are crazy too....

Dating – The Rebuttle.  Don’t worry, girls are crazy too….

**Barbie Note – Yes, I am basing these types off of people that I know or have observed over the years.  If you start freaking out thinking I am talking about you, please remember, I know a lot of people.  I’m also  31, I could be talking about someone I knew 15 years ago.  I am not singling anyone out.  And who knows, maybe I’m referring to myself on each of them.  This post is meant to be funny and maybe an eye opener, but not to point fingers.**

I got some pretty interesting feedback on my last post about dating, and thankfully it wasn’t as much “you suck, leave the guys alone” mail that I was expecting.  The men definitely had a lot to say on the subject which is what compelled me to write a follow up on the piece. 
Dating is hard.  Relationships are really hard.  And sorry ladies, but we really don’t make it much easier on the guys.  Let’s go over some of the types of girls there are out there.

“The Hottie”
Ah, the infamous hottie.  Every ward has at least one of them.  That girl that walks into the room and every guys head turns.  Yep, she’s super pretty.  She also has a 9 out of 10 chance of being completely crazy too.  Most hotties will tell you they have mostly male friends because women don’t get along with them.  This can be very true.  Women are born with a “catty” portion of their brain and it takes a lot of time and skill to keep it off or at the very least set to low.  This kind of woman, cause this portion of our brain to flare up and we tend to instantly dislike them.  A note to the ladies, men hate this catty side of us.  Learn to keep it on low, or “off” if you can!
In the past I have had several hot girl friends.  Sometimes it’s good.  But a lot of times, these girls tend to make comments while we’re hanging out like “It’s so frustrating, I have had four dates already this week and don’t have any time to myself” or “My size 2 jeans are getting tight, I’m such a fatty”.  Hot girls, think before you speak, or I may have to punch you in the throat  J

 “The Wallflower”
Guess what ladies, if a guy doesn’t know you exist, he will never ask  you out.  I remember a few years ago Dr. Phil was talking with women who were frustrated being single.  He asked them, where do you go to meet people?  And most said, well I got to work and then normally come home.  His response was something like “So pretty much, unless a guy throws himself on your car while you are driving, he has no way of meeting you”.  Put yourselves out there!  Go to church, and stay for all three hours.  Go to every activity you can.  Make your presence known! Don’t get me wrong, this does not mean you should put on a show every time he is around, but it’s ok for you to put yourself out there. 
From an email from a guy friend of mine;  “Being proactive and saying ‘hello’ is allowed in the Mormon Dating Manual.  It is the guys responsibility to ask you out, not do everything from first visual contact through carrying you to the alter.”  I loved how he put that. 
Ladies, it’s ok to say hello, ask for their name, etc.  Or if you are too shy to approach him, at least SMILE!  It’s one of the main things they are attracted to.  A smile accompanied by a few seconds of eye contact from across the room, could just be what the guy needs to feel compelled to come talk to you.

“The Leg Humper”
Let me explain this one.  Most people who know me have heard me refer to what I call “Humping My Leg Syndrome”.  This is when I have met a guy who is way too into me.  He is way too excited to see me.  Way too touchy feely.  Texts or calls me way too much.  Way too everything.  In essence, it’s like he’s humping my leg.  I have seen several girls do this to guys as well.  They make a show of trying to get a guys attention to the point where it is embarrassing to everyone around them.  Ladies, back off, let them chase you.  If they are interested, they will ask you out.  And if not, save yourself the embarrassment. 

“The Chameleon”
I have known too many girls who will alter their interests, style of dress, even their personality for a guy they are interested in.  Like if she finds out he likes to hunt, and makes a dress out of camouflage for church the next week.  Ok, so that’s an exaggeration, but it wouldn’t surprise me if that really happened.
Pretending to be their “perfect girl” may work for a while (if it doesn’t come off as creepy as stalkerish, which it very easily can), but what if the relationship gets more serious and you finally have to tell him one day, you don’t really love going to monster truck rallies every weekend, or that you really get frustrated in rush hour traffic and swear like a sailor, but could never let him see that because he only likes quite, timid girls?
Be yourself!  People do not need to have the exact same hobbies to make a relationship work.  If he really loves watching UFC and invites you to come along, try it out once.  But if wasn’t your cup of tea, it’s ok to tell him you didn’t care for it.  Most guys will appreciate that you were willing to try it out once, but that you were honest enough to admit it wasn’t for you.

The “I’m Only Attracted to Douche Bags” Girl
We are all guilty of this one.  How many times have we said we just want a nice guy, but when we get one, we drop him the first second the bad boy on a motorcycle comes along?  Most of the time, bad boys get that reputation for a reason.  I’m not sure if we have all seen too many movies and think we really could get that hot bad boy to settle down for us and we will have a happy wonderful life together with him being a changed man.  Ladies, this rarely happens in real life.  
Unfortunately, it tends to take years of us getting our hearts broken by the bad boy, before we realize he isn’t what we want at all.  Be patient with us guys, we all figure it out eventually.
Defending the “Nice Guy”.  Here is the problem I have found with your typical nice guy.  They let people walk all over them.  But once they get some self confidence and aren’t afraid to stick up for themselves, this is the kind of guy every girl should be praying for.  The guy who does the right thing.  The guy who works hard.  Another quote from my friends email “good guys may not be ‘sexy’ or initially ‘compelling’, but we’re worth your time long term”.  Yes they are!!

“The Intimidator”
I have a friend who time and time again guys have labeled as intimidating.  She is educated, owns her own business, owns a home, is self confident and is strong in the gospel.  What shocks me is that when guys in the church see this combination, they says “she’s intimidating” and don’t even consider asking her out.  The part I don’t understand is how in the church, this kind of girls seems to make men run for the hills.  But outside the church, it seems to be what most men want. 
There is a whole generation of women who all realized that getting married at 22 isn’t going to happen and they better learn to take care of themselves.  Because we have done this for so long, it is really really hard for us to ask for help.  But the ironic thing is, most of us want more than anything to find a man willing to shoulder the responsibility with us!  A man that sees when we are struggling and comes to help, no matter how hard we protest.  Yes, we are Wonder Women and attempt to do it all, but we need a Superman who will support us in the way we need.
What is a girl to do??  Men, I would love some feedback on this…

“The Cooking Slut”
A term from good old BYU (which I went to for one whole semester J).  These were the girls who used their cooking skills to lure boys to their apartments for a free meal, hoping that this demonstration of domestic bliss will trigger then men to think “She can cook!  And she’s cute!  And check out those birthing hips!  Let’s pop out some babies!”.  These are also the girls Elder Oaks was speaking to when he told us to stop giving the boys free meals  J

“The Mean Girl”
Remember how I mentioned above how men hate it when we are catty.  This is worth repeating.  Ladies, men hate when we are catty and sit around bad mouthing other girls!  They find it boring and a waste of time.  Plus it makes it harder for them to hear Sports Center when you keep babbling  J
Everyone knows a mean girl.  It’s that girl who clings to her guy friends, hoping one day their affections will be returned.  But when he finds another girl attractive, the mean girl swoops in telling him any bad thing she can think of to try and dissuade him.  To all the mean girls out there, stop it.  Guys hate when you do that, and they don’t listen to you anyway.  Unless the girl is cheating on him, or will cause him physical harm, butt out.  He doesn’t want to hear that she didn’t invite you to some dinner four years ago, or that you think she gave you a dirty look once.  Try Thumpers motto, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”.

“The Cynic”
This is pretty much the same as the guys “I’m angry and bitter so no one wants to date me, so I’m even more angry and bitter”.  They have had their hearts broken.  They have been passed over by countless guys.  And this has made them made at the world, especially men.  Remember that whole vinegar and honey metaphor?  This applies to you ladies.  The right guy will not pass you by.  But you have to be open to the chance.  I saw a toothpaste commercial the other day that had a tagline I loved, “Life opens up when you do”.  Maybe we should all try it.

Ladies, some advice I have gotten about dating from guys;
·         It’s ok to say hi, let them know who you are
·         Guys can be pretty insecure about asking someone out.  They are expected to get rejected multiple times, then be proactive and do it all over again.  Let’s cut them some slack.
·         Give them a smile, let them know you might be interested
·         Give the nice guys a chance
·         Good looking guys get away with a lot more crap than normal guys, just like girls.
·         Beating down on men and putting all the blame on them isn’t attractive.  Why would they want to sign up for that?
·         They don’t like the crazy girls all that much either.  Since they do get the most attention, they also create stereotypes that sink into most guys minds.
·         Just say no.  Men are more scarred emotionally by the girls that beat around the bush or ignore them.  If you say “You’re a good guy, I’m just not interested”, it shows respect for them and lets them walk away without crushing their self esteem.
·         Stop falling for the guy players.  They can only be players if you play along.
·         Being a player isn’t gender restrictive. 
·         It drives guys crazy that we fall for the hot bad boy, just like we can’t stand that only the models get asked out.  It goes both ways.

Yep, girls are frustrating.  We’ll try to work on it.  But there’s just something about us that keeps you guys coming back  ;)