Monday, October 10, 2016

Mr. Cantstoptalking

Ah Tinder.  I have quite the love/hate relationship with this app.  Yes, a lot of people use it for a quick hook up, but in Utah, a majority of people use it for actual dating.  You would be surprised at the number of brides that come into my store who met their fiances on Tinder.  I have actually met some really great guys here.

The best part of Tinder is it's fast and free.  Want a date that week?  Tinder is the way to go.  Want 5 dates that week?  As long as your standards aren't too high, Tinder is your best friend.

But of course there are some weird people on Tinder, and of course they all want to talk to me....

So just to give you a little background, here is my Tinder profile.

I know, how could you resist swiping right???  But honestly, I don't think my profile has anything in it that would send the message "I love weird guys!!".  

Last week I swiped right on this guys profile.  Meet Quantrell.  Or as I like to call him, Mr. Cantstoptalking.

He looks handsome, educated and uses punctuation.  No red flags yet.

We begin messaging each other, still no red flags.  He asks me out for later that week and I agree and give him my number.  This was on Monday.

Flash forward to Wednesday morning.  My sister is in town visiting me and we are both dead asleep.

Its 7am.  Let me repeat, it's 7 o'clock in the freaking morning.  

My phone rings and I stumble to find it.  I don't recognize the number, but I answer.

*Let me preface this by saying that I have a ring-back tone on my phone that plays the song "Barbie Girl".  Yes I know it's cheesy and that no one has them any more, but I find it very entertaining when people get the song stuck in their heads.  Plus I forget it plays that.  Anyway....

I groggily answer the phone, and am greeted by this;

Hahaha oh man oh man that is hilarious oh man it was all like I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world haha oh sh** I know I am supposed to be all professional and sh** but haha I can't believe it was all like I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world oh man if only my boys could see me now I'm all dancing around to I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world you know what song was my jam you know which one it was I'm blue da ba dee da bu dah da bu dee da bu dah oh man that was my jam I wish my boys could see me now hahaha we could be together and you would be all I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world and I would be all I'm blue da ba dee da bu dah da bu dee da bu dah oh man that was my jam hahaha

Notice how I didn't use any punctuation?  That's because he talked non stop for a full two minutes without taking a break.  At the time, I literally had no idea who this was.  So once he finally stops talking, I say "I am so sorry, I have no idea who this is".  This starts a whole nother rant;

Oh you dont oh you dont know who I am well lets take a look at your profile huh yea lets look at your profile so your profile says and I quote and I quote I am the coolest person you will ever meet and I'm really humble so let's look at the definition of humble ok ok so humble means having or showing a modest or low estimate of one's own importance so why don't you think about that yea think about that and get your sh** together k yea get your sh** together and I will talk to you soon ok ok

And he hangs up.

So there I am, mouth hanging open, trying to figure out who the crap that was and if I was dreaming.  That couldn't have really just happened, could it?

Yep, it happened.

I spend the next 20 minutes going through my phone trying to figure out who this is.  I scour through my matches on Tinder, but he doesn't look like anyone.  And none of the phone numbers I have exchanged matched his.  

I text him again letting him know I have no idea who this is still, and he replies "Me".  Oh yes, that's helpful.  

A few minutes later, I get a picture of him with his dog.  I have no idea who this guy is.  My best guess is it's this Quantrell guy, but honestly they don't look much alike.

And then the video comes.  Brace for it.

Did everyone have the same reaction I did?  Which would be "What the ????"

I have no idea what he was hoping to get from sending that video.  Did he think that I would be more impressed by him telling me which celebrities he wants to sleep with, or his dance skills, or by his outfit where he "reps" a place he no longer lives, or by his comatose dog in the background?  Can you imagine the kind of crap that dog witnesses on a daily basis?

I never replied to him after that, but he tried to reach out to me a few times.  I don't believe in ghosting people, but in this case, I thought it was best that I just disappear.

Until we meet again Tinder, until we meet again......