Monday, November 21, 2011

Nipples, Speedos and other oddities…

Nipples, Speedos and other oddities…

Yep, you read the title correctly.  It’s my blog and I’ll type what I want  J   As always, a disclaimer.  My thoughts are meant to be humorous and hopefully informative, not hurtful. 

I recently came back from a week long cruise to the Caribbean, and I encountered my fair share of these things.  I had a political science teacher at BYU that I think put it best when he told us “Only 2 percent of the population looks good naked.  This percentage is never the ones who get undressed in public”.
In most daily situations, people spend painstaking amounts of time to make sure their outfits look just right, questioning from every angle does this make me look fat?”.  On vacation though, I have found all of this work goes out the window.  Maybe it’s because they just want to relax.  Maybe it’s because they know the chances of them ever seeing anyone from the trip again is slim to none.  Either way, I’m a little concerned with some of the things I have witnessed. 
I am in no way a fashion guru who spends my time pouring over magazines for the newest look.  The majority of my wardrobe comes from Ross and Old Navy.  I think I own 10 pairs of shoes and can’t even imagine spending more than $30 on a handbag.  Brand labels mean nothing to me.  But there are a few basic rules I try to live by when it comes to how I dress;
1.        If your stomach sticks out more than your boobs, you should not be allowed to wear a tight shirt.
2.       Low rise jeans are a privilege, not a right.  If I have to walk behind you and stare at your jiggling muffin top bulging above your jeans, I’m not going to be happy.
3.       Just because it comes in your size, doesn’t mean you should wear it.
4.       ALWAYS wear a good bra.  I can’t stress this enough.  If you look like you can tuck your boobs into your pants, I will drag you into a store and buy a good bra for you.
5.       Modest is hottest.  If you have to ask “is this too short/tight/low cut” it probably is.
So back to the vacation wear.  I am aware that other countries have a very different take on what to wear to the beach, but some things I still can’t get past.
Speedos –
You could always pick out the Europeans on our cruise because the men were always in speedos.  The interesting thing was these men always looked like they were about 9 months pregnant, what a hot combination.  Add a little back hair into the ensemble and how is a girl to resist???  There a guy with us when we swam with the stingrays that wore a zebra stripe speedo.  Not my favorite, but at least he had some flare.
Some people have argued with me that if a guy has a great body, he can look good in a Speedo.  I beg to differ.  There were two guys on our cruise with amazing bodies, but even they couldn’t convince me that speedos were acceptable pool attire.  The problem is, I would admire these men (aka drool over them) starting with some awesome shoulders, look at those arms, rock hard pecks, a six pack, an incredible V and then “Whoa, what the crap??  Avert your eyes!!”.  Just a little too much information if you catch my drift….

Thongs –
Again, this seems to be a very European thing.  But like my teacher said, the people who look good in those things, aren’t the ones that wear them.  I think the worst I saw was a woman who probably weighed 400 pounds, wearing a thong bikini.  Men in thongs aren’t so great either.   Some things you just can’t unsee. 
Again, let me remind you as someone who recently lost 120 pounds, I am not saying if you are overweight, that you should be shunned to the indoors or constantly covered in a moomoo, far from it.  Every body has flaws.  But you should still take the time to find things that flatter your body type.  Swimming requires a bathing suit.  But there if a difference between seeing a thigh, and seeing giant butt cheeks with some dental floss.
The Wedgie –
Yep, we all get them, there is no avoiding it.  It’s how you get rid of them that some people need to work on.  Once sitting in a lounge chair enjoying the sun, I turn to my left and not 2 feet from my face is a butt and a hand, just going to town.  I swear he worked on his issue for a full minute.  I’m not sure what all was stuck there, but apparently it was glued and took some work.  I didn’t realize that show was part of my on board entertainment.
Bikinis –
First off, I am not a fan of bikinis, on anyone.  Even if I had a rocking body, I wouldn’t wear one.  It’s back to my modest is hottest, for the strength of youth thought process, but that’s a rant for another time.  Most that I saw wearing them didn’t have the body for them, but there were a few I saw that did.  Super cute, great bodies, flirting it up for the men.  Then I overheard a guy ask them how old they were.  FOURTEEN.  Yep 14 years old, freshman in high school.  Little Lolita’s.  I fear for my children.  They will be lucky if I don’t make them wear those dresses the polygamists down in Arizona wear.
One day we were in the ocean, and a woman about 50 years old is floating past me on her back.  Just as I glance down at her, her boob pops out of her bikini top.  Why hello there boob, think you could maybe go back under cover so I can enjoy the water without fear of witnessing another nip slip?  The kicker was, she glances down, notices it, and does nothing.  Just keeps on a swimming.  Not sure that I’m the target audience she was hoping to witness her little show though.
Another thing I noticed, people (ok, mostly men) don’t seem to cut their toenails very often.  You would think that taking a vacation where you will be in sandals the majority of the time might make you want to do a quick trim.  Some people had them so long, I am convinced they use them to climb trees and ward of predators.   Or they were so jagged I wouldn’t be surprised if they used a steak knife to cut them.
So needless to say, I met a lot of interesting and unique people on my trip.  But the one thing I learned is that none of us are perfect.  We should all love ourselves for exactly who we are and what we look like.  Maybe just with a little more clothing on  J

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