Dating: The two main things that irritate me...

Dating:  The two main things that irritate me

I have spent the last few years deeply involved in the singles world.  I’ve learned a lot of things to do, and not to do, but by no means do I consider myself an expert.  There are two main things in the LDS dating scene that drive me crazy and personally I think are the biggest issues we face today.

Issue #1 - LDS guys are not aggressive enough, if at all.

Now I know not everyone will agree with me.  They will say “hey, I am or know lots of guys who are aggressive in pursuing life, careers, relationships etc.  That’s true, there are lots of them.  And guess what?  They’re married.  I’m talking about the LDS guys who are single over the age of 26, the selection that I have.  For some reason, so many of these guys are content with waiting to see what happens, or what I see far too often, why should they put out the effort when the girls pursue them?  Or they have been rejected or had their hearts crushed too many times and they don’t see the point in putting in the effort anymore.

I decided to brave a mid-singles activity a few weeks ago, and I ended up having a really good time and meeting some cool people.  The activity was dance lessons and we were going to learn the cha-cha.  The instructor was great and after he taught us a new move, he wanted us to switch partners.  The first time he did this, we all stood there like deer in head lights.  I know I was thinking “Do I go ask someone to dance?  Does he?”.  He saw our confusion and then said something that really resonated with me.  He said “Gentlemen!  It always has, and always will be your responsibility to ask a lady to dance!  So go find a partner!”  After that, it was smooth sailing.  There were more women than men, so for some moves there were women without a partner.  But it was ok, because if someone wanted to dance with us, we knew they would ask.  I remember being so relieved when he said this because it took the pressure off of me to use my outgoing personality to make something happen.

But afterwards I got to thinking.  Why, in a room of adults over the age of 30, people who own homes, have careers etc, did it have to be clarified that the men needed to be the ones to pursue the women?  Isn’t this common knowledge?  Men naturally want to chase, so when did it become the norm that this no longer happens?

One theory a friend of mine has is that the longer a man goes without sex, his brain starts to function improperly.  I think she may have a point.  When we have a bunch of 28 year old virgins wandering around, I really think the pistons aren’t all firing correctly.  Men need sex pretty much to function.  Does this mean that I think all those guys should go out and bone someone just to get their brains back on track?  Not at all, but I think it explains some of the weirdness  J

Another problem that I think has come into play is that women have become too aggressive.  I am a perfect example of this.  We have become so liberated and independent (which do not get me wrong, this is not a bad thing in most things), we have chosen to take the “I’m not going to sit around and wait, I’m going to make things happen” concept full force into our dating lives.  We are making all the moves, asking them out, pursuing them, calling them first.  I think this is backfiring for us in two main ways.

1.       The guys have gotten lazy.  Why should they pursue anyone, when we will do all the work for them?

2.       We are doing ourselves a disservice by settling for a guy who isn’t willing to work for us.

Pretty much all of my life I have been what I refer to as a “place holder”.  I have dated nothing but guys who are with me until someone better comes along.  I have had my heart crushed each time, but looking back, I realize I went thru that hard time because I let it happen.  I lowered my self worth just to feel good for a short time to be with someone.  I also realized each time, I had pursued them.  The other lesson I have learned from this is that no matter how hard you try, if the guy doesn’t truly want to be with you, he won’t.  Stop trying to force him.

The irony to being a self confident, independent woman, is that there is nothing I want more than to be with a man who will take charge and be, well, a man.  Someone who will ask me out, and put some thought into planning a date.  Someone who does the right thing because he knows it’s what he should do, not because he knows someone is watching him and he wants to impress them.  Someone who knows I am fully capable of opening a door, but wants to do it for me as a sign of respect.  Someone who if he wants to be with me, will do what it takes to chase me and let me know that I’m wanted.  And someone who knows that the best way to get me to shut up when I am being a pain in the butt is to kiss me  J

There are some guys who are very good at pursuing women.  They talk to everyone and date a lot.  Unfortunately, these guys are quickly labeled as “players”.  I don’t think this is fair to them.  All of us should be players, dating a lot and getting to know everyone possible until you meet someone you want to be in an exclusive relationship with.  And don’t assume that they are only dating you until you have had a DTR (define the relationship).  Everyone should be free game until some sort of commitment happens. 

So ladies, let’s stop being the pursuers.  Stop asking the guys on dates, let them ask us!  There is nothing wrong with introducing yourself to them, but let them take the lead from there.  And if they don’t do anything, it’s ok!  We deserve to be with men who truly want to be with us!

But guys, this means you have to step up to the plate  J

Now this leads me to my other issue with dating….

Issue #2 – Girls should not be saying no to a date.

Sorry ladies, but unless you feel scared for your safety, you should never say no to a first date with someone.  I don’t care if he isn’t your type, too tall, too short, has a hump on his back, tucks his shirt into his shorts (a real reason a girl I knew said no to a date) or whatever reason you come up with.  Everyone deserves a chance. 

My real opinion is that you should go out with someone three times before deciding if you want to pursue something, but for now I’ll leave it at the one date rule.

I can’t tell you how many amazing couples I know, that when they first started going out, she wasn’t interested.  She thought he was mean, or strange, or boring etc.  But after a few dates, he kept pursuing (back to my earlier point) and then she realized this was the one guy she couldn’t live without.  But she never would have gotten to that point if she hadn’t given him a chance.

Not to mention, it takes a lot of guts to ask someone out.  I have been surprised in the last year by the feedback I have gotten from guys about my blog, and how many times I hear “you can only get turned down for a date so many times before it starts affecting your confidence”.

What’s the worst that can happen?  You get a free meal, and if it’s really bad you will have a good story to tell (which in my opinion is awesome).  And who knows, you could meet someone really special.

So guys, be MEN!  And girls, show appreciation to the guys who step up to the plate  J

Kissing... Are we saints? Or are we sluts?

Kissing:  Are we saints?  Or are we sluts?

A little background for my non-Mormon readers out there.  Mormons don’t believe in sex before marriage, so instead, some have what is called a NCMO (pronounced nick-moe) or Non Committal Make Out.  Basically a Mormon version of friends with benefits or a one night stand.

Ah, the good ol’ NCMO.  I have had my fair share in my life, but it is something I don’t do anymore.  But during the time that I did, I definitely had some interesting experiences.  I have been told by many people that when it comes to physical relationships that I think like a guy, a kind of douchie guy in fact.  I am able to disconnect from any emotional attachment if I choose to and can just have fun.  Yes, I am aware this is not a good or a normal thing, it’s one of the reasons I won’t make out anymore.  Or kiss without being in a relationship for that matter, but that’s a blog for another time. 

Whether or not you participate in a NCMO isn’t up to me.  I do know, it can be asking for trouble if you do.  One of my favorite things I ever heard from a Bishop was “back rubs in the front room lead to front rubs in the back room”.  Not saying that every make out session will lead to Levi Lovin’ or Zipper Sparking, but it certainly can, or even go further.  But there are some upsides to it as well.  You can learn a lot about yourself.  I am not one that thinks that you should wait until your wedding day before you kiss each other.  The idea of waiting all that time is just too much going 0 to 60 in about 2 seconds.  Not to mention, I would think that once most people get married, the days of long make out sessions are over.  But again, that could just be my guy brain talking.

If you choose to wait until your wedding to kiss each other, more power to you.  I just worry it will end up looking something like this…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCv3c_DWhq0

Seriously hun, next time you kiss him, try less chewing….

Back to NCMO’s.  I don’t like being lead on and I appreciate the same from others, so I tend to put things out there, which can at times result in some interesting reactions.  The last guy I made out with, I was pretty straightforward with.  Before he kissed me I stopped him and made sure we were on the same page.  I told him that he was leaving for school soon and we wouldn’t be dating.  In that case, it was fine for us to make out, but in no way did it mean we were in a relationship.  We were both free to date other people and if it caused jealousy on either side, any physical contact would be stopped asap.  Needless to say, he was more than a little surprised by my approach.  He then told me I was the coolest girl ever (aww thanks) and thanked me for being so upfront and not causing drama like most girls.  Yep, I think like a guy.  Something I’m working on changing, not to be more crazy like some girls, but more feminine.

The funny thing about me is that I don’t really care for French kissing.  Most argue that I just haven’t kissed enough guys.  Let me assure you, that is not the case.  Some also say that I just haven’t kissed the right guy.  Again I disagree.  I have had kissed some very skilled guys in the frenching department.  Who knows, maybe I am the probelm.  I have never claimed to be a good kisser, I just know what I like.  But to me, I just find it more alluring to have very little tongue involved, if any.  Just my thought, feel free to disagree with me  J

There used to be a show on VH1 called “The Pick Up Artist”.  It was a guy who used to be super nerdy, but learned how to be confident in himself (ok, sometimes he got a little outlandish for my taste) and found out the secret to meeting women.  He had an episode about how to kiss and some of the best advice was that you should go a minimum of 30 seconds into a kiss without any tongue.  He also did this move called the C, super hot.  If I can find a clip of it, I will post it on Facebook.  I thought the show was something every guy should watch anyway, it had some great tips that really do work.

What I have experienced is lots of very bad and even bizarre kisses.  Let me tell you what I mean;

The Dead Slug Tongue

I didn’t kiss anyone until I was 17.  He was driving me back from our date and while stopped at a light, he lays one on me.  He then puts his tongue in my mouth, but doesn’t move it, at all!  It literally was like a big dead slug in my mouth.  He also was a smoker (this was while I wasn’t active) and had a beer at dinner (which personally I think tastes and smells disgusting) so it tasted awful.  At this point I was still an extremely shy girl and had little experience with guys, but even I knew this is not how this should go.  Since he was older (he was 28, don’t judge me) I figured he knew what he was doing.  But after a bit, he still hadn’t moved it!  At this point I just wanted it out, so I kind of flopped my tongue around trying to push his out of my mouth, to no avail.  Thankfully the light changed and the car behind us started honking, and he finally released me from my torture.  Then he looked at me and said “mmm, that was good”.  Good??  Seriously?  All I wanted then was to get out of the car and get some Listerine.

The Lazy Kisser

I have a theory that pretty boys are bad kissers.  I have yet to be proven wrong on this.  The only time it came close was the best looking guy I have ever kissed was a great kisser.  But, until a few years earlier, he had been 100 pounds heavier.  In my opinion, this doesn’t count.  When I say pretty boys, I mean those model looking guys who have never had to try with women, they have always had them flock to them.  Because of this, they have never had to craft their skill, instead, they just assume everything they do is golden.  A lot of these guys are lazy kissers.  The ones that sit there and expect you to do all the work.  Or ask you to move your head so they can watch Sports Center.  Haha, I kid, but I wouldn’t put it past them  J

The Tongue Darter

Some guys have the technique of darting their tongue in and out of your mouth super fast.  Makes me want to slip them some Ritalin just to get them to calm the heck down.

The Lip Sucker

I’m all for a good lip nibble, even a light suck on the lower lip.  But I have had guys who suck on my lower lip so hard it feels like I have a wet vac stuck on it.  Or some even take both lips at the same time and suck on them, again giving the vacuum effect.  Where these guys learn these techniques is beyond me.

The Talker

Maybe I’m just “a little less talk and a lot more action” kind of gal, but talking while making out just doesn’t seem like a good combination.  And let me be clear, not kiss for a bit, then stop and talk, then kiss for a bit.  I mean, trying to talk WHILE kissing.  One guy would literally be kissing me, and while his mouth was open, he would ask me questions.  And nothing sexy, it was always like “did you see that new Johnny Depp movie?  I thought it was good”.  But because of what he was doing, it sounded like he was talking with a mouth full of marbles.  I had to try to figure out A) what the heck was going on, and B) try to decipher what he was saying.  I am all about multi tasking, but this is one circumstance that it wasn’t well received.

Mr. Saliva

I get it, our mouths produce saliva, but some produce more than others.  I have kissed people where after I have thought “Why is my eyelid wet?”.  Why do some feel the need to take your entire face in their mouth?  Again, not sexy people, less is more.  This leads us into one of my most bizarre kissing experiences…

He licked What????

One guy was kind of a sweet kisser.  Then he started kissing my cheek, up to my temple, and then….he licked my forehead.  Yep, really.  He stuck out his tongue and licked from one side of my forehead to the other.  At this point I had no idea what to do.  So I kissed him for another minute, made some excuse about getting up early the next day and pushed him out the door.  The really crazy thing was, a few weeks later, I saw the exact same thing happen on a Sex and the City repeat.  My only guess is he saw that one part and assumed it was something girls liked, but changed the channel before he saw them talking about how bizarre and gross it was.

Tongue in the Ear

My all time biggest complaint about kissing is when a guy puts his tongue in your ear.  And not a light playing with your earlobe.  Nope, I mean trying to jam his tongue into the opening in your ear.  I am not sure why you are attempting to lick my eardrum, but you are going to need to stop before I punch you in the throat.  The worst part is the noise.  All you hear is what can best be described as slurping noises coming thru a blow horn.  And this has not been an isolated incident, it has happened with multiple people!  Is there honestly some girl out there who likes this, and tells guys they should do it?  Please guys, cease and desist. 

Yep, those are just a few of the interesting experiences I have had.  At least I can say my life is rarely boring.  Right now, I will just stick with my no kissing rule and try to find a good guy  J

The Great Toilet Seat Debate

The Great Toilet Seat Debate

In all of the many differences between the sexes, there is one argument I have never understood: women insisting that men put the toilet seat down.

I was at a party once when a girl rushed out of the bathroom, screeching like a banshee, insisting to know which guy had the nerve to use the bathroom and leave the toilet set up.  This made me think two things:

1.        Is it really that difficult to put the toilet seat down on your own?

2.       It’s a good thing you are hot, because you are freaking crazy

 

I’m not exactly a bra burning feminist, well in fact I would never burn my bra (this puppy keeps the girls looking good) but it kind of makes my eye twitch to hear women act like if this isn’t done he will be an outcast and deemed disgusting to society.  Most of you are probably shaking your heads thinking “well you must never have lived with men”.  Actually I grew up with 2 older brothers and half the time was at my dads house so I know the joy that is sharing a bathroom with boys. 

The most common argument I hear is that women will fall in if they leave it up.  Really?  Is it really that difficult for you to take 1/8 of a second and glance at the toilet before you sit down?  Do you routinely expose your naked hiney to whatever just happens to be there? 

Some say men should lower the seat because it’s polite.  Well if that is the case, wouldn’t it be just as polite for us to lift the toilet seat up when we are done?  The only time I can see this being something men should do, is if she has just had a baby.  New mothers (and fathers too really) get so tired and become like walking zombies.  Once my sister peed on a book of mine because she was so tired.  Let me explain.  They had a counter behind the toilet and she kept books and magazines there (our family is all bathroom readers).  One night she went to the bathroom without turning on the light, and also not realizing that a book (that she had borrowed from me) had fallen in the toilet, subsequently getting peed on.  She didn't even realize what had happened until the morning.  The poor thing was so exhausted, I didn't even mind (not that I kept it or anything, of course I threw it away).

Now don’t misunderstand me.  I’m not saying that men are the victims.  Boys have very different bathroom habits than women.  My sister has four boys and watching them be potty trained was a unique experience.  There were times I would go in the bathroom and think “how on earth did they get pee on the ceiling??”.  They are like little fire hoses and sometimes I am just grateful it makes it in the toilet at all.  I know a woman who got so sick of the mess that she makes her boys, including her husband, sit down to pee.  Maybe a little too emasculating for my taste, but I can see where she’s coming from.

I just beg, can we all stop putting the fuzzy lid covers on the toilets?  Why people think that attempting to disguise your toilet as a muppet makes it any more appealing is beyond me. 

So who wins?  Men?  Women?  Well in my opinion, neither.  I personally hate the way a toilet looks when the lid is up, so what if everyone just puts the lid down?  That way it isn’t just one persons responsibility, we all get to share in the love  J