Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Kissing... Are we saints? Or are we sluts?

Kissing:  Are we saints?  Or are we sluts?
A little background for my non-Mormon readers out there.  Mormons don’t believe in sex before marriage, so instead, some have what is called a NCMO (pronounced nick-moe) or Non Committal Make Out.  Basically a Mormon version of friends with benefits or a one night stand.
Ah, the good ol’ NCMO.  I have had my fair share in my life, but it is something I don’t do anymore.  But during the time that I did, I definitely had some interesting experiences.  I have been told by many people that when it comes to physical relationships that I think like a guy, a kind of douchie guy in fact.  I am able to disconnect from any emotional attachment if I choose to and can just have fun.  Yes, I am aware this is not a good or a normal thing, it’s one of the reasons I won’t make out anymore.  Or kiss without being in a relationship for that matter, but that’s a blog for another time. 
Whether or not you participate in a NCMO isn’t up to me.  I do know, it can be asking for trouble if you do.  One of my favorite things I ever heard from a Bishop was “back rubs in the front room lead to front rubs in the back room”.  Not saying that every make out session will lead to Levi Lovin’ or Zipper Sparking, but it certainly can, or even go further.  But there are some upsides to it as well.  You can learn a lot about yourself.  I am not one that thinks that you should wait until your wedding day before you kiss each other.  The idea of waiting all that time is just too much going 0 to 60 in about 2 seconds.  Not to mention, I would think that once most people get married, the days of long make out sessions are over.  But again, that could just be my guy brain talking.
If you choose to wait until your wedding to kiss each other, more power to you.  I just worry it will end up looking something like this…
Seriously hun, next time you kiss him, try less chewing….

Back to NCMO’s.  I don’t like being lead on and I appreciate the same from others, so I tend to put things out there, which can at times result in some interesting reactions.  The last guy I made out with, I was pretty straightforward with.  Before he kissed me I stopped him and made sure we were on the same page.  I told him that he was leaving for school soon and we wouldn’t be dating.  In that case, it was fine for us to make out, but in no way did it mean we were in a relationship.  We were both free to date other people and if it caused jealousy on either side, any physical contact would be stopped asap.  Needless to say, he was more than a little surprised by my approach.  He then told me I was the coolest girl ever (aww thanks) and thanked me for being so upfront and not causing drama like most girls.  Yep, I think like a guy.  Something I’m working on changing, not to be more crazy like some girls, but more feminine.
The funny thing about me is that I don’t really care for French kissing.  Most argue that I just haven’t kissed enough guys.  Let me assure you, that is not the case.  Some also say that I just haven’t kissed the right guy.  Again I disagree.  I have had kissed some very skilled guys in the frenching department.  Who knows, maybe I am the probelm.  I have never claimed to be a good kisser, I just know what I like.  But to me, I just find it more alluring to have very little tongue involved, if any.  Just my thought, feel free to disagree with me  J
There used to be a show on VH1 called “The Pick Up Artist”.  It was a guy who used to be super nerdy, but learned how to be confident in himself (ok, sometimes he got a little outlandish for my taste) and found out the secret to meeting women.  He had an episode about how to kiss and some of the best advice was that you should go a minimum of 30 seconds into a kiss without any tongue.  He also did this move called the C, super hot.  If I can find a clip of it, I will post it on Facebook.  I thought the show was something every guy should watch anyway, it had some great tips that really do work.

What I have experienced is lots of very bad and even bizarre kisses.  Let me tell you what I mean;

The Dead Slug Tongue
I didn’t kiss anyone until I was 17.  He was driving me back from our date and while stopped at a light, he lays one on me.  He then puts his tongue in my mouth, but doesn’t move it, at all!  It literally was like a big dead slug in my mouth.  He also was a smoker (this was while I wasn’t active) and had a beer at dinner (which personally I think tastes and smells disgusting) so it tasted awful.  At this point I was still an extremely shy girl and had little experience with guys, but even I knew this is not how this should go.  Since he was older (he was 28, don’t judge me) I figured he knew what he was doing.  But after a bit, he still hadn’t moved it!  At this point I just wanted it out, so I kind of flopped my tongue around trying to push his out of my mouth, to no avail.  Thankfully the light changed and the car behind us started honking, and he finally released me from my torture.  Then he looked at me and said “mmm, that was good”.  Good??  Seriously?  All I wanted then was to get out of the car and get some Listerine.

The Lazy Kisser
I have a theory that pretty boys are bad kissers.  I have yet to be proven wrong on this.  The only time it came close was the best looking guy I have ever kissed was a great kisser.  But, until a few years earlier, he had been 100 pounds heavier.  In my opinion, this doesn’t count.  When I say pretty boys, I mean those model looking guys who have never had to try with women, they have always had them flock to them.  Because of this, they have never had to craft their skill, instead, they just assume everything they do is golden.  A lot of these guys are lazy kissers.  The ones that sit there and expect you to do all the work.  Or ask you to move your head so they can watch Sports Center.  Haha, I kid, but I wouldn’t put it past them  J

The Tongue Darter
Some guys have the technique of darting their tongue in and out of your mouth super fast.  Makes me want to slip them some Ritalin just to get them to calm the heck down.

The Lip Sucker
I’m all for a good lip nibble, even a light suck on the lower lip.  But I have had guys who suck on my lower lip so hard it feels like I have a wet vac stuck on it.  Or some even take both lips at the same time and suck on them, again giving the vacuum effect.  Where these guys learn these techniques is beyond me.

The Talker
Maybe I’m just “a little less talk and a lot more action” kind of gal, but talking while making out just doesn’t seem like a good combination.  And let me be clear, not kiss for a bit, then stop and talk, then kiss for a bit.  I mean, trying to talk WHILE kissing.  One guy would literally be kissing me, and while his mouth was open, he would ask me questions.  And nothing sexy, it was always like “did you see that new Johnny Depp movie?  I thought it was good”.  But because of what he was doing, it sounded like he was talking with a mouth full of marbles.  I had to try to figure out A) what the heck was going on, and B) try to decipher what he was saying.  I am all about multi tasking, but this is one circumstance that it wasn’t well received.

Mr. Saliva
I get it, our mouths produce saliva, but some produce more than others.  I have kissed people where after I have thought “Why is my eyelid wet?”.  Why do some feel the need to take your entire face in their mouth?  Again, not sexy people, less is more.  This leads us into one of my most bizarre kissing experiences…

He licked What????
One guy was kind of a sweet kisser.  Then he started kissing my cheek, up to my temple, and then….he licked my forehead.  Yep, really.  He stuck out his tongue and licked from one side of my forehead to the other.  At this point I had no idea what to do.  So I kissed him for another minute, made some excuse about getting up early the next day and pushed him out the door.  The really crazy thing was, a few weeks later, I saw the exact same thing happen on a Sex and the City repeat.  My only guess is he saw that one part and assumed it was something girls liked, but changed the channel before he saw them talking about how bizarre and gross it was.

Tongue in the Ear
My all time biggest complaint about kissing is when a guy puts his tongue in your ear.  And not a light playing with your earlobe.  Nope, I mean trying to jam his tongue into the opening in your ear.  I am not sure why you are attempting to lick my eardrum, but you are going to need to stop before I punch you in the throat.  The worst part is the noise.  All you hear is what can best be described as slurping noises coming thru a blow horn.  And this has not been an isolated incident, it has happened with multiple people!  Is there honestly some girl out there who likes this, and tells guys they should do it?  Please guys, cease and desist. 

Yep, those are just a few of the interesting experiences I have had.  At least I can say my life is rarely boring.  Right now, I will just stick with my no kissing rule and try to find a good guy  J


  1. LMAO!!!!! Barbie, I just love you. That dead slug kiss...well, I'm impressed that you actually decided to give kissing another shot! Levi lovin and zipper sparking...oh man. That's hilarious. :D

  2. I heart you Barbie : ) Just wanted to ad--remember Lauren's one-woman musical escapade where she talked about lip quiverers?

  3. I couldn't stop laughing through this whole blog..and you know what?! That youtube clip is scary! I have never witnessed an adult do that. Middle school is where I saw a lot of that. But that's what happens to a person who has never even gone close to kissing someone til their wedding day. That's insane! I agree with the pretty boy syndrome thing. Most of them DON'T have a clue what they're doing.

  4. You seriously make me laugh... I love the way you describe the different types of kissers. I have experienced all of these at one point or another... except for the lick the forehead one, that's just gross. I don't know why some guys think licking your ear is a good thing, maybe they are doing to you what they want done to them? I knew a guy once who would go absolutely bonkers anytime you went anywhere near his ears. But, its not for me.

  5. ...but didn't answer your own question - saints or sluts?