Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Nice Guy: What You're Doing Wrong

The Nice Guy: What You’re Doing Wrong

One of the complaints I hear a lot in dating is how a lot of guys say they never get the girl because they are the “Nice Guy”.  Have you ever had the experience of liking a woman, being a perfect gentleman, and treating her like a queen, only to have her reject you in favor of someone else (possibly very handsome ) who doesn’t treat her right, or doesn’t seem to care about her much at all?    When you are interested in women, do they tend to see you as a friend or “brother” or have as much sexual attraction to you as say a lamp, rather than a romantic interest?

I’ve done a lot of thinking about this and have decided to give my take on it.  Just a warning, I am about as subtle as a sledge hammer at times and I plan on giving it to you straight  J 

*Disclaimer, I found a lot of great articles online that I took some lines from.  But all the awesome lines, those are all me, haha  J

Always doing what she wants to do, because you think it’s what she wants -

One of my biggest pet peeves is when I go on a date with a guy and the first thing he asks is “What do you want to do?”.  You are the man and asked me out, plan the date!  Take command without being pushy.  Maybe ask me ahead of time if there is something I would like or hate to do, or if there is a kind of food I love or hate.  It’s also good if you come into it with two options.  Instead of putting it all on her, say “I made two reservations.  One at an Italian place, one at seafood.  Which would you prefer?”.  By not planning ahead, it makes you come of as indecisive and unreliable, two things that you never want to be.  Planning ahead shows that you are in control (which is hot) but still caring about what will make us happy.

Steer clear of saying yes to anything and everything she suggests.  If she wants you to go shopping with her all the time and you end up holding her purse, bored out of your mind, stop saying yes!  If she asks and you really don’t want to go, it’s ok to say “You know, shopping just isn’t my thing”.  But if you are interested in going out with her, follow it up with “But what if I took you to that play you’ve been wanting to see tomorrow night?”.  This way you show that you are interested in dating her, but making it clear you are not her gay shopping buddy.

Also, don’t always blow off your friends every time she calls last minute.  Most girls won’t go out with a guy if he doesn’t give at least a few days notice because it makes them feel like a last minute option.  Why shouldn’t you expect the same from her?

It’s ok to learn about her, but if you are too interested, you come off as a stalker.

So maybe you have asked out the girl you really like.  And before your date, you decide to do some Facebook browsing to give you some conversation ideas, this is totally fine!  When it crosses the line is if you know too much about her before she’s told you anything.  If she brings up “Yea while I was at college” and you follow it up with “Yea, like in that one photo with your roommates Jessica and Randy, where you’re all wearing those matching pajamas while you lived at Heleman Halls in 08?”.  Yikes, too much!  Get some basics, if she has pictures of her wakeboarding/snowboarding etc, it can be followed up with questions about where her favorite place to go is.  Learning too much too soon is creepy and it spoils the fun of getting to know someone! 

It’s also ok to talk about yourself.  Nice guys seem to think that by sitting and listening to girls for hours on end, clearly shows how interested they are.  By doing this, you run the risk of becoming that awesome friend who’s always there to listen, and you eventually end up listening to how bad other guys are and the drama in her life.  Let me say it again, you are not her gay buddy, so don’t let yourself fall into that trap!  If she does start talking about other guys, but you’ve made it clear you are interested in her, it’s ok to say “You know I’m interested in you.  And while I know that we aren’t exclusive, I really don’t want to hear about the other guys you are currently dating”.  Communication is key! 

Get some self confidence! –

Being around a guy with low self confidence can be an instant turn off, even repulsive (yes really).  By making it clear you don’t like yourself, or expect anyone to like you, it pushes us away.  One of the keys to self confidence is giving the impression you don’t care what others think of you.  Instead of working so hard to get her to like you, just assume the sale.  More than likely she’ll be into you if you act like she’s already into you.  It sounds counter-intuitive, but it works.

The one big thing that women are looking for (and it’s the universal mistake of attraction) is INSECURITY. When you communicate insecurity in any of your actions, it’s repulsive to women.  Look, I understand that you can’t help wanting this girl to like you, but if you get obsessed with what she thinks about you, you’re doomed. You’ll be yet another cautionary tale.  In fact, the more she can sense that you want her to like you (also known as “leg humper” disease) the more likely she will not feel any attraction for you. Which means, yes, you’ll be just friends in no time.
And of course, the good news is that confidence in all its forms is universally attractive to women. Women are attracted to guys with purpose, ambition, and confidence

Bragging like a douche bag is not the same as confidence –

The way most guys think they can impress a girl is to brag and puff up their chests with women – the way they do when they want to impress another guy.
Which is the complete OPPOSITE of what really attracts women.
You have to resist the urge to self-promote, because most women see this as a giant flashing sign that screams “douche bag”. If you are really good at sports, you can say “I like to play sports”.  Don’t say “yea, I pretty much kick butt at volleyball”.  Be humble, then if she sees you play she can think “wow, he’s really good”.  Being modest about your strengths is much more of a turn on for us.
Kind of like the guys that put shirtless pictures of themselves on Facebook (and for some reason these pictures are always taken in the bathroom mirror).  I don’t care if you look like Matthew McConaghey, it is much sexier for us to catch you by chance at the pool without your shirt on than posting it everywhere looking like you’re begging for compliments.  Plus, by making your amazing body kind of a secret, when we do fall for you, the fact that we get that six pack all to ourselves is a huge turn on.

Looks matter…to an extent –

I’m not saying you have to look like Brad Pitt in order for a girl to like you, far from it.  You don’t have to be a Brad Pitt look-alike, but make the most of what you have. Review your grooming, clothes, and accessories with an objective eye.  Care about what you look like.   Your female friends are probably more than happy to give you advice.  And I highly recommend watching a few episodes of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” for some tips.

Don’t be a leg humper –

Ah the leg humper syndrome.  It’s when someone (girls do it too) get too into someone too fast and let it ruin everything.  It is so obvious to everyone, it gets embarrassing to watch. 

Think about this from her perspective: She’s going to be super-cautious early on, and unless you’ve triggered some massive attraction with this girl, when you make a big play for her and come on strong, it feels creepy and weird.  Women hate leg humpers, so you have to be extra laid back at the start so that she can feel comfortable enough around you to let herself go. (This is what women really mean by “friends first.”)

The problem with most nice guys is that they communicate the wrong message to a female. And what is that message? The message that most nice guys communicate is a very simple one: I like you! And that is a very big mistake.   Have you ever watched Charlie the Unicorn 3?  Get to the point with the underwater song and pay attention to the starfish.  Even sea creatures can be leg humpers…

Charlie the Unicorn – Watch the Starfish

A guy friend of mine told me this is like what he refers to as “The Puppy” syndrome.  Guys tend to be like puppies when they meet a girl they like; over excited, always trying for attention, peeing on things…hmm, maybe not that one.  Ease up guys, you’re freaking us out.

I found this article online that I thought was interesting;

“Contrary to popular belief, the problem that most nice guys have is not that they treat girls they like “nice.” Girls don’t like being treated rudely or disrespectfully. They like being treated nicely – they like being given attention. No, the mistake most nice guys make is that they communicate to the girl they like what that “niceness” means to them. In other words, what a nice guy communicates to a girl he likes is how he feels and how he wants the relationship to progress.

The following are some of the things a guy will do that convey the “I like you” message to a girl he likes:

He tells her often how much she means to him.
He buys her flowers, chocolate, or other gifts
He goes out of his way to please her or do something special for her. For example, if she’s sick, he might make her soup, or if she needs help with something, he’ll drop whatever he’s doing to help her.

Now why is “I like you” the wrong message for a guy to send? The issue with this message (especially early on in a relationship) is that it focuses on how the guy feels, and not on how the girl feels. Girls are attracted to guys who make them feel pleasure. They are attracted to guys who make them feel good. They aren’t attracted to guys who simply “like them.” That does nothing for the girl. And the more that a guy does “nice” things to convey that he likes the girl, the more the girl will like the attention, but not the guy. This is why she will keep the guy as a friend: she likes the attention he gives her, but does not like him enough to go out with him.
The key to building attraction with a girl is not to stop doing nice things for her. Rather, the key is to use that nice guy quality and re-direct it away from how you feel and towards how you want her to feel. Everything you do needs to communicate to a girl that you want her to feel good. You need to show her not that you like her, but that you are focused on giving her attention that pleases her. If you do this well enough – if you focus on giving her attention, rather than conveying that you like her – than she will start to wonder how you really feel about her. And once she starts wondering, she will start becoming more and more attracted to you. Then the game begins. 

We want a protector -

Like it or not, woman are naturally drawn to the alpha male.  We want someone who is strong, handsome and able to take care of us.  One of my favorite quotes is from Sex and the City when they were discussing firefighters.  One of the girls asks the others “Why do you think it is that women are naturally attracted to firemen?” to which another replies “I think deep down, women just want to be rescued.”.  Now I know this just screams to the feminist in each of us, no we don’t!  But honestly, yes we do. 

I think my friend Bobby is a perfect example of this.  We met at a conference and went to dinner with group of people.  He exudes self confidence without coming off as a complete tool.  He also has a strong sense of power, without being a Neanderthal.  While walking to the restaurant, I noticed he did small things that made me feel incredibly secure; moving so he was on the side closest to the street, opening my door but not making a show out of it, letting me sit down at the table first.  The really interesting thing is these were all things he did out of habit, not because he was trying to impress me (he wasn’t even interested in me).  But those small things radiated with a sense of “I’m the man and I will protect you”.  It was incredibly attractive.

Don’t Shower her with gifts and compliments –

Any girl who is worth your time will be more excited by a well thought out cheap date than a guy spending half his paycheck on dinner and flowers.  These low-cost dates also keep you from feeling that you have to “spoil” her or “buy” her affection with an extravagant wining-and-dining evening. And if she likes you, she won’t mind a “cheap” date; she just wants to be with you.  If you overdo the gifts, you come off as desperate.

The truth is that women love compliments. We adore being told we’re hot, irresistible and look sexy in our new black dress. But throw out too many compliments too early on, laugh at all of our jokes (even when we both know they’re not funny.  Who am I kidding, I’m totally funny), we’ll get bored and the compliments get repetitive.  It turns you into one of two things: the too nice guy or the desperate creep -- and no woman wants to date either. Instead, make us work for our compliments. We love a challenge just as much as a man does, and compliments go so much further when we feel we’ve actually earned them.

Making Yourself the Inferior –

Women like to be treated with respect, but most are not attracted to a man who appears to be, well, groveling. So if your instinct is to ask, "Is it okay if I kiss you?" don't. Just kiss her.  Just because a woman wants a man to treat her with consideration and respect doesn't mean she wants one that she can walk all over. If you try to be the man who treats her like a queen, then you automatically put yourself in the role of her inferior. Not only is this unattractive to a woman, it's also not a healthy way to start a relationship. Instead, assert yourself and act with confidence; just as you expect her to.

Women are crazy – we don’t say what we want, or if we do, we tend to change our minds later.  That's not to say that you shouldn't respect what a woman says and give in to her requests when she makes them (especially if she tells you she doesn’t like something you are doing), because you should. But just because she says she wants you to call her every night before bed doesn't mean that she'll be more attracted to you if you do.

Nice guys also tend to let people (especially women) walk all over them.  I have been known to call these guys the ball-less wonders.  Don’t be one of those guys.  There are a lot of women out there that if they don’t respect you, they will treat you like crap if you let them.  Sadly, I used to be one of those girls (not anymore though, but I am instantly turned off by guys that come across as weak). 

The “Wearing Your Heart On Your Sleeve” Issue -

Being too open too soon - Our female brains aren’t wired like yours. We don’t thrive on competition. We don’t think it's the ultimate challenge to help you get over your ex and get with us instead. On the contrary, many of us will actually shy away from you if you continue to tell us either how wonderful your ex was, how upset you are that she dumped you, how toxic your old relationship was, or how glad you are to “finally be rid of the whore.” Instead of being a turn-on, all this ex talk instantly screams that you have so much baggage that you need a bellboy. Not to mention the fact that it's boring for us to have a man whine on and on about a relationship that doesn't involve us. Get over it!  Guys think they are avoiding games by being open really soon, but most of the time it just freaks us out.  All of us have past relationships, but get to know each other before you start bringing up the ex’s.
Sometimes guys fall into the opposite trap and get way too honest up front. They want to be brutally honest and avoid all the “games,” but in doing so they steal the fun part out of meeting women – which is that it’s a discovery process.  So just keep all that well-meaning honesty and reveal the flaws and the quirks along the way. 

And sometimes they just share too much.  If tomatoes give you rancid diarrhea, don’t tell me this at dinner!  Just don’t order them!  If I ask, just say you are allergic.  Telling us things that bring an instant mental picture of you on the toilet is not good…ever.

Don’t put us on a pedestal before you really know her –

This is something I see a lot with the nice guys.  It shows up mostly when a guy comes on way too strong too soon.   They meet a girl, are instantly attracted to her, and begin almost creating this fantasy version of her.  He builds a fantasy relationship with this hot woman he just met, and builds up all his attraction, and then totally freaks her out when he starts centering his life around her.   If she confides in them about all the jerks she is dating, it just makes it that much worse.  They tend to think she is some sort of victim and can do no wrong, and if she would just give you a chance she could see how happy her life could be.  What bothers me about this is guys enable these girls and don’t believe she is capable of doing anything wrong.  These jerks aren’t forcing her to go out with them, she’s going willingly!  She’s probably kissing them too.  You know why?  Because jerks tend to be good kissers.  Just sayin…

Remember: You have the right to evaluate her, not just the other way around. Does she deserve a second date? Is she relationship material (if that’s what you’re looking for)? Just because she’s attractive/smart/classy doesn’t necessarily mean she’s right for you. Does she treat you well? Is she kind? Does she have decent self-esteem? Is she giving? If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, can you see yourself still with her in 20 years, whenthe looks begin to fade and she’s popped out a couple of kids?

If we don’t want to have sex with you, we will never want to date you –

There, that’s as blunt as I can be about it.  You may treat us like gold and we can talk for hours, but if there isn’t a physical attraction, you will never be more than just friends.  And before you start bashing me for not promoting loving someone for who they are, guys think this way too.  How many of you “nice guys” have a girl who you know is very interested in you, who does everything for you, but you aren’t attracted to her, no matter how sweet and wonderful she is?

Sometimes attraction is something you can help (better grooming, clothes, exercise, bathing etc) and sometimes it’s not.  If the physical chemistry isn’t there, sometimes there is nothing you can do about it.  Now I’m not saying you need to spend a fortune to get a new wardrobe and get your body waxed (people that buy things simply because of the brand annoy me.  And I like chest hair, again, just me), but there is no reason you shouldn’t be doing some basic things to make yourself look and feel better.

Women can be just as shallow as men can be, but just as most men are attracted to a certain standard of female (big boobs, round butt, shiny hair) because they're genetically programmed to be, most women are attracted to a certain kind of man. And while she may think she wants somebody to treat her nice and show her respect, a woman's body often tells her a different story. Her body says to choose the Alpha male type-- the one who makes the rules rather than follows them. The decisive and confident man who oozes strength and security.  Just as men can overcome their body's drive to "spread their seed" with plenty of big-breasted women, women can overcome their instinctive attraction to take-charge Alpha men.

So there you have it guys, my thoughts.  Love me or hate me, let me know what you think  J


  1. This is the most spot on explanation of what women really want that I've ever read.

    Guys like me, who actually understand all of this (without you having to explain it) don't have a hard time getting dates, or finding attractive women, or even finding relationships.

    But for guys, knowing this stuff is only half the battle. Applying this to our social interactions is something completely different, and even more difficult at first.

    This is a study on social dynamics that myself (and a few very good Denver buddies) continually work on.

    And btw, we are tired of women saying that they want a "nice" guy, when what they really want is and Alpha male who can take care of them and make them feel feminine. Boom.

    You rock, Barbie doll.

  2. Wow - women revealed. This is the exact thinking of a woman. You're always wanting to change a man. If a man wrote what women are doing wrong it would be one sentence long, "You're doing just fine."

    On the flip side, really there is some good advise here and I find that most of what was said to be very natural. Sometimes it just takes some conditioning to apply these social traits. I would expect this advices to be much more useful for men under the age of 25 with limited experience - so who are you dating Barbie - robbing the cradle ;)?

    However, even when a nice guy follows all these tid-bits of advise - you are forgetting one piece of information... Most women don't know what they want! Even when a woman thinks she knows what she wants, every decision a woman makes is based on how she FEEL's in the moment and not necessarily based on what she wants. And, if there is no challenge in changing a man as you have so indirectly pointed out - if he's too 'nice' or 'perfect', it ain't going to work. You're SPOT on about 'letting the games begin', because this above critique can be tossed to the curb depending on the kind of game a woman is playing or where her heart is at the moment.

    - So lesson learned - You pointed out very nicely that women want a man they can change, they want to play games, A woman, hands down, is heart over head and there is no real dating advise a guy can get. Each woman is different and unique and each playing her own game.


    1. Sounds like you interpret to validate your bitterness, David. As far as your comment about women making decisions based on how she feels at the moment is more of a commentary on the type of females you seem to continually surround yourself with. I know many level-headed women. You're just not attracted to them it seems. Maybe if they had longer hair or bigger breasts, perhaps?

      On a more general note, while I did not find that this matched me precisely, a woman, there were three things I did find spot on (self esteem, protector, and natural chemistry which is true for men as well). The thing is, is her interpretation. For example, I was never attracted to artistic types as they didn't seem directed enough or have self esteem. Being an older woman now, I can see that they do have these things, I just didn't define or recognized them as such. Now, these types drive me wild with their creative ideas and other-worldliness! (Still like my intellectuals; my tastes have just broadened.)

      I think, too, that this blog shows the mind of a younger woman. As a woman over 35 myself I don't have the hang ups of indecisiveness, irregular self esteem/awareness, and such, and would rather just get to the point...namely, is there an attraction, where is this going, and is it worth my time?

      LOVED your last line "Just as men can overcome their body's drive to "spread their seed" with plenty of big-breasted women, women can overcome their instinctive attraction to take-charge Alpha men." Ha, ha...

  3. When asking a lady out, make sure she knows its a date, arrange place to meet, or if you are picking her up be on time, shower, cologne, teeth brushed, make an effort to get changed and look good, because she will be doing the same. Offer to open her door for her, and if she accepts remember to do this every time. When talking to her, pause and give her a time to reply. Listen to her response......!!!!! Look at her not at the TV playing the latest game.....Don't check your phone, and definitely don't post on Facebook.
    If the date is going well, ask her for a second date while on the first date, you can gauge her response much better by looking at her, over getting a text from her. If she declines, be nice, don't just be a friend for dating.

  4. If your man is pushing you away and acting distant

    Or if the guy you’re after isn’t giving you the time of day...

    Then it’s time to pull out all the stops.

    Because 99% of the time, there is only 1 thing you can say to a standoffish guy that will grab him by the heartstrings-

    And get his blood pumping at just the thought of you.

    Insert subject line here and link it to: Your ex won’t be able to resist?

    Once you say this to him, or even send this simple phrase in a text message...

    It will flip his world upside down and you will suddenly find him chasing you-

    And even begging to be with you.

    Here’s what I’m talking about:

    Insert subject line here and link it to: Is your man hiding something? He may need your help?

    Thanks again.