The Secrets to Online Dating - Part 1

One of the most beneficial things I have learned from working with the LDS Matchmaker is the secrets to online dating.  Some of the most important things I learned are trade secrets so you'll have to learn them straight from the experts, but I have a few things I can share.

PHOTOS

Whether it's ldsplanet.com, Tinder, or even just your Facebook profile, photos are incredibly important.  I'm not saying you need to look like a model, but you should at least be presentable.  Here is a list of some do's and don'ts to help.

DON'T
     Put photos in your profile where you are with someone else or a large group.
 If it's a member of the opposite sex (even a sibling) the first impression is that you are dating them.
 If it's a member of the same sex, there is a chance they will think your friend is hotter than you are.  If it's a group photo, it's hard to figure out which one you are.

DO
Have at least one full body photo.  Men are visual, and, like it or not, their attraction includes more than just your face.  Forcing them ask for it later down the road makes them come off as a creeper when the majority of the time they aren't.  Just put the full body photo up at the beginning.

DON'T
Have the "Dateline Pedophile" photo that's grainy and taken from a webcam on your computer in a poorly lit room.

DO
Trim your beard.  A lot of women love a man with a beard, but if it looks like small creatures are nesting in it, it's not very appealing.

DON'T
Only have photos of you that are more than 10 years old.

DO
Ladies - If you like to ski or snowboard, have a photo of this.  I don't know why, but it attracts men like moths to a flame.

DON'T
Only have photos of comic book characters.  There is nothing wrong with having a hobby, but when that's all you have or talk about, women assume you are creepy and live in your parents basement.

DO
Wear lipstick.  It sounds silly, but it makes a huge difference.

DON'T
Have photos of you out drinking at the bars if your profile claims you are looking for a nice LDS guy/girl.

DO
SMILE!  Yes the coy smirk can be cute for a photo, but if every single photo isn't a real smile, I will assume you have some seriously jacked up teeth.

DON'T
Take a photo of your drivers license photo.  Seriously, I don't want to say how many times I have seen this......

DO
Wear clothing that accents your figure.  No one says you have to be any certain size, but dress in a way that makes you feel great.

DON'T
Pose seductively on a fur rug or chaise lounge.  This is especially directed towards the men....

DO
Have photos of you doing your favorite hobbies (traveling, hiking etc).

DON'T
This is especially for the men.  Don't make every photo of you rock climbing, biking or generally anything that you are doing a cool activity, but you can't see your face.  One of those is fine, but let's be honest, you aren't Bear Grylls.

DO
Switch up your photos!  Every few weeks rotate the photos you have, it helps attract a whole new group of potentials  :)

DON'T
Have photos of you at the gym.  Unless your ultimate goal is to only date another gym rat, it just makes you look like a tool.

DO
Especially if you are a guy, post photos of you with puppies.  It's a sure fire win  :)

DON'T
Have photos of you with kids that aren't yours.  Yes, I get that you want to show everyone you can't wait to birth some babies, but it's more confusing than anything.

And as always, for help from the real experts, visit www.theldsmatchmaker.com 

They Aren't All Bad. In Fact, Most of Them Aren't

I like to get a laugh.  One of the easiest ways I have found to do this is by talking about my strange dating life.  With some of the experiences I have had, I have always found it is better to see the humor in it, rather than acknowledging the soul sucking existence being single in your 30's can be. Again I kid, it's really not that bad, really.

But it has come to my attention that by so frequently making light of my dates failures, I might be putting the wrong message out there.  And I think that's true.  So I wanted to clarify something very important.

There are way more amazing guys out there than weirdo's.  A LOT!!!

When I did my 100 date challenge in 2014, I had a few intentions in mind.  It's no secret, I wanted to fall in love.  I wanted to meet someone amazing, get married, maybe pop out some babies.  I knew it was a long shot, but wouldn't it be a great "How we met" story??  And at the very least, I would get some great stories about weird dates I went on.  Unfortunately, not much of either happened.

Something pretty amazing did happen.  As you have probably noticed, I don't have tons of stories from those dates.  Well at least not the kind of "Here's the latest weird crap in my life" stuff that I'm used to.  Instead, I met some pretty wonderful men.

No, I did not find the man I want to marry.  Sometimes I was into them, but they didn't feel the same.  Sometimes they were into me, but I didn't feel the same.

But these men I met were surprisingly, normal!  Intelligent, funny, spiritual, good guys.

Some examples;

They were all true gentleman.  One date not only opened my door, he offered his hand to help me get out of the car (I found this incredibly swoon worthy).  Part of our date was going to a game night at a friends house.  When we were getting ready to leave, he went and found my coat, helped me into it, and swept my hair from under the collar so it wouldn't be stuck in my jacket.  He was an incredibly genuine and kind man and it showed in everything he did.  *And because I know you will all ask, he didn't feel a spark which was fine.  He recently got married and is very happy :)

One man, who I lovingly refer to as "The Nerd", will always be one of my favorites.  Our dates were always filled with laughter and he was willing to put up with my bizarre adventures.  He was thoughtful, giving and loved his nerdy comic stuff (but in a charming way).  *It wasn't something that developed into anything more than friendship, but he is hands down one of the best men that I have ever met!  Ladies, he's still single.....

I could go on and on (I promise I will post more about these guys in the future).  I cannot believe what incredible men there are out there!

So while I do have some insane dating stories that I love to share, it doesn't mean that I think all guys are crazy.  Most aren't.  And I think guys get a bad wrap, but more about that another time....

Ladies, don't give up hope!  Good men are out there, but YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM A CHANCE!  Please, I beg you, go on a date, even if you don't think you are interested.  It doesn't hurt to have a fun evening with someone.  And on one of those dates, it's going to turn into something more.  I know it will for me  :)

Why I Need a Dating Coach aka my girl crush on Lauren....

It's no secret that I like to date.  I love meeting new people and seeing if we connect.  Even if there isn't anything romantic, most of the time I can get a new friend out of it.  Or if it's really bad, at least I got a really good story out of it.....and I have A LOT of those.

Dating is something in life I think all singles need to take advantage of.  Date a lot!  Even if you don't think it's a match, give it a shot.  Some of the best marriages I have ever seen, there wasn't an initial chemistry or attraction.  My personal rule is that unless you feel that you will be in personal danger, say yes to a first date.  I actually think you should say yes for three dates, but some people need baby steps ;)

But even though I have had more than my fair share of dates, I have only had 2 boyfriends.  Yep, 2.  I didn't even have my first boyfriend until I was 32.  I just wasn't good at turning dates into something more.

When I got the opportunity to work with the LDS Matchmaker last year, I jumped at the chance.  While all of her services have helped me, nothing even compares to the change I found from working with a dating coach.

I know a lot of you are asking "What the heck is a dating coach?".  Basically, it's a therapist you work with on your dating and relationship issues.  Her main goal is to figure out the road blocks so you can fall in love and find someone to spend your life with.

So why would anyone need a dating coach, especially me?  For me, I like to buy self help books.  Now let me clarify, I like to buy them.  I don't really like to read them.  I have a whole collection sitting on my bookshelf collecting dust, and the majority of them are about dating.

Books are great.  I love the smell of them, the feel of the paper.  These books are full of great advice and life changing information.  The bad part about books?  You aren't accountable to them.  Books aren't scheduling weekly meetings with you, asking questions and really getting to the root of the problem.  I needed more than a book.

Lauren (my dating coach) was exactly what I needed.  She not only listened to what I had to say, she listened to what I DIN'T have to say.  She figured out the true meaning behind my words, my insecurities.

And the best part, she called me out on my crap.  Anytime I said something that sounded good, but wasn't what I really meant, she would call BS on me so fast it would make your head spin.

I am a bit of a strong personality (putting it mildly) and she had no problem stepping up to the plate.  And I respected her for that.

Now don't get me wrong, she wasn't ever argumentative or abrasive.  She is kind, funny and truly has the best intentions for her clients.  She wants you to succeed!

I also had some of the most spiritual experiences during our sessions.  We both shed many tears talking about our love for the gospel and knowing Heavenly Fathers unwavering love for me.  She built my testimony in ways I had never imagined.

In our 13 sessions, she gave me weekly homework assignments.  Challenges that pushed me out of my comfort zone and really helped me grow.  She got me out of my own way from finding a truly meaningful relationship.

Last night was my last session with her, and it was incredibly bittersweet.  I will miss my weekly chats with the woman who I now consider my dear friend.  But much more than sadness, I left feeling nothing but hopeful.

In the next few months, I will be writing blog posts talking about some of the most life changing things I learned.  I want nothing more than to help all of my single friends find love, and keep it forever.

But if you really want to change your life, set up a consultation with the LDS Matchmaker.  What do you have to lose?  :)

http://www.theldsmatchmaker.com/

Falling In Love, With Me

In terms of self esteem, 2015 was a hard year for me.  When I confessed this to friends, they found it hard to believe.  Yes it’s true, I never seem to be lacking in self esteem, but after losing so much weight from my gastric bypass surgery, I started to gain some of it back.  People always want to know how it happened and the simple answer is that I started eating sugar again.  Anyone who tells you that fat makes you fat is full of crap, sugar makes you fat.  But anyway, that’s a rant for another time...

I wasn’t prepared for the toll gaining some weight back would take on my mind.  I had gained back a fraction of what I had lost, but I felt bigger than I had ever been.  And worst of all, I felt completely undesirable.  My depression and anxiety skyrocketed.  I pulled back from most social activities.  I wasn’t myself anymore.

I had to remind myself that I needed to love myself exactly as I was that moment.  Not if I lost 20 pounds.  I had to fall in love with me again, and that was going to take some work.

When the LDS Matchmaker presented me with their “Make It Happen Package”, I never imagined what an impact it would have on my life!  And one of the best parts was the professional photo shoot.

We all know how much better you feel when you have your hair and makeup done, and add to that some amazing photos by a fantastic photographer and you have one happy Barbie  J

My Dating Coach Lauren was also my stylist.  She took me to a few different stores and helped me put together some outfits.  While I can find you the perfect wedding dress, regular fashion just isn’t my thing.  I definitely needed her help.  I also had a work trip to Chicago coming up and these outfits went along perfectly!

The day of the shoot, the amazing Brittany Wilson did my makeup (resident matchmaker and stylist).  She even put some fancy fake eyelashes on me which made my eyes look incredible!

The photo shoot took place at the Salt Lake City Library, hands down one of my favorite places downtown.  Sami Johnson (Matchmaker extraordinaire) was there to help with anything I needed and to be my own personal cheerleader.  Seriously, every time I started having the thought “I probably look awful”,  out of nowhere she would shout out “You are such a hottie!!”.  It’s hard not to smile when you have someone encouraging you on.

The photos were taking by the insanely talented MJ Morgan, owner of “My Style Photography”.  His skill working with natural light makes my jaw drop, and to top it off, he’s an incredibly nice guy.  He’s mellow, inviting and gives great direction to make you look your absolute best.  He also didn’t mind when I gave him my input about poses or things I wanted in the background.

The experience was amazing!  A few days later he sent me all of the images and I chose my favorite 10 for him to edit.  Here are the final results, I love them!  

Seeing in photos that even though I have gained some weight, I am still beautiful.  It was exactly what I needed!

I am still working on getting my weight back to a more comfortable place for me, but in the meantime, I am falling in love with me again.  And that's a really great thing  :)

I can’t say enough good things about this experience.  I honestly think everyone should do it!  I use the photos for both business and personal (LOTS of online dating!).

Of course I recommend you set up an appointment and meet with the LDS Matchmaker http://www.theldsmatchmaker.com/  to see what packages she recommends, it’s worth it!

Just Because You're Single, Doesn't Mean You're Broken

Being single is great.

Being single is hard.

Being single is empowering.

Being single is heartbreaking.

All of these statements about being single are accurate.  Being single is not easy.  It has it's perks as well as it's challenges, it's highs and it's lows.

But being single does not make you broken.

Being an LDS woman in her 30's who has never been married is not very common, well unless you live in Utah and then there are literally thousands of women in the same situation.  But even with those thousands of other women, it is easy to feel alone, hopeless and constantly fighting the urge to adopt a large amount of cats and calling them your "babies".

You wonder if you will ever have children.  You start to imagine that monthly your eggs make a mass exodus because they know there isn't any use sticking around anyway.

You dote on your nieces and nephews because A) They are adorable,  B) May be as close as you ever get to having kids, and C) might be your only hope of family taking care of you when you are old and senile and not throwing you in a home.

Maybe these are all things only I think about, but I digress.....

It is so easy for us to see someone and know minimal facts about them and jump to a very simple conclusion (I know I have!).  Single, 30's, something must be wrong with them.

Now don't get me wrong, there are a lot of strange people out there.  There are some people that I have met and within 5 minutes I can say "Oh yea, that's totally why you're single".  But in a land of probably 10,000 mid-singles, these strange ones are few and far between.

The vast majority of women (and men) are attractive, strong in the gospel, hard working and all around amazing people.  They are not broken, or damaged because they aren't married.

You have to remember that Heavenly Father has different timelines for everyone.

I have met so many women, incredible women, who truly think they must be broken.

Please, I beg you, stop thinking this way!

Some of us are meant to marry later in life.  Some of us aren't meant to marry at all.

Have faith in Heavenly Father's plan, including his timing.

And if you ever think you are broken because you are single, just remember Sherri Dew.  She is 62 and has never been married.  And I dare someone to call her broken  ;)

The Top 10 List

In the process of working with my dating coach, one exercise she has had me work on has been particularly helpful;

Creating a Top 10 List

I have always been a very “all inclusive” dater, which I don’t think is a particularly bad thing.  My rule has been, if someone asks me out (unless I feel physically in danger) I will always say yes.  I don’t really have a “Type”, and I love to meet people from all different walks of life.  The downside to this is I tend to be too inclusive.  Time and time again I have let people into my life, despite the red flags (and I mean giant, huge, spotlight on them, can’t be missed red flags).

So Lauren has been working on helping me figure out what qualities in a man I really am looking for.  The entire process has been so eye opening for me and has really helped me focus.  My goal is to date with a purpose and find the man I want to be with.

Now keep in mind, this does not mean “Oh he doesn’t have everything I am looking for on my list, I won’t go out with him”.  I still will say yes to all dates, but instead of dating the guy who I shouldn’t be with for 3 months, it will help remind me of what I truly want.

For most people, having a list is extremely helpful with making sure you let the right guys in.  How many times have we heard someone say “He asked me out, but he’s shorter than I am” or “He has red hair”.  These are things that shouldn’t be deal breakers at the beginning!  Would you really want to turn away the love of your life because they don’t fit every little detail from what you have built up in your mind?? 

This list isn’t set in stone, I can adjust things as they come up.  But for now, here is my list;

1    1.  Hard working in all aspects of life (Work, Church and Family Life)

2    2.  Reliable

3    3.  Humble

4    4.  Strong emotional connection

5    5.  Physically affectionate

6    6.  Good sense of humor/banter

7    7.  Kind

8    8.  Willing to Travel/Sense of Adventure

9    9.  Personal Responsibility (no victim mentality)

1    10.  Open to alternative family options (blended families, possibly adoption etc)

      In the past two months, my list has been revised multiple times.  Some things have been removed altogether, some new things added.  I went on a date a few weeks ago with a man who was the most arrogant person I think I have ever met.  I literally got home and revised my list, and "Humble" jumped up to #3.

By putting it on paper and being so aware of what I am truly looking for, I have been amazed at how those types of people seem to be showing up everywhere I look!  No relationships yet, but I am always hopeful  J

In Defense of the Short Guy

Attention ladies!  There is a fully untapped resource in the dating market full of amazing guys!  You just might have to look a little lower than you originally planned.

That's right, I'm talking about short guys.

Since moving to Utah, I have been amazed at how many attractive, funny, ambitious, spiritual guys I have met.  To so many girls, they are un-dateable because they are under 5'10.  And yes guys, most women consider anything under that height to be "short".

Here in the land of plenty, tall girls abound.  I'm not exactly short at 5'8, and there are tons of girls that are taller than me, some even over 6 foot!  They are also crazy beautiful.

Now in our fantasies about the man we marry, he will be taller than us.  Tall enough that we can wear heels and he is still taller.  This I have found is the equivalent to men wanting a woman with long hair, big boobs and a small waist.

Does this mean that the perfect person for them will have those features?  No, no it does not!  But it's so easy for us to pass by an amazing person because they don't meet an unrealistic expectation.

I can understand where women are coming from.  Especially when you are already tall, it's sexy to be with a man who makes you feel tiny and feminine.  I dated a guy who was 6'5 and I absolutely loved when he would wrap me in his arms and make me feel so safe.  He was also a complete jerk.  Not exactly worth it.

A perfect example is my dear friend Hilary.  Hilary is 5'11.  In the past, she had said she wouldn't even consider dating a guy unless he was at least 6 feet tall.  Then she met Dan.

Dan is 5'8.  A full 3 inches shorter than she is.

Dan is also intelligent, hard working, funny, kind, loyal and just about every amazing quality you could want.  Oh, and super handsome, don't worry Hil, I'm not trying to hit on your man  ;)

They were good friends for about a year before he admitted he had feelings for her.  She decided to give it a shot.  They have now been married for a little over a month!

I asked Hilary what changed her mind about dating a guy who was shorter than her and she said
"I got to the point in my life where the other stuff like drive and niceness were higher on the list than height".

If a guy truly cares about you, the height difference won't bother him either.  She said "He doesn't care.  I have even asked him and he has no concern about it, which makes me totally comfortable too.  He is manly.  He doesn't have to be taller than me to be a manly man that can protect me."

They absolutely adore each other and he treats her like gold.  Isn't that what we are all looking for?

There is only one piece of advice I have for the guys.  I used to date a guy who was about 4 inches shorter than me.  It never bothered me, until he went to hug me goodnight.  Instead of putting his arms around my waist, he would put them around my neck.  It totally made me feel like the guy and I hated it.  Guys, don't do that.

So I ask you tall ladies, give the short guys a chance!

And like my dear aunt says, go ahead and date the shorter guy, because it doesn't matter when you're laying down ;)