Nipples, Speedos and other oddities…

Nipples, Speedos and other oddities…

Yep, you read the title correctly.  It’s my blog and I’ll type what I want  J   As always, a disclaimer.  My thoughts are meant to be humorous and hopefully informative, not hurtful. 

I recently came back from a week long cruise to the Caribbean, and I encountered my fair share of these things.  I had a political science teacher at BYU that I think put it best when he told us “Only 2 percent of the population looks good naked.  This percentage is never the ones who get undressed in public”.

In most daily situations, people spend painstaking amounts of time to make sure their outfits look just right, questioning from every angle does this make me look fat?”.  On vacation though, I have found all of this work goes out the window.  Maybe it’s because they just want to relax.  Maybe it’s because they know the chances of them ever seeing anyone from the trip again is slim to none.  Either way, I’m a little concerned with some of the things I have witnessed. 

I am in no way a fashion guru who spends my time pouring over magazines for the newest look.  The majority of my wardrobe comes from Ross and Old Navy.  I think I own 10 pairs of shoes and can’t even imagine spending more than $30 on a handbag.  Brand labels mean nothing to me.  But there are a few basic rules I try to live by when it comes to how I dress;

1.        If your stomach sticks out more than your boobs, you should not be allowed to wear a tight shirt.

2.       Low rise jeans are a privilege, not a right.  If I have to walk behind you and stare at your jiggling muffin top bulging above your jeans, I’m not going to be happy.

3.       Just because it comes in your size, doesn’t mean you should wear it.

4.       ALWAYS wear a good bra.  I can’t stress this enough.  If you look like you can tuck your boobs into your pants, I will drag you into a store and buy a good bra for you.

5.       Modest is hottest.  If you have to ask “is this too short/tight/low cut” it probably is.

So back to the vacation wear.  I am aware that other countries have a very different take on what to wear to the beach, but some things I still can’t get past.

Speedos –

You could always pick out the Europeans on our cruise because the men were always in speedos.  The interesting thing was these men always looked like they were about 9 months pregnant, what a hot combination.  Add a little back hair into the ensemble and how is a girl to resist???  There a guy with us when we swam with the stingrays that wore a zebra stripe speedo.  Not my favorite, but at least he had some flare.

Some people have argued with me that if a guy has a great body, he can look good in a Speedo.  I beg to differ.  There were two guys on our cruise with amazing bodies, but even they couldn’t convince me that speedos were acceptable pool attire.  The problem is, I would admire these men (aka drool over them) starting with some awesome shoulders, look at those arms, rock hard pecks, a six pack, an incredible V and then “Whoa, what the crap??  Avert your eyes!!”.  Just a little too much information if you catch my drift….

Thongs –

Again, this seems to be a very European thing.  But like my teacher said, the people who look good in those things, aren’t the ones that wear them.  I think the worst I saw was a woman who probably weighed 400 pounds, wearing a thong bikini.  Men in thongs aren’t so great either.   Some things you just can’t unsee. 

Again, let me remind you as someone who recently lost 120 pounds, I am not saying if you are overweight, that you should be shunned to the indoors or constantly covered in a moomoo, far from it.  Every body has flaws.  But you should still take the time to find things that flatter your body type.  Swimming requires a bathing suit.  But there if a difference between seeing a thigh, and seeing giant butt cheeks with some dental floss.

The Wedgie –

Yep, we all get them, there is no avoiding it.  It’s how you get rid of them that some people need to work on.  Once sitting in a lounge chair enjoying the sun, I turn to my left and not 2 feet from my face is a butt and a hand, just going to town.  I swear he worked on his issue for a full minute.  I’m not sure what all was stuck there, but apparently it was glued and took some work.  I didn’t realize that show was part of my on board entertainment.

Bikinis –

First off, I am not a fan of bikinis, on anyone.  Even if I had a rocking body, I wouldn’t wear one.  It’s back to my modest is hottest, for the strength of youth thought process, but that’s a rant for another time.  Most that I saw wearing them didn’t have the body for them, but there were a few I saw that did.  Super cute, great bodies, flirting it up for the men.  Then I overheard a guy ask them how old they were.  FOURTEEN.  Yep 14 years old, freshman in high school.  Little Lolita’s.  I fear for my children.  They will be lucky if I don’t make them wear those dresses the polygamists down in Arizona wear.

One day we were in the ocean, and a woman about 50 years old is floating past me on her back.  Just as I glance down at her, her boob pops out of her bikini top.  Why hello there boob, think you could maybe go back under cover so I can enjoy the water without fear of witnessing another nip slip?  The kicker was, she glances down, notices it, and does nothing.  Just keeps on a swimming.  Not sure that I’m the target audience she was hoping to witness her little show though.

Another thing I noticed, people (ok, mostly men) don’t seem to cut their toenails very often.  You would think that taking a vacation where you will be in sandals the majority of the time might make you want to do a quick trim.  Some people had them so long, I am convinced they use them to climb trees and ward of predators.   Or they were so jagged I wouldn’t be surprised if they used a steak knife to cut them.

So needless to say, I met a lot of interesting and unique people on my trip.  But the one thing I learned is that none of us are perfect.  We should all love ourselves for exactly who we are and what we look like.  Maybe just with a little more clothing on  J

Barbie's Wedding Advice - Also Known As "Things That Make Barbie's Eye Twitch About Weddings"

Barbie's Wedding Advice - Also Known As "Things That Make Barbie's Eye Twitch About Weddings"

I have seen a lot of weddings in my life, and there are some mistakes I see over and over again.  I decided maybe I would share some things I have learned over the years.  And if you are in the market for a wedding planner, check out my website http://www.bchicevents.com/  ;)

1.        Buy the dress you love.  This bears repeating, buy the dress YOU love.  This is your wedding day, and not getting the dress you wanted will forever be a regret.

2.       Spend the money and hire a good photographer.  I can’t stress this enough.  Hardly anyone will remember in 10 years what kind of food you had or what centerpieces you used.  But if the pictures are bad, you will never, ever be able to replace them.  Your wedding is a day you will never get to relive again.  Do yourself a favor and make this a priority.

 3.    Don’t pick your wedding colors from paint samples.  I know, going to Home Depot and grabbing tons of paint samples to find that perfect shade seems like a great idea.  But keep in mind, it will be almost impossible to find that exact color in a fabric. 

4.       Choose a smaller venue.  I don’t care if you are sending out 1000 invitations, don’t have your reception in a stake center.  Choose the smaller building (if you are in Colorado, the Stonegate building in Parker is ideal for receptions).  A basic rule of thumb is, for as many people that you invite (and that are in state), cut that number in half, that’s maybe how many will show up.  The thing to remember about Mormon weddings is that no one comes and stays for the whole time, they filter thru like an open house.  If you expect 180 people and set up seating for that many, you will have maybe half of the tables sat at.  This leaves a lot of unused space and makes the room look empty, plus you double your budget on centerpieces.  Instead, set up seating for 80-100. 

5.       Rent colored table cloths!!  Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t stand white table cloths.  They make every wedding look like every church dinner I have ever been to.  Not to mention, if you are borrowing them from the stake, they can be stained and take forever to get the wrinkles out.  By renting, you can pick your colors and even different fabrics.  This will change the whole look of your reception and will cost less than $200 (normally).  Not to mention that they come pre-pressed, and at the end you just throw them in a bag and return them.

6.       Don’t have any of the guys wear off white shirts.  Even if your dress is cream colored, still have them wear white shirts.  Off white dress shirts just look dirty (I actually heard someone make the comment once that it looked like the groom was wearing a shirt he'd had since the beginning of his mission).  I promise, white will look better in photos and no one will notice it isn’t the same color as your dress.

7.       Have a receiving line!  I know, so many people hate the idea of a receiving line, but I still think it is a must, even if it’s just for 30 minutes.  At Mormon wedding receptions, people come in and out throughout the whole time.  If you are trying to go table to table, people will get missed.  Maybe I am old fashioned, but if I am taking time out of my life, and buying you a present, I expect to at least personally say hello to you and tell you how happy I am for you.

8.       Don’t put your wedding party in the receiving line.  No one really cares who your bridesmaids are, and they don’t care about meeting the guests.  Let’s make this less awkward for everyone and just let them enjoy the reception.

9.       Have 2 receiving lines.  My friends Michelle and Jaci both did this at their receptions, and I recommend it to everyone.  Have a line when people first come in for just the parents.  That way people can stand and talk as long as they like (because we all know that’s where the line gets backed up is at the parents).  Then in a different spot, have just the bride and groom.  Those of us from the singles ward could just bypass the traffic jam and go straight to the people we knew.  I can’t tell you how great this worked!

10.     Hire a wedding planner (I work for cheap, hint hint) or at the very least, have someone be the designated person to answer questions.  A few days before every wedding, the bride and groom get what I call “wedding brain”.  They literally stop being able to form a thought besides “I just want to get married”.  Don’t expect them to be able to answer any questions or give opinions about anything, I promise, they just don’t care anymore.  Have one person who everyone can go to with questions, and leave the couple alone to be in their zombie like state of love.

So there you go, some basic, but I think good advice  :)

You Can Lead a Horse to Water, But You Can't Make Him Party.....

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him party….

I have met far too many people who think “as soon as I get married, my life will begin”.  This thought scares the crap out of me for a few reasons;

1.        I used to think this way.

2.       It means people are putting any fun and personal growth on hold until they meet “the one”

3.       What an incredibly boring way to live your life.

Now don’t get me wrong.  Having the wish to get married is not a bad thing, that is something I want very much.  But the idea that your life won’t begin until that time is bizarre.  Being single is going to be one of the best times of your life, but only if you choose to make it that way.

I was talking with a friend the other day who was struggling with feeling lonely and excluded.  She said to me something along the lines of “But you can’t understand.  You know so many people and are always doing something fun.  It isn’t that easy for me”.  I want to take a few minutes to tell you about myself, some things that I think you will be surprised to know.

I have not always been the loud, overly enthusiastic, requesting guys to take their shirts off, kind of girl you know me as now.  The truth is, I have suffered from depression and social anxiety for the majority of my life.  Growing up, I was very quiet.  I hated school or anything in groups of people.  These situations freaked me out so badly, that I dropped out of public school in 8^th grade.  My mom had to bring in tutors to teach me until she found a small private school I would agree to go to, and when I say small I mean it, my graduating class consisted of 4 people.

Church was always a struggle for me.  I never felt like part of the group or that I had many friends.  I felt strange and like an outcast.  I hated being there (not because of the gospel, but around the people) and rarely went after the age of 12.  I spent the majority of my time inside watching tv with very few friends. 

My mother pulled some strings and was able to get me into the summer session of BYU when I was 18.  This was an interesting experience.  I loved my roommates and remain close with them to this day, but I hated school.  I think I went to church there once, then spent the rest of the time sleeping.  I still felt that feeling of being an outcast and as soon as the semester was over, I headed back to Colorado.

I won’t bore you with the details, but the next few years were a slow process of me figuring out who I was and what talents I had.  I took a retail job and realized I could be good at working with people.  I realized I am naturally a cheerful person.  A huge change came when I started making the decision to come back to church.  This was not an overnight change, it took me several years of two steps forward and one step back.  One of the main factors in my change was three missionaries that befriended me, Elder Zac Engle, Elder Derek Smith and Elder Greg Steele.  It may sound strange, but these were the first guys in my life I had ever truly been friends with.  They built my self esteem in ways I could never imagine, simply by liking me for who I was.

So there I was, back active in the church, but still feeling extremely lonely and out of place.  Our ward felt clicky and I didn’t know what to do.  So one day Crystal Clark was doing my hair and we started talking about how we both felt the same way.  We made the decision that night that we were going to do something about it.  We set out on a mission to make ourselves happy, and to not let anyone feel as bad as we did.

Here are some of the changes we made that made all the difference;

Find a partner in crime.  Going to an activity where you know no one is quite possibly the scariest thing in the world.  My Amazing friend Cassi let me be glued to her hip for about a year so I wouldn’t have to go to things alone.  I am happy to return this favor to people who need it.

Go to all 3 hours of church.  If you show up late, sit in the back and then leave right after sacrament, you cannot complain that no one knows who you are.  Stay for all 3 hours, no matter how awkward it may feel. 

Talk to everyone you can.  I have heard from a lot of people that no one approaches them.  Have you ever stopped to think those people are thinking the same thing?  If all you have the nerve to do is smile at someone, then do that.  Then move up to saying hi.  Choose safe people if that’s easier.  Go up and introduce yourself to the relief society or elders quorum president, I guarantee they will talk to you.  Find someone who is sitting by themselves and ask if you can join them.  Ask them questions and genuinely listen to their answers.  Make sure to repeat and remember their name.  Then the next time you see them, go up and say hi.  Stop thinking everyone needs to approach you, you can do it!

Be proactive!  Ask for an appointment with the Bishop to get to know him.  Let him know you want a calling right away and let him know what you are interested in.  Go to the RS or EQ President and ask them for your home teaching/visiting teaching routes.  Ask what you can do to help in the ward or if there is anyone you can fellowship.

Don’t be a wallflower.  I guarantee, if you go to a dance and stand against the wall looking miserable, or sitting alone in the foyer, you come off as creepy.  People remember the creepy ones and will purposely avoid them in the future.  Instead, find anyone you know and dance with the group.  Don’t worry about looking dumb, people will only remember that you got out there and had a good time.

For one month, go to EVERY single activity.  The only reason you should be missing something is if you have to work or are deathly ill.  Otherwise, go!  That means FHE, institute, sports night and any invitation for a social event you get on FB (and if you are my friend on FB, you know I forward A LOT of invitations).  I guarantee, at the end of the month, you will wonder why you ever felt alone.

The next step is starting to host activities of your own.  Make sure it doesn’t conflict with anything that is already planned.  And the key is to invite EVERYONE.  It can take time to get a good turn out, I have had parties where only 2 people showed up.  If that happens, make the most with the people that are there.  Take the time to get to know them.  And the key is, try it again!

So in conclusion…your singles years can be some of the best of your life!  Make the most of them while you can.  Maybe I am far too aware of this because any day I could get a call saying “hey, you’re old, go to a family ward”.  This idea freaks me out too, but until that happens, I am going to have fun with the YSA every moment I can.

Yep, I’m a Mormon. No, were not as weird as you think…. Ok, some of us are, but not all….

Yep, I’m a Mormon.  No, were not as weird as you think….  Ok, some of us are, but not all….

Hi.  I’m Barbie.  And I’m a Mormon.  As the church begins the next step of its ad campaign to encourage people to ask questions about the church and learn for themselves, I have done a lot of thinking about what it means to me to be a Mormon.  I think there are a lot of misconceptions out there, so I figured I would give my take on it.  As always, my opinion is meant to be humorous and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.  Remember, angels can fly because they take themselves lightly  J

No, I’m not a polygamist.  Mormons haven’t practiced polygamy in over 100 years.  Yes we did practice it for a time.  People ask why.  I do not know the exact reasons, but I do think it was necessary at the time.  The way I look at it, it was during a time when so many people were crossing the plains to get to Utah.  Many people died, leaving so many widows with no one to take care of them.  Polygamy gave those women a spouse.  Is this the doctrinal reason for it?  No, but it’s the way I look at it. 

Does the fact that we used to practice polygamy bother me?  No.  I think having multiple wives would be a great trial.  I don’t think I could ever be apart of that unless my husband wanted to marry more women who really liked to cook and clean and have babies, that way I didn’t have to, haha  J

There are still people who practice polygamy, but they are not members of the Mormon church.  They are people who have broken off from the main religion.  Anyone in the Mormon church who practices polygamy is excommunicated.  It’s as simple as that. 

No, I’m not a die hard republican.  I’m not even a registered Republican for that matter.  Personally, politics bother me.  I don’t get the whole left wing, right wing thing.  I know some republicans that believe abortion should be kept legal.  I know some democrats who don’t believe in legalizing gay marriage.  It’s not cut and dry the way people think it is.  Personally, I vote for who I think is the best candidate.  No, I will not get into a discussion with you about it.  I would rather shove splinters under my fingernails than fight with people about politics.

No, I don’t hate gay people.  I actually quite like gay people, especially gay guys.  They are freaking hilarious.  My personal though is, unless you are trying to sleep with me (which so isn’t gonna happen) then I don’t particularly care who you’re sleeping with.

No, I’m not going to shove my religion down your throat.  I don’t tend to talk about my religion a lot outside of church.  I don’t ever want to alienate anyone.  I know some people feel our missionaries can be pushy.  I can understand that.  I know it must be annoying to get a knock on your door and have two young guys (or girls) want to talk to you about religion.  All I ask is that you are nice to these missionaries.  These people have put their lives on hold for two years, moved away from their family, and are dedicating that time to nothing but service.  If they knock on your door and you don’t want to hear it, just say no thank you and wish them a good day. 

Yes, we believe in the Bible.  Most Mormons have a set of scriptures called “A Quad”.  In this quad are the scriptures we study, which are; The Bible (King James version, both Old and New Testament), The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants and The Pearl of Great Price.  We absolutely believe in the Bible.  The Book of Mormon does not replace the Bible, if anything, it confirms the Bible’s teachings.

Yes, I am a Christian.   This one still boggles my mind.  I am so confused as to why so many people think that Mormons are not Christians.  We believe in the Bible.  We follow the teachings of Christ from the New Testament and the Book of Mormon.  I would think this is the basic definition of being a Christian.  Some people say it is because we do not use crosses.  It’s true, you will not see a Mormon church with a cross on top, or anywhere inside.  We also do not wear them as jewelry.  The reason for this (as I’ve heard it explained before) is because we do not focus on the way Christ was killed, we focus on the atonement and the reason he died.

No, I’m not going to show you my underwear.  It’s true, I’ve had people request to see my “crazy Mormon underwear”.  Granted they were drunk when they asked me, but I digress.  I’m not sure when it became socially acceptable to talk so openly (or ask to see) what people wear under their clothes.  I have no desire to know if the man next to me on the light rail is wearing a blue sequined thong speedo, so I would hope you would give me the same privacy.

Yes, I believe the Book of Mormon is true and that Joseph Smith was a prophet.  I have prayed about it and got my answer.  It’s as basic as that.  No burning bush or angels coming to talk to me.  I just know it’s true.

No one makes me do anything.  I always find it amusing when people say to me “Oh you can’t do that, you’re Mormon”.  The exact opposite is true in face.  I can do anything I damn well please.  If I decided to go to a bar one day and get hammered wearing a bikini and smoking pot, I could.  No one is going to stop me.  The point is, I choose not to.  I have been thru a lot in my life, and I have done some really dumbass things.  But now I’m at a point where I have learned that the “rules” of the church are there to help us, not hinder us.  And I am thankful every day for that.

You don’t have to believe what I believe.  Random thought;  I can’t stand the Howard Stern Show.  I also can’t stand the Rush Limbaugh show.  For two people with such different opinions, you might be surprised to know that I dislike them both for the exact same reason.  I find them both offensive and annoying.  They both try to shove their opinions down your throat with no respect or class.  The mere sound of their voices is enough to make my eye twitch and I’m over come with the desire to rip the stereo out of my car with my bare hands and throw it thru the window.  Because I feel this way, do I protest their shows?  Do I write them hate mail?  Do I insist they are taken off the air?  No.  I simply change the channel if they come on and I don’t listen.

I have met a lot of people and have seen a lot of things on TV with people that hate the Mormons.  People spend mass amounts of their time making anti websites, passing out literature, protesting outside of our meetings and bad mouthing us to anyone who will listen.  This is frustrating and sad to me.  I wish more people would instead of trying to tear others down, looked past our differences and figured out what we have in common.

So there you have it, some random thoughts on what we Mormons believe.  I encourage everyone to visit www.mormon.org and take a look at what they have going on there, it’s pretty incredible.  Or you can always ask me questions if you want  J

Follow Up - The Hot Girl

I had some interesting feedback about my girl labeled "The Hot Girl".  Some people feel I was too hard on her and not very understanding of the situation she might be going thru.  Please keep in mind, my opinion is meant to be comical, not offensive.

I actually had a second part I had originally added to the Hot Girl description, that I decided to edit out last minute because I didn't think it flowed with the piece.  I have included it below.  Enjoy!

Ladies, I have found a secret to making friends with these girls.  Compliment them.  It sounds too easy, and that’s because it is.  I used to suffer from horrible social anxiety, and the thought of talking to people I didn’t know was enough to cause a panic attack.  My slow journey into becoming the overly enthusiastic and outgoing person I am now, was met with many roadblocks by the hot girl.  As soon as I would see them, I would sit in the back and start to be bitter and sad because I wasn’t getting the attention they were.  Why are men so shallow I would think?  So one day I saw one of these incredibly intimidating girls before relief society who was wearing some amazing shoes.  So I decided to go up to her (most of the time if they are not surrounded by guys, they are sitting alone) and just say “wow, those shoes are great!”.  Guess what happened? She looked incredibly surprised, smiled at me, said thank you so much, complimented me back and even asked me to sit with her!  Turns out, those girls tend to be sad because other women never reach out to them. 

Ladies, a challenge for you.  This Sunday, pick the one girl in the ward you are intimidated by or the guys are always surrounding.  Compliment her on something and let me know what happens.

Now this will not always turn out so well.  I have had a few times where I have tried this, and the chick was a jerk.  Or I have befriended these girls and they tend to make comments while we’re hanging out like “It’s so frustrating, I have had four dates already this week and don’t have any time to myself” or “My size 2 jeans are getting tight, I’m such a fatty”.  Hot girls, think before you speak, or I may have to punch you in the throat  J

Dating - Yep, girls are crazy too....

Dating – The Rebuttle.  Don’t worry, girls are crazy too….

**Barbie Note – Yes, I am basing these types off of people that I know or have observed over the years.  If you start freaking out thinking I am talking about you, please remember, I know a lot of people.  I’m also  31, I could be talking about someone I knew 15 years ago.  I am not singling anyone out.  And who knows, maybe I’m referring to myself on each of them.  This post is meant to be funny and maybe an eye opener, but not to point fingers.**

I got some pretty interesting feedback on my last post about dating, and thankfully it wasn’t as much “you suck, leave the guys alone” mail that I was expecting.  The men definitely had a lot to say on the subject which is what compelled me to write a follow up on the piece. 

Dating is hard.  Relationships are really hard.  And sorry ladies, but we really don’t make it much easier on the guys.  Let’s go over some of the types of girls there are out there.

“The Hottie”

Ah, the infamous hottie.  Every ward has at least one of them.  That girl that walks into the room and every guys head turns.  Yep, she’s super pretty.  She also has a 9 out of 10 chance of being completely crazy too.  Most hotties will tell you they have mostly male friends because women don’t get along with them.  This can be very true.  Women are born with a “catty” portion of their brain and it takes a lot of time and skill to keep it off or at the very least set to low.  This kind of woman, cause this portion of our brain to flare up and we tend to instantly dislike them.  A note to the ladies, men hate this catty side of us.  Learn to keep it on low, or “off” if you can!

In the past I have had several hot girl friends.  Sometimes it’s good.  But a lot of times, these girls tend to make comments while we’re hanging out like “It’s so frustrating, I have had four dates already this week and don’t have any time to myself” or “My size 2 jeans are getting tight, I’m such a fatty”.  Hot girls, think before you speak, or I may have to punch you in the throat  J

 “The Wallflower”

Guess what ladies, if a guy doesn’t know you exist, he will never ask  you out.  I remember a few years ago Dr. Phil was talking with women who were frustrated being single.  He asked them, where do you go to meet people?  And most said, well I got to work and then normally come home.  His response was something like “So pretty much, unless a guy throws himself on your car while you are driving, he has no way of meeting you”.  Put yourselves out there!  Go to church, and stay for all three hours.  Go to every activity you can.  Make your presence known! Don’t get me wrong, this does not mean you should put on a show every time he is around, but it’s ok for you to put yourself out there. 

From an email from a guy friend of mine;  “Being proactive and saying ‘hello’ is allowed in the Mormon Dating Manual.  It is the guys responsibility to ask you out, not do everything from first visual contact through carrying you to the alter.”  I loved how he put that. 

Ladies, it’s ok to say hello, ask for their name, etc.  Or if you are too shy to approach him, at least SMILE!  It’s one of the main things they are attracted to.  A smile accompanied by a few seconds of eye contact from across the room, could just be what the guy needs to feel compelled to come talk to you.

“The Leg Humper”

Let me explain this one.  Most people who know me have heard me refer to what I call “Humping My Leg Syndrome”.  This is when I have met a guy who is way too into me.  He is way too excited to see me.  Way too touchy feely.  Texts or calls me way too much.  Way too everything.  In essence, it’s like he’s humping my leg.  I have seen several girls do this to guys as well.  They make a show of trying to get a guys attention to the point where it is embarrassing to everyone around them.  Ladies, back off, let them chase you.  If they are interested, they will ask you out.  And if not, save yourself the embarrassment. 

“The Chameleon”

I have known too many girls who will alter their interests, style of dress, even their personality for a guy they are interested in.  Like if she finds out he likes to hunt, and makes a dress out of camouflage for church the next week.  Ok, so that’s an exaggeration, but it wouldn’t surprise me if that really happened.

Pretending to be their “perfect girl” may work for a while (if it doesn’t come off as creepy as stalkerish, which it very easily can), but what if the relationship gets more serious and you finally have to tell him one day, you don’t really love going to monster truck rallies every weekend, or that you really get frustrated in rush hour traffic and swear like a sailor, but could never let him see that because he only likes quite, timid girls?

Be yourself!  People do not need to have the exact same hobbies to make a relationship work.  If he really loves watching UFC and invites you to come along, try it out once.  But if wasn’t your cup of tea, it’s ok to tell him you didn’t care for it.  Most guys will appreciate that you were willing to try it out once, but that you were honest enough to admit it wasn’t for you.

The “I’m Only Attracted to Douche Bags” Girl

We are all guilty of this one.  How many times have we said we just want a nice guy, but when we get one, we drop him the first second the bad boy on a motorcycle comes along?  Most of the time, bad boys get that reputation for a reason.  I’m not sure if we have all seen too many movies and think we really could get that hot bad boy to settle down for us and we will have a happy wonderful life together with him being a changed man.  Ladies, this rarely happens in real life.  

Unfortunately, it tends to take years of us getting our hearts broken by the bad boy, before we realize he isn’t what we want at all.  Be patient with us guys, we all figure it out eventually.

Defending the “Nice Guy”.  Here is the problem I have found with your typical nice guy.  They let people walk all over them.  But once they get some self confidence and aren’t afraid to stick up for themselves, this is the kind of guy every girl should be praying for.  The guy who does the right thing.  The guy who works hard.  Another quote from my friends email “good guys may not be ‘sexy’ or initially ‘compelling’, but we’re worth your time long term”.  Yes they are!!

“The Intimidator”

I have a friend who time and time again guys have labeled as intimidating.  She is educated, owns her own business, owns a home, is self confident and is strong in the gospel.  What shocks me is that when guys in the church see this combination, they says “she’s intimidating” and don’t even consider asking her out.  The part I don’t understand is how in the church, this kind of girls seems to make men run for the hills.  But outside the church, it seems to be what most men want. 

There is a whole generation of women who all realized that getting married at 22 isn’t going to happen and they better learn to take care of themselves.  Because we have done this for so long, it is really really hard for us to ask for help.  But the ironic thing is, most of us want more than anything to find a man willing to shoulder the responsibility with us!  A man that sees when we are struggling and comes to help, no matter how hard we protest.  Yes, we are Wonder Women and attempt to do it all, but we need a Superman who will support us in the way we need.

What is a girl to do??  Men, I would love some feedback on this…

“The Cooking Slut”

A term from good old BYU (which I went to for one whole semester J).  These were the girls who used their cooking skills to lure boys to their apartments for a free meal, hoping that this demonstration of domestic bliss will trigger then men to think “She can cook!  And she’s cute!  And check out those birthing hips!  Let’s pop out some babies!”.  These are also the girls Elder Oaks was speaking to when he told us to stop giving the boys free meals  J

“The Mean Girl”

Remember how I mentioned above how men hate it when we are catty.  This is worth repeating.  Ladies, men hate when we are catty and sit around bad mouthing other girls!  They find it boring and a waste of time.  Plus it makes it harder for them to hear Sports Center when you keep babbling  J

Everyone knows a mean girl.  It’s that girl who clings to her guy friends, hoping one day their affections will be returned.  But when he finds another girl attractive, the mean girl swoops in telling him any bad thing she can think of to try and dissuade him.  To all the mean girls out there, stop it.  Guys hate when you do that, and they don’t listen to you anyway.  Unless the girl is cheating on him, or will cause him physical harm, butt out.  He doesn’t want to hear that she didn’t invite you to some dinner four years ago, or that you think she gave you a dirty look once.  Try Thumpers motto, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”.

“The Cynic”

This is pretty much the same as the guys “I’m angry and bitter so no one wants to date me, so I’m even more angry and bitter”.  They have had their hearts broken.  They have been passed over by countless guys.  And this has made them made at the world, especially men.  Remember that whole vinegar and honey metaphor?  This applies to you ladies.  The right guy will not pass you by.  But you have to be open to the chance.  I saw a toothpaste commercial the other day that had a tagline I loved, “Life opens up when you do”.  Maybe we should all try it.

Ladies, some advice I have gotten about dating from guys;

·         It’s ok to say hi, let them know who you are

·         Guys can be pretty insecure about asking someone out.  They are expected to get rejected multiple times, then be proactive and do it all over again.  Let’s cut them some slack.

·         Give them a smile, let them know you might be interested

·         Give the nice guys a chance

·         Good looking guys get away with a lot more crap than normal guys, just like girls.

·         Beating down on men and putting all the blame on them isn’t attractive.  Why would they want to sign up for that?

·         They don’t like the crazy girls all that much either.  Since they do get the most attention, they also create stereotypes that sink into most guys minds.

·         Just say no.  Men are more scarred emotionally by the girls that beat around the bush or ignore them.  If you say “You’re a good guy, I’m just not interested”, it shows respect for them and lets them walk away without crushing their self esteem.

·         Stop falling for the guy players.  They can only be players if you play along.

·         Being a player isn’t gender restrictive. 

·         It drives guys crazy that we fall for the hot bad boy, just like we can’t stand that only the models get asked out.  It goes both ways.

Yep, girls are frustrating.  We’ll try to work on it.  But there’s just something about us that keeps you guys coming back  ;)

Dating - Maybe I Should Just Become a Crazy Cat Lady..

Dating – Maybe I’ll just become the crazy cat lady…

I’m single.  I’m Mormon.  And I’m 31.  This triple combination seems to strike fear in any girl under the age of 25.  Well, just about any LDS girl really.  I remember being 18 and thinking “I can’t even imagine being 30 and still single.  That would be so horrible!”.  Oh young, stupid me.  This was also at a time of my life where I wanted a wedding so badly, but I didn’t really think much about the marriage part. 

I am actually grateful to be 31 and single.  No, really, I am.  I have had a bad run of dating some of the biggest losers possible.  If I was married now, that would mean I had married one of them, and I can guarantee that I would also be divorced. 

For the first time in my life, I feel like I am actually ready to move onto the next step.  That marriage, and especially a family, is something I really want.  And not just a wedding (even though, yes, my entire wedding is planned out in my head.  Give me a break, I’m a wedding planner, it’s what I do) but an actual marriage.

So after a lot of self reflection, last week I decided to sign up for an online LDS dating website.  I had signed up for one of these 4 or 5 years ago, but only met some very strange men (ever hear my story about my date with the polygamist?  Yep, he was a winner…) so I gave up on it.  I have faith that this time won’t scar me for life, and who knows, I might even meet someone special.  But, I have some concerns.  I noticed that so many of the guys (online and in the singles ward) can be lumped into specific categories.

The “I will not settle for anything less than a super model” guy;

One of my biggest complaints with singles ward (at least the ones I have been in) is that there seems to be only 3-5 girls that get asked out.  This is not an exaggeration.  I understand that these girls are very, very pretty and seem to have a “wow” factor to the guys.  The amusing thing to me, is these girls “hot to crazy” ratio is way off.  These girls are hot yes, but, they also seem to have a lot of issues (meaning bat $*** crazy).  If an average girl did half of what these girls did, guys wouldn’t even give them the time of day.  I get it, this is just how guys are and always have been, a pretty face and a nice body makes up for a lot apparently, and I’m not trying to change them.  But I swear I will get a migraine from how much I roll my eyes at the situation. 

Since taking the last few years to really try to get to know people, it breaks my heart that I know countless beautiful, strong, smart, spiritual women, who any guy would be lucky to even get a date with, NEVER get asked out.  Guess what buddy, you aren’t a 10 either.  Guys, give these girls a chance!  Ask out someone you normally wouldn’t.  It’s just one date.  They aren’t naming your future children.  If there isn’t a spark, maybe you will make a new friend.  But you never know, she could be the one.

Also, stop being so caught up in them having the perfect body.  This goes for guys and girls!  I was sitting in church a few months ago and one of the speakers was in his 60’s.  I remember thinking, “back when he was our age, I bet he was a hottie".  Not saying I was into the guy, but that looks don’t last forever.  Guys loose their hair, women have kids and get stretch marks.  Our boobs will sag, men will get man boobs.  Concentrate more on finding someone you love to be with and talk to, and be ok with the fact that no one is physically perfect.  I know it’s strange to hear me say this, considering I love to see a hot guy with his shirt off, but the perfect body is not a requirement for me. 

The “I live for the outdoors and idolize Bear Grylls” guy;

I get it, we live in Colorado.  It’s beautiful here and there are a lot of fun things to do outside.  But why is it every guy seems to be obsessed with doing everything outdoor possible, and expect a future wife who will be just as gung ho as they are?  Granted, I am a little biased.  I didn’t grow up in an outdoorsy family, and I dated one of these Bear types several years ago that was so obsessed with these activities, it has forever left a bad taste in my mouth for it.  In the last few years I have learned to enjoy a nice hike, even camping for a night or two.  But my motto is still “pretending I’m homeless is not my idea of a vacation”.  I like the idea of one day buying a camper and a cabin on the lake with my family, but month long trips backpacking in the wilderness, eating berries and peeing in bushes is my idea of hell.

My worry is about how so many of these guys think they must marry a woman who has the same hobbies as they do.  Talking to my sister and her husband about this issue, my brother in law laughs and says “What the heck is a hobby?  You get married, have kids, have callings.  There is no extra time for hobbies.”  He is Elders Quorum President, she is in the Primary Presidency and they have 6 kids.  I think they make a good point.   Hobbies are fine to have, but I don’t think you have to have the exact same as your spouse.

It’s kind of like how some people think you need to listen to the same kind of music.  Please, once you have kids, it’s nothing but Barney and Disney.

The “I’m just having fun” guy;

What is going on with all of these 30 plus year old guys who have no motivation to get a real job and pursue having a family, or at the very least a real relationship?  I know too many who live with their parents (** let me clarify.  Of course there can be valid reasons for some people to live at home.  Going to school, help with family issues etc**) but honestly, if you are 30, have a degree and are not physically disabled, why can you not support yourself?  Hard work is a quality I value more than just about anything.  And if I think you are lazy, I will run as fast as possible the other direction.

Or if they do work, they spend all of their money buying the latest toys, tv’s etc.  Again, maybe I’m the only one who doesn’t like this.  Material things don’t matter much to me.  I’m the girl who doesn’t want a real diamond because I think they are a waste of money, and I know most girls don’t agree with me.

Also, it’s ok to date age appropriately.  So a lot of you will laugh that I am the one saying that considering I’m a bit of a cougar.  I think 10 years above or below my age is acceptable to date.  But when I see these 35 year old guys only hitting on the 18-20 year olds, we have an issue.  These guys that are still living in Provo in their mid to late 30’s and only date girls still in college, yikes.

The “I’m active in church…for the most part” guy;

This goes hand in hand with the “just having fun” guy.  You can tell more about a person by watching how they act then you would by dating them.  Having a guy who does the right thing because he knows he should, not because he is trying to impress someone is a huge factor for me.  I know a lot of guys who go to church either for the social aspect, or because it’s expected of them.  They do just enough to fly under the radar.  This is not the kind of guy I am looking for. 

After thinking about the men I admire in my life, I’ve noticed some things that help them stand out.  Ladies, pay attention to the guys who volunteer to stay after church to collect trash.  Or at the end of a meeting starts putting away chairs and tables without anyone asking them to.  These are quality guys!

The “I won’t make the first move, and she needs to do all the work” guy;

I have one thing to say to these guys.  Grow a pair.

The “I’m angry and bitter so no one wants to date me, which makes me even more angry and bitter” guy;

I’ve been surprised by how many of these guys there are.  I understand, getting your heart broken sucks…a lot.  But if all you want to talk to me about is how bad your ex wife screwed you over, or why women are crazy, you can move right along.  If there is one thing I have learned in my life is you attract more flies with honey than vinegar.  Not sure why I would want to be attracting flies, but I digress. 

Think about it, at a party, are you more drawn to the person sitting in the corner alone with a “screw you” look on their face, or the person who is up talking, laughing and enjoying themselves?  Crap happens, it sucks, but deal with it, learn what you can, and move on.  There is a big amazing world out there with some incredible people you could be sharing it with!

So what is it I’m looking for you ask?  Well, maybe you weren’t even thinking that, but I’m going to tell you anyway.

There are 3 requirements I have before I will get into a relationship with someone.  He needs to have;

1.       A Job

2.       A Car

3.       A current temple recommend

You would be surprised at how difficult this is to find.  Some people disagree with my requirements, they think they are too strict (no really, I’ve had guys tell me my expectations are too high), but I stand by them.  If he has those three things, then we’ll see where it goes and if the chemistry is there.

So wish me luck as I pursue that next step.  And if you have someone you want to set me up with, I’m open to it  ;)