Dating: The two main things that irritate me...

Dating:  The two main things that irritate me

I have spent the last few years deeply involved in the singles world.  I’ve learned a lot of things to do, and not to do, but by no means do I consider myself an expert.  There are two main things in the LDS dating scene that drive me crazy and personally I think are the biggest issues we face today.

Issue #1 - LDS guys are not aggressive enough, if at all.

Now I know not everyone will agree with me.  They will say “hey, I am or know lots of guys who are aggressive in pursuing life, careers, relationships etc.  That’s true, there are lots of them.  And guess what?  They’re married.  I’m talking about the LDS guys who are single over the age of 26, the selection that I have.  For some reason, so many of these guys are content with waiting to see what happens, or what I see far too often, why should they put out the effort when the girls pursue them?  Or they have been rejected or had their hearts crushed too many times and they don’t see the point in putting in the effort anymore.

I decided to brave a mid-singles activity a few weeks ago, and I ended up having a really good time and meeting some cool people.  The activity was dance lessons and we were going to learn the cha-cha.  The instructor was great and after he taught us a new move, he wanted us to switch partners.  The first time he did this, we all stood there like deer in head lights.  I know I was thinking “Do I go ask someone to dance?  Does he?”.  He saw our confusion and then said something that really resonated with me.  He said “Gentlemen!  It always has, and always will be your responsibility to ask a lady to dance!  So go find a partner!”  After that, it was smooth sailing.  There were more women than men, so for some moves there were women without a partner.  But it was ok, because if someone wanted to dance with us, we knew they would ask.  I remember being so relieved when he said this because it took the pressure off of me to use my outgoing personality to make something happen.

But afterwards I got to thinking.  Why, in a room of adults over the age of 30, people who own homes, have careers etc, did it have to be clarified that the men needed to be the ones to pursue the women?  Isn’t this common knowledge?  Men naturally want to chase, so when did it become the norm that this no longer happens?

One theory a friend of mine has is that the longer a man goes without sex, his brain starts to function improperly.  I think she may have a point.  When we have a bunch of 28 year old virgins wandering around, I really think the pistons aren’t all firing correctly.  Men need sex pretty much to function.  Does this mean that I think all those guys should go out and bone someone just to get their brains back on track?  Not at all, but I think it explains some of the weirdness  J

Another problem that I think has come into play is that women have become too aggressive.  I am a perfect example of this.  We have become so liberated and independent (which do not get me wrong, this is not a bad thing in most things), we have chosen to take the “I’m not going to sit around and wait, I’m going to make things happen” concept full force into our dating lives.  We are making all the moves, asking them out, pursuing them, calling them first.  I think this is backfiring for us in two main ways.

1.       The guys have gotten lazy.  Why should they pursue anyone, when we will do all the work for them?

2.       We are doing ourselves a disservice by settling for a guy who isn’t willing to work for us.

Pretty much all of my life I have been what I refer to as a “place holder”.  I have dated nothing but guys who are with me until someone better comes along.  I have had my heart crushed each time, but looking back, I realize I went thru that hard time because I let it happen.  I lowered my self worth just to feel good for a short time to be with someone.  I also realized each time, I had pursued them.  The other lesson I have learned from this is that no matter how hard you try, if the guy doesn’t truly want to be with you, he won’t.  Stop trying to force him.

The irony to being a self confident, independent woman, is that there is nothing I want more than to be with a man who will take charge and be, well, a man.  Someone who will ask me out, and put some thought into planning a date.  Someone who does the right thing because he knows it’s what he should do, not because he knows someone is watching him and he wants to impress them.  Someone who knows I am fully capable of opening a door, but wants to do it for me as a sign of respect.  Someone who if he wants to be with me, will do what it takes to chase me and let me know that I’m wanted.  And someone who knows that the best way to get me to shut up when I am being a pain in the butt is to kiss me  J

There are some guys who are very good at pursuing women.  They talk to everyone and date a lot.  Unfortunately, these guys are quickly labeled as “players”.  I don’t think this is fair to them.  All of us should be players, dating a lot and getting to know everyone possible until you meet someone you want to be in an exclusive relationship with.  And don’t assume that they are only dating you until you have had a DTR (define the relationship).  Everyone should be free game until some sort of commitment happens. 

So ladies, let’s stop being the pursuers.  Stop asking the guys on dates, let them ask us!  There is nothing wrong with introducing yourself to them, but let them take the lead from there.  And if they don’t do anything, it’s ok!  We deserve to be with men who truly want to be with us!

But guys, this means you have to step up to the plate  J

Now this leads me to my other issue with dating….

Issue #2 – Girls should not be saying no to a date.

Sorry ladies, but unless you feel scared for your safety, you should never say no to a first date with someone.  I don’t care if he isn’t your type, too tall, too short, has a hump on his back, tucks his shirt into his shorts (a real reason a girl I knew said no to a date) or whatever reason you come up with.  Everyone deserves a chance. 

My real opinion is that you should go out with someone three times before deciding if you want to pursue something, but for now I’ll leave it at the one date rule.

I can’t tell you how many amazing couples I know, that when they first started going out, she wasn’t interested.  She thought he was mean, or strange, or boring etc.  But after a few dates, he kept pursuing (back to my earlier point) and then she realized this was the one guy she couldn’t live without.  But she never would have gotten to that point if she hadn’t given him a chance.

Not to mention, it takes a lot of guts to ask someone out.  I have been surprised in the last year by the feedback I have gotten from guys about my blog, and how many times I hear “you can only get turned down for a date so many times before it starts affecting your confidence”.

What’s the worst that can happen?  You get a free meal, and if it’s really bad you will have a good story to tell (which in my opinion is awesome).  And who knows, you could meet someone really special.

So guys, be MEN!  And girls, show appreciation to the guys who step up to the plate  J

Kissing... Are we saints? Or are we sluts?

Kissing:  Are we saints?  Or are we sluts?

A little background for my non-Mormon readers out there.  Mormons don’t believe in sex before marriage, so instead, some have what is called a NCMO (pronounced nick-moe) or Non Committal Make Out.  Basically a Mormon version of friends with benefits or a one night stand.

Ah, the good ol’ NCMO.  I have had my fair share in my life, but it is something I don’t do anymore.  But during the time that I did, I definitely had some interesting experiences.  I have been told by many people that when it comes to physical relationships that I think like a guy, a kind of douchie guy in fact.  I am able to disconnect from any emotional attachment if I choose to and can just have fun.  Yes, I am aware this is not a good or a normal thing, it’s one of the reasons I won’t make out anymore.  Or kiss without being in a relationship for that matter, but that’s a blog for another time. 

Whether or not you participate in a NCMO isn’t up to me.  I do know, it can be asking for trouble if you do.  One of my favorite things I ever heard from a Bishop was “back rubs in the front room lead to front rubs in the back room”.  Not saying that every make out session will lead to Levi Lovin’ or Zipper Sparking, but it certainly can, or even go further.  But there are some upsides to it as well.  You can learn a lot about yourself.  I am not one that thinks that you should wait until your wedding day before you kiss each other.  The idea of waiting all that time is just too much going 0 to 60 in about 2 seconds.  Not to mention, I would think that once most people get married, the days of long make out sessions are over.  But again, that could just be my guy brain talking.

If you choose to wait until your wedding to kiss each other, more power to you.  I just worry it will end up looking something like this…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCv3c_DWhq0

Seriously hun, next time you kiss him, try less chewing….

Back to NCMO’s.  I don’t like being lead on and I appreciate the same from others, so I tend to put things out there, which can at times result in some interesting reactions.  The last guy I made out with, I was pretty straightforward with.  Before he kissed me I stopped him and made sure we were on the same page.  I told him that he was leaving for school soon and we wouldn’t be dating.  In that case, it was fine for us to make out, but in no way did it mean we were in a relationship.  We were both free to date other people and if it caused jealousy on either side, any physical contact would be stopped asap.  Needless to say, he was more than a little surprised by my approach.  He then told me I was the coolest girl ever (aww thanks) and thanked me for being so upfront and not causing drama like most girls.  Yep, I think like a guy.  Something I’m working on changing, not to be more crazy like some girls, but more feminine.

The funny thing about me is that I don’t really care for French kissing.  Most argue that I just haven’t kissed enough guys.  Let me assure you, that is not the case.  Some also say that I just haven’t kissed the right guy.  Again I disagree.  I have had kissed some very skilled guys in the frenching department.  Who knows, maybe I am the probelm.  I have never claimed to be a good kisser, I just know what I like.  But to me, I just find it more alluring to have very little tongue involved, if any.  Just my thought, feel free to disagree with me  J

There used to be a show on VH1 called “The Pick Up Artist”.  It was a guy who used to be super nerdy, but learned how to be confident in himself (ok, sometimes he got a little outlandish for my taste) and found out the secret to meeting women.  He had an episode about how to kiss and some of the best advice was that you should go a minimum of 30 seconds into a kiss without any tongue.  He also did this move called the C, super hot.  If I can find a clip of it, I will post it on Facebook.  I thought the show was something every guy should watch anyway, it had some great tips that really do work.

What I have experienced is lots of very bad and even bizarre kisses.  Let me tell you what I mean;

The Dead Slug Tongue

I didn’t kiss anyone until I was 17.  He was driving me back from our date and while stopped at a light, he lays one on me.  He then puts his tongue in my mouth, but doesn’t move it, at all!  It literally was like a big dead slug in my mouth.  He also was a smoker (this was while I wasn’t active) and had a beer at dinner (which personally I think tastes and smells disgusting) so it tasted awful.  At this point I was still an extremely shy girl and had little experience with guys, but even I knew this is not how this should go.  Since he was older (he was 28, don’t judge me) I figured he knew what he was doing.  But after a bit, he still hadn’t moved it!  At this point I just wanted it out, so I kind of flopped my tongue around trying to push his out of my mouth, to no avail.  Thankfully the light changed and the car behind us started honking, and he finally released me from my torture.  Then he looked at me and said “mmm, that was good”.  Good??  Seriously?  All I wanted then was to get out of the car and get some Listerine.

The Lazy Kisser

I have a theory that pretty boys are bad kissers.  I have yet to be proven wrong on this.  The only time it came close was the best looking guy I have ever kissed was a great kisser.  But, until a few years earlier, he had been 100 pounds heavier.  In my opinion, this doesn’t count.  When I say pretty boys, I mean those model looking guys who have never had to try with women, they have always had them flock to them.  Because of this, they have never had to craft their skill, instead, they just assume everything they do is golden.  A lot of these guys are lazy kissers.  The ones that sit there and expect you to do all the work.  Or ask you to move your head so they can watch Sports Center.  Haha, I kid, but I wouldn’t put it past them  J

The Tongue Darter

Some guys have the technique of darting their tongue in and out of your mouth super fast.  Makes me want to slip them some Ritalin just to get them to calm the heck down.

The Lip Sucker

I’m all for a good lip nibble, even a light suck on the lower lip.  But I have had guys who suck on my lower lip so hard it feels like I have a wet vac stuck on it.  Or some even take both lips at the same time and suck on them, again giving the vacuum effect.  Where these guys learn these techniques is beyond me.

The Talker

Maybe I’m just “a little less talk and a lot more action” kind of gal, but talking while making out just doesn’t seem like a good combination.  And let me be clear, not kiss for a bit, then stop and talk, then kiss for a bit.  I mean, trying to talk WHILE kissing.  One guy would literally be kissing me, and while his mouth was open, he would ask me questions.  And nothing sexy, it was always like “did you see that new Johnny Depp movie?  I thought it was good”.  But because of what he was doing, it sounded like he was talking with a mouth full of marbles.  I had to try to figure out A) what the heck was going on, and B) try to decipher what he was saying.  I am all about multi tasking, but this is one circumstance that it wasn’t well received.

Mr. Saliva

I get it, our mouths produce saliva, but some produce more than others.  I have kissed people where after I have thought “Why is my eyelid wet?”.  Why do some feel the need to take your entire face in their mouth?  Again, not sexy people, less is more.  This leads us into one of my most bizarre kissing experiences…

He licked What????

One guy was kind of a sweet kisser.  Then he started kissing my cheek, up to my temple, and then….he licked my forehead.  Yep, really.  He stuck out his tongue and licked from one side of my forehead to the other.  At this point I had no idea what to do.  So I kissed him for another minute, made some excuse about getting up early the next day and pushed him out the door.  The really crazy thing was, a few weeks later, I saw the exact same thing happen on a Sex and the City repeat.  My only guess is he saw that one part and assumed it was something girls liked, but changed the channel before he saw them talking about how bizarre and gross it was.

Tongue in the Ear

My all time biggest complaint about kissing is when a guy puts his tongue in your ear.  And not a light playing with your earlobe.  Nope, I mean trying to jam his tongue into the opening in your ear.  I am not sure why you are attempting to lick my eardrum, but you are going to need to stop before I punch you in the throat.  The worst part is the noise.  All you hear is what can best be described as slurping noises coming thru a blow horn.  And this has not been an isolated incident, it has happened with multiple people!  Is there honestly some girl out there who likes this, and tells guys they should do it?  Please guys, cease and desist. 

Yep, those are just a few of the interesting experiences I have had.  At least I can say my life is rarely boring.  Right now, I will just stick with my no kissing rule and try to find a good guy  J

The Great Toilet Seat Debate

The Great Toilet Seat Debate

In all of the many differences between the sexes, there is one argument I have never understood: women insisting that men put the toilet seat down.

I was at a party once when a girl rushed out of the bathroom, screeching like a banshee, insisting to know which guy had the nerve to use the bathroom and leave the toilet set up.  This made me think two things:

1.        Is it really that difficult to put the toilet seat down on your own?

2.       It’s a good thing you are hot, because you are freaking crazy

 

I’m not exactly a bra burning feminist, well in fact I would never burn my bra (this puppy keeps the girls looking good) but it kind of makes my eye twitch to hear women act like if this isn’t done he will be an outcast and deemed disgusting to society.  Most of you are probably shaking your heads thinking “well you must never have lived with men”.  Actually I grew up with 2 older brothers and half the time was at my dads house so I know the joy that is sharing a bathroom with boys. 

The most common argument I hear is that women will fall in if they leave it up.  Really?  Is it really that difficult for you to take 1/8 of a second and glance at the toilet before you sit down?  Do you routinely expose your naked hiney to whatever just happens to be there? 

Some say men should lower the seat because it’s polite.  Well if that is the case, wouldn’t it be just as polite for us to lift the toilet seat up when we are done?  The only time I can see this being something men should do, is if she has just had a baby.  New mothers (and fathers too really) get so tired and become like walking zombies.  Once my sister peed on a book of mine because she was so tired.  Let me explain.  They had a counter behind the toilet and she kept books and magazines there (our family is all bathroom readers).  One night she went to the bathroom without turning on the light, and also not realizing that a book (that she had borrowed from me) had fallen in the toilet, subsequently getting peed on.  She didn't even realize what had happened until the morning.  The poor thing was so exhausted, I didn't even mind (not that I kept it or anything, of course I threw it away).

Now don’t misunderstand me.  I’m not saying that men are the victims.  Boys have very different bathroom habits than women.  My sister has four boys and watching them be potty trained was a unique experience.  There were times I would go in the bathroom and think “how on earth did they get pee on the ceiling??”.  They are like little fire hoses and sometimes I am just grateful it makes it in the toilet at all.  I know a woman who got so sick of the mess that she makes her boys, including her husband, sit down to pee.  Maybe a little too emasculating for my taste, but I can see where she’s coming from.

I just beg, can we all stop putting the fuzzy lid covers on the toilets?  Why people think that attempting to disguise your toilet as a muppet makes it any more appealing is beyond me. 

So who wins?  Men?  Women?  Well in my opinion, neither.  I personally hate the way a toilet looks when the lid is up, so what if everyone just puts the lid down?  That way it isn’t just one persons responsibility, we all get to share in the love  J

Nipples, Speedos and other oddities…

Nipples, Speedos and other oddities…

Yep, you read the title correctly.  It’s my blog and I’ll type what I want  J   As always, a disclaimer.  My thoughts are meant to be humorous and hopefully informative, not hurtful. 

I recently came back from a week long cruise to the Caribbean, and I encountered my fair share of these things.  I had a political science teacher at BYU that I think put it best when he told us “Only 2 percent of the population looks good naked.  This percentage is never the ones who get undressed in public”.

In most daily situations, people spend painstaking amounts of time to make sure their outfits look just right, questioning from every angle does this make me look fat?”.  On vacation though, I have found all of this work goes out the window.  Maybe it’s because they just want to relax.  Maybe it’s because they know the chances of them ever seeing anyone from the trip again is slim to none.  Either way, I’m a little concerned with some of the things I have witnessed. 

I am in no way a fashion guru who spends my time pouring over magazines for the newest look.  The majority of my wardrobe comes from Ross and Old Navy.  I think I own 10 pairs of shoes and can’t even imagine spending more than $30 on a handbag.  Brand labels mean nothing to me.  But there are a few basic rules I try to live by when it comes to how I dress;

1.        If your stomach sticks out more than your boobs, you should not be allowed to wear a tight shirt.

2.       Low rise jeans are a privilege, not a right.  If I have to walk behind you and stare at your jiggling muffin top bulging above your jeans, I’m not going to be happy.

3.       Just because it comes in your size, doesn’t mean you should wear it.

4.       ALWAYS wear a good bra.  I can’t stress this enough.  If you look like you can tuck your boobs into your pants, I will drag you into a store and buy a good bra for you.

5.       Modest is hottest.  If you have to ask “is this too short/tight/low cut” it probably is.

So back to the vacation wear.  I am aware that other countries have a very different take on what to wear to the beach, but some things I still can’t get past.

Speedos –

You could always pick out the Europeans on our cruise because the men were always in speedos.  The interesting thing was these men always looked like they were about 9 months pregnant, what a hot combination.  Add a little back hair into the ensemble and how is a girl to resist???  There a guy with us when we swam with the stingrays that wore a zebra stripe speedo.  Not my favorite, but at least he had some flare.

Some people have argued with me that if a guy has a great body, he can look good in a Speedo.  I beg to differ.  There were two guys on our cruise with amazing bodies, but even they couldn’t convince me that speedos were acceptable pool attire.  The problem is, I would admire these men (aka drool over them) starting with some awesome shoulders, look at those arms, rock hard pecks, a six pack, an incredible V and then “Whoa, what the crap??  Avert your eyes!!”.  Just a little too much information if you catch my drift….

Thongs –

Again, this seems to be a very European thing.  But like my teacher said, the people who look good in those things, aren’t the ones that wear them.  I think the worst I saw was a woman who probably weighed 400 pounds, wearing a thong bikini.  Men in thongs aren’t so great either.   Some things you just can’t unsee. 

Again, let me remind you as someone who recently lost 120 pounds, I am not saying if you are overweight, that you should be shunned to the indoors or constantly covered in a moomoo, far from it.  Every body has flaws.  But you should still take the time to find things that flatter your body type.  Swimming requires a bathing suit.  But there if a difference between seeing a thigh, and seeing giant butt cheeks with some dental floss.

The Wedgie –

Yep, we all get them, there is no avoiding it.  It’s how you get rid of them that some people need to work on.  Once sitting in a lounge chair enjoying the sun, I turn to my left and not 2 feet from my face is a butt and a hand, just going to town.  I swear he worked on his issue for a full minute.  I’m not sure what all was stuck there, but apparently it was glued and took some work.  I didn’t realize that show was part of my on board entertainment.

Bikinis –

First off, I am not a fan of bikinis, on anyone.  Even if I had a rocking body, I wouldn’t wear one.  It’s back to my modest is hottest, for the strength of youth thought process, but that’s a rant for another time.  Most that I saw wearing them didn’t have the body for them, but there were a few I saw that did.  Super cute, great bodies, flirting it up for the men.  Then I overheard a guy ask them how old they were.  FOURTEEN.  Yep 14 years old, freshman in high school.  Little Lolita’s.  I fear for my children.  They will be lucky if I don’t make them wear those dresses the polygamists down in Arizona wear.

One day we were in the ocean, and a woman about 50 years old is floating past me on her back.  Just as I glance down at her, her boob pops out of her bikini top.  Why hello there boob, think you could maybe go back under cover so I can enjoy the water without fear of witnessing another nip slip?  The kicker was, she glances down, notices it, and does nothing.  Just keeps on a swimming.  Not sure that I’m the target audience she was hoping to witness her little show though.

Another thing I noticed, people (ok, mostly men) don’t seem to cut their toenails very often.  You would think that taking a vacation where you will be in sandals the majority of the time might make you want to do a quick trim.  Some people had them so long, I am convinced they use them to climb trees and ward of predators.   Or they were so jagged I wouldn’t be surprised if they used a steak knife to cut them.

So needless to say, I met a lot of interesting and unique people on my trip.  But the one thing I learned is that none of us are perfect.  We should all love ourselves for exactly who we are and what we look like.  Maybe just with a little more clothing on  J

Barbie's Wedding Advice - Also Known As "Things That Make Barbie's Eye Twitch About Weddings"

Barbie's Wedding Advice - Also Known As "Things That Make Barbie's Eye Twitch About Weddings"

I have seen a lot of weddings in my life, and there are some mistakes I see over and over again.  I decided maybe I would share some things I have learned over the years.  And if you are in the market for a wedding planner, check out my website http://www.bchicevents.com/  ;)

1.        Buy the dress you love.  This bears repeating, buy the dress YOU love.  This is your wedding day, and not getting the dress you wanted will forever be a regret.

2.       Spend the money and hire a good photographer.  I can’t stress this enough.  Hardly anyone will remember in 10 years what kind of food you had or what centerpieces you used.  But if the pictures are bad, you will never, ever be able to replace them.  Your wedding is a day you will never get to relive again.  Do yourself a favor and make this a priority.

 3.    Don’t pick your wedding colors from paint samples.  I know, going to Home Depot and grabbing tons of paint samples to find that perfect shade seems like a great idea.  But keep in mind, it will be almost impossible to find that exact color in a fabric. 

4.       Choose a smaller venue.  I don’t care if you are sending out 1000 invitations, don’t have your reception in a stake center.  Choose the smaller building (if you are in Colorado, the Stonegate building in Parker is ideal for receptions).  A basic rule of thumb is, for as many people that you invite (and that are in state), cut that number in half, that’s maybe how many will show up.  The thing to remember about Mormon weddings is that no one comes and stays for the whole time, they filter thru like an open house.  If you expect 180 people and set up seating for that many, you will have maybe half of the tables sat at.  This leaves a lot of unused space and makes the room look empty, plus you double your budget on centerpieces.  Instead, set up seating for 80-100. 

5.       Rent colored table cloths!!  Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t stand white table cloths.  They make every wedding look like every church dinner I have ever been to.  Not to mention, if you are borrowing them from the stake, they can be stained and take forever to get the wrinkles out.  By renting, you can pick your colors and even different fabrics.  This will change the whole look of your reception and will cost less than $200 (normally).  Not to mention that they come pre-pressed, and at the end you just throw them in a bag and return them.

6.       Don’t have any of the guys wear off white shirts.  Even if your dress is cream colored, still have them wear white shirts.  Off white dress shirts just look dirty (I actually heard someone make the comment once that it looked like the groom was wearing a shirt he'd had since the beginning of his mission).  I promise, white will look better in photos and no one will notice it isn’t the same color as your dress.

7.       Have a receiving line!  I know, so many people hate the idea of a receiving line, but I still think it is a must, even if it’s just for 30 minutes.  At Mormon wedding receptions, people come in and out throughout the whole time.  If you are trying to go table to table, people will get missed.  Maybe I am old fashioned, but if I am taking time out of my life, and buying you a present, I expect to at least personally say hello to you and tell you how happy I am for you.

8.       Don’t put your wedding party in the receiving line.  No one really cares who your bridesmaids are, and they don’t care about meeting the guests.  Let’s make this less awkward for everyone and just let them enjoy the reception.

9.       Have 2 receiving lines.  My friends Michelle and Jaci both did this at their receptions, and I recommend it to everyone.  Have a line when people first come in for just the parents.  That way people can stand and talk as long as they like (because we all know that’s where the line gets backed up is at the parents).  Then in a different spot, have just the bride and groom.  Those of us from the singles ward could just bypass the traffic jam and go straight to the people we knew.  I can’t tell you how great this worked!

10.     Hire a wedding planner (I work for cheap, hint hint) or at the very least, have someone be the designated person to answer questions.  A few days before every wedding, the bride and groom get what I call “wedding brain”.  They literally stop being able to form a thought besides “I just want to get married”.  Don’t expect them to be able to answer any questions or give opinions about anything, I promise, they just don’t care anymore.  Have one person who everyone can go to with questions, and leave the couple alone to be in their zombie like state of love.

So there you go, some basic, but I think good advice  :)

You Can Lead a Horse to Water, But You Can't Make Him Party.....

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him party….

I have met far too many people who think “as soon as I get married, my life will begin”.  This thought scares the crap out of me for a few reasons;

1.        I used to think this way.

2.       It means people are putting any fun and personal growth on hold until they meet “the one”

3.       What an incredibly boring way to live your life.

Now don’t get me wrong.  Having the wish to get married is not a bad thing, that is something I want very much.  But the idea that your life won’t begin until that time is bizarre.  Being single is going to be one of the best times of your life, but only if you choose to make it that way.

I was talking with a friend the other day who was struggling with feeling lonely and excluded.  She said to me something along the lines of “But you can’t understand.  You know so many people and are always doing something fun.  It isn’t that easy for me”.  I want to take a few minutes to tell you about myself, some things that I think you will be surprised to know.

I have not always been the loud, overly enthusiastic, requesting guys to take their shirts off, kind of girl you know me as now.  The truth is, I have suffered from depression and social anxiety for the majority of my life.  Growing up, I was very quiet.  I hated school or anything in groups of people.  These situations freaked me out so badly, that I dropped out of public school in 8^th grade.  My mom had to bring in tutors to teach me until she found a small private school I would agree to go to, and when I say small I mean it, my graduating class consisted of 4 people.

Church was always a struggle for me.  I never felt like part of the group or that I had many friends.  I felt strange and like an outcast.  I hated being there (not because of the gospel, but around the people) and rarely went after the age of 12.  I spent the majority of my time inside watching tv with very few friends. 

My mother pulled some strings and was able to get me into the summer session of BYU when I was 18.  This was an interesting experience.  I loved my roommates and remain close with them to this day, but I hated school.  I think I went to church there once, then spent the rest of the time sleeping.  I still felt that feeling of being an outcast and as soon as the semester was over, I headed back to Colorado.

I won’t bore you with the details, but the next few years were a slow process of me figuring out who I was and what talents I had.  I took a retail job and realized I could be good at working with people.  I realized I am naturally a cheerful person.  A huge change came when I started making the decision to come back to church.  This was not an overnight change, it took me several years of two steps forward and one step back.  One of the main factors in my change was three missionaries that befriended me, Elder Zac Engle, Elder Derek Smith and Elder Greg Steele.  It may sound strange, but these were the first guys in my life I had ever truly been friends with.  They built my self esteem in ways I could never imagine, simply by liking me for who I was.

So there I was, back active in the church, but still feeling extremely lonely and out of place.  Our ward felt clicky and I didn’t know what to do.  So one day Crystal Clark was doing my hair and we started talking about how we both felt the same way.  We made the decision that night that we were going to do something about it.  We set out on a mission to make ourselves happy, and to not let anyone feel as bad as we did.

Here are some of the changes we made that made all the difference;

Find a partner in crime.  Going to an activity where you know no one is quite possibly the scariest thing in the world.  My Amazing friend Cassi let me be glued to her hip for about a year so I wouldn’t have to go to things alone.  I am happy to return this favor to people who need it.

Go to all 3 hours of church.  If you show up late, sit in the back and then leave right after sacrament, you cannot complain that no one knows who you are.  Stay for all 3 hours, no matter how awkward it may feel. 

Talk to everyone you can.  I have heard from a lot of people that no one approaches them.  Have you ever stopped to think those people are thinking the same thing?  If all you have the nerve to do is smile at someone, then do that.  Then move up to saying hi.  Choose safe people if that’s easier.  Go up and introduce yourself to the relief society or elders quorum president, I guarantee they will talk to you.  Find someone who is sitting by themselves and ask if you can join them.  Ask them questions and genuinely listen to their answers.  Make sure to repeat and remember their name.  Then the next time you see them, go up and say hi.  Stop thinking everyone needs to approach you, you can do it!

Be proactive!  Ask for an appointment with the Bishop to get to know him.  Let him know you want a calling right away and let him know what you are interested in.  Go to the RS or EQ President and ask them for your home teaching/visiting teaching routes.  Ask what you can do to help in the ward or if there is anyone you can fellowship.

Don’t be a wallflower.  I guarantee, if you go to a dance and stand against the wall looking miserable, or sitting alone in the foyer, you come off as creepy.  People remember the creepy ones and will purposely avoid them in the future.  Instead, find anyone you know and dance with the group.  Don’t worry about looking dumb, people will only remember that you got out there and had a good time.

For one month, go to EVERY single activity.  The only reason you should be missing something is if you have to work or are deathly ill.  Otherwise, go!  That means FHE, institute, sports night and any invitation for a social event you get on FB (and if you are my friend on FB, you know I forward A LOT of invitations).  I guarantee, at the end of the month, you will wonder why you ever felt alone.

The next step is starting to host activities of your own.  Make sure it doesn’t conflict with anything that is already planned.  And the key is to invite EVERYONE.  It can take time to get a good turn out, I have had parties where only 2 people showed up.  If that happens, make the most with the people that are there.  Take the time to get to know them.  And the key is, try it again!

So in conclusion…your singles years can be some of the best of your life!  Make the most of them while you can.  Maybe I am far too aware of this because any day I could get a call saying “hey, you’re old, go to a family ward”.  This idea freaks me out too, but until that happens, I am going to have fun with the YSA every moment I can.

Yep, I’m a Mormon. No, were not as weird as you think…. Ok, some of us are, but not all….

Yep, I’m a Mormon.  No, were not as weird as you think….  Ok, some of us are, but not all….

Hi.  I’m Barbie.  And I’m a Mormon.  As the church begins the next step of its ad campaign to encourage people to ask questions about the church and learn for themselves, I have done a lot of thinking about what it means to me to be a Mormon.  I think there are a lot of misconceptions out there, so I figured I would give my take on it.  As always, my opinion is meant to be humorous and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.  Remember, angels can fly because they take themselves lightly  J

No, I’m not a polygamist.  Mormons haven’t practiced polygamy in over 100 years.  Yes we did practice it for a time.  People ask why.  I do not know the exact reasons, but I do think it was necessary at the time.  The way I look at it, it was during a time when so many people were crossing the plains to get to Utah.  Many people died, leaving so many widows with no one to take care of them.  Polygamy gave those women a spouse.  Is this the doctrinal reason for it?  No, but it’s the way I look at it. 

Does the fact that we used to practice polygamy bother me?  No.  I think having multiple wives would be a great trial.  I don’t think I could ever be apart of that unless my husband wanted to marry more women who really liked to cook and clean and have babies, that way I didn’t have to, haha  J

There are still people who practice polygamy, but they are not members of the Mormon church.  They are people who have broken off from the main religion.  Anyone in the Mormon church who practices polygamy is excommunicated.  It’s as simple as that. 

No, I’m not a die hard republican.  I’m not even a registered Republican for that matter.  Personally, politics bother me.  I don’t get the whole left wing, right wing thing.  I know some republicans that believe abortion should be kept legal.  I know some democrats who don’t believe in legalizing gay marriage.  It’s not cut and dry the way people think it is.  Personally, I vote for who I think is the best candidate.  No, I will not get into a discussion with you about it.  I would rather shove splinters under my fingernails than fight with people about politics.

No, I don’t hate gay people.  I actually quite like gay people, especially gay guys.  They are freaking hilarious.  My personal though is, unless you are trying to sleep with me (which so isn’t gonna happen) then I don’t particularly care who you’re sleeping with.

No, I’m not going to shove my religion down your throat.  I don’t tend to talk about my religion a lot outside of church.  I don’t ever want to alienate anyone.  I know some people feel our missionaries can be pushy.  I can understand that.  I know it must be annoying to get a knock on your door and have two young guys (or girls) want to talk to you about religion.  All I ask is that you are nice to these missionaries.  These people have put their lives on hold for two years, moved away from their family, and are dedicating that time to nothing but service.  If they knock on your door and you don’t want to hear it, just say no thank you and wish them a good day. 

Yes, we believe in the Bible.  Most Mormons have a set of scriptures called “A Quad”.  In this quad are the scriptures we study, which are; The Bible (King James version, both Old and New Testament), The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants and The Pearl of Great Price.  We absolutely believe in the Bible.  The Book of Mormon does not replace the Bible, if anything, it confirms the Bible’s teachings.

Yes, I am a Christian.   This one still boggles my mind.  I am so confused as to why so many people think that Mormons are not Christians.  We believe in the Bible.  We follow the teachings of Christ from the New Testament and the Book of Mormon.  I would think this is the basic definition of being a Christian.  Some people say it is because we do not use crosses.  It’s true, you will not see a Mormon church with a cross on top, or anywhere inside.  We also do not wear them as jewelry.  The reason for this (as I’ve heard it explained before) is because we do not focus on the way Christ was killed, we focus on the atonement and the reason he died.

No, I’m not going to show you my underwear.  It’s true, I’ve had people request to see my “crazy Mormon underwear”.  Granted they were drunk when they asked me, but I digress.  I’m not sure when it became socially acceptable to talk so openly (or ask to see) what people wear under their clothes.  I have no desire to know if the man next to me on the light rail is wearing a blue sequined thong speedo, so I would hope you would give me the same privacy.

Yes, I believe the Book of Mormon is true and that Joseph Smith was a prophet.  I have prayed about it and got my answer.  It’s as basic as that.  No burning bush or angels coming to talk to me.  I just know it’s true.

No one makes me do anything.  I always find it amusing when people say to me “Oh you can’t do that, you’re Mormon”.  The exact opposite is true in face.  I can do anything I damn well please.  If I decided to go to a bar one day and get hammered wearing a bikini and smoking pot, I could.  No one is going to stop me.  The point is, I choose not to.  I have been thru a lot in my life, and I have done some really dumbass things.  But now I’m at a point where I have learned that the “rules” of the church are there to help us, not hinder us.  And I am thankful every day for that.

You don’t have to believe what I believe.  Random thought;  I can’t stand the Howard Stern Show.  I also can’t stand the Rush Limbaugh show.  For two people with such different opinions, you might be surprised to know that I dislike them both for the exact same reason.  I find them both offensive and annoying.  They both try to shove their opinions down your throat with no respect or class.  The mere sound of their voices is enough to make my eye twitch and I’m over come with the desire to rip the stereo out of my car with my bare hands and throw it thru the window.  Because I feel this way, do I protest their shows?  Do I write them hate mail?  Do I insist they are taken off the air?  No.  I simply change the channel if they come on and I don’t listen.

I have met a lot of people and have seen a lot of things on TV with people that hate the Mormons.  People spend mass amounts of their time making anti websites, passing out literature, protesting outside of our meetings and bad mouthing us to anyone who will listen.  This is frustrating and sad to me.  I wish more people would instead of trying to tear others down, looked past our differences and figured out what we have in common.

So there you have it, some random thoughts on what we Mormons believe.  I encourage everyone to visit www.mormon.org and take a look at what they have going on there, it’s pretty incredible.  Or you can always ask me questions if you want  J